what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

2006

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How in the world did we get through an entire year already? Where has the time gone? Life really does just fly right by doesn't it!! It is that time again, to start fresh. The annoying bad date writing on checks and all. It always takes me a couple of weeks to get into the habit of writing the new year instead of the old.

So at this time of the year you are supposed to make a resolution.

res·o·lu·tion
( P )
The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
A resolving to do something.
A course of action determined or decided on.
A formal statement of a decision or expression of opinion put before or adopted by an assembly such as the U.S. Congress

Resolutions are things you really should take seriously, but most people resolve for the same thing year after year, never really making it past January. It is all downhill from there. The most common I presume are, lose weight, exercise, quit smoking etc... I do all those already so I decided on a resolution that I can stick to.

I resolve to not drink soda. Sounds simple enough but for me this could be quite the challenge. We shall see in February if I have stuck to it. No soda at all, no diet, no sprite, no seltzer. The hardest part is going to be restaurants that don't have sweetened Iced Tea. Water is good, I can make it.

This afternoon with my lunch I will have my last soda until at least 366 days from now, who knows maybe my last forever.

So for now I will bid you ado in the year of 2005. May 2006 bring you everything you hope for a more. There are alot of great things on the horizon for many I know in the coming year. I look forward to being apart of it all, and hopefully before years end, making a little magic for myself.

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Friday, December 30, 2005

Will you think less of me?

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With the anticipation of the week ahead, I have been spending alot of time meditating. Deep breathing coupled with deep thoughts. Part of me wants to celebrate the gifts I have been given through my son, and another part of me wants to give in and just lay in bed crying. I do realize the latter will not change what has been. This morning I sat silent on my yoga mat, eyes closed, mind free of everything except my son. I tried to imagine what he would want from me. Where he would want me to be almost a year after he left me. What would be best for me to continue this journey that is life. My decision, come January 8th, I will start my year fresh. I am going to make a beautiful box up of all his things, his blanket, his pictures, the teddy bear I bought him, the ornaments, the angel statues, the baby book, the letters I have written, and the letter I will write on January 7th completing 1 year without him. I am going to pack away all these things, place the box on the top shelf of my closet.

Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind, I just think I have to move past what this situation and what it has done to me the last year, and continue on the positive path I have been following for the past 3 months. I have learned many lessons and met many wonderful people this past year. I like to think that was the reason Michael was given to me. To solidify my relationship with Phil, to help us grow stronger yet closer together. To realize that life is short, and I need to live for the moment and enjoy the little things.

In the last year I have become ALOT less uptight. I realize everything is not going to be the picture of perfection and the baseboards do not need to be cleaned daily. Skipping a day or two will not cause great catastrophe in my life. If I don't get around to the dishes immediately after eating, they will still be there an hour later, or even 4. I guess I have found a sense of peace lately.

I vow this new year to come to continue on my path of self exploration, to cherish every moment I spend with those I love, and even those I just like a little bit. I will continue to learn and grow, despite the terrible losses I have suffered in the past. I will allow myself to just be.

So.... Will you think less of me?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

On the right road

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87lbs to go of 102

I'm working my way back to where I need to be.

The new year is going to be my time, to get myself healthy.
2007 is going to be my year, the year I become a mother again, I can feel it, but until then I have to continue to work my way to the ultimate goal.

Encourage me when you can
Motivation is key

Monday, December 26, 2005

Just cuz I haven't told you lately



Ten months, three weeks, three days, 20 hours, 28 minutes and 57 seconds. 3934 cigarettes not smoked, saving $816.35. Life saved: 1 week, 6 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.

Falala and all that stuff

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Merry Christmas!!!

Ok so I am a day late and a dollar short, but yanno I was busy and all that.
I had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas, filled with lots of fun times, fun games, fun gifts, and funny memories. My Manicotti came out wonderful, but boy was it hard to make, I think I will stick to shells from now on. The kids had fun, and Phil and I got so many wonderful presents.

Last night I had a moment, but it was just that a moment, nothing to send me into a crying fit or anything. I was just sad. My first Christmas as a mother, and I can't even enjoy it with my son. It is so hard to believe that the 1 yr mark is just around the corner. Wish for me smooth vibes. I think I am going to be ok.

Hope you had a wonderful holiday, whatever holiday it is you celebrate.

I would love some feedback on something, hit to comment if you wish. Do you think it is ok for non religious people to celebrate Christmas? Do you think it has become so materialized that in most cases the underline celebration of Jesus' birth is forgotten by most? For those non-religious people out there, what exactly is it you are celebrating on Christmas?

Now this is all coming from someone who doesn't necessarily believe in all the uniformed religious stuff, although I was raised a Catholic. For years I have been trying to find my place in a religion that suits me but haven't gotten there yet. I do celebrate though, the birth of Christ, but at the same time I see it as an over exploited day of the year. It is fun though to get gifts. So I guess I am just as guilty of the over exploitation.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Are you a slave to fashion?

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I will admit, I too am a slave to fashion in a lot of aspects, but this just goes above and beyond. The first thing that stood out to me was the tacky nylon ankle high's, Did she not realize she had capri pants on? Then there is the obvious *shoe protectors*. She probably paid a small fortune for the shoes and doesn't want to ruin them?

To an extent I tend to over indulge in clothing, purses, shoes, sneakers, things I just do not need. If I had to guess how many purses I have, Id have to go with about 4 dozen maybe. It is actually very sad. Most get used for a few weeks until a cuter one catches my eye. Then it finds its way into a box and piled in the closet, never to resurface unless I am cleaning out the closet.

My most recent purchase was a Louis Vuitton Ellipse. Granted it is a knock-off I got in China Town, NYC, but it is the purse of my dreams. I have wanted and dreamed of this purse for years. A brand new real LV would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $900, I paid $30 for my knock-off. The reality is you can not tell the difference without looking closely. 2 weeks later, Im ready to move on to something new. It is not all I dreamt of. It is stiff, the zipper is kinda hard to slide between the stiff leather bag. I'm kinda glad I never begged and pleaded for Phil to buy me the real thing.

Clothes, I am not so bad. I don't go out of my way looking for more expensive stuff. It usually just ends up the higher end stuff fits me better. *shrug*

Shoes, sneakers, boots Oh my.... I couldn't even begin. I have so many pairs of tennis shoes I could shoe an entire apartment complex. Most of which still have yet to wear and have tags still attached. I don't know why I need to have every color New Balance and Nike they come out with. My most recent purchase Nike Shox Turb OZ iD's, personalized with my own colors, and MY NAME!! How in the world could I not get them? They have been sitting in a box for a month.

So I guess I am a slave to fashion. Or maybe I just have an addiction to shopping. Or maybe I just like to buy myself things. Probably all of the above.
Oh well, off to check out Ebay =)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

To hold in my hands.

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I wish I could hold the world in my hands, embrace the people who know no better then to continue to make a mess of their life. To explain the importance of respect, honor and dignity to the children who are born to parents in need of help. To make all the errs of the world disappear. To return to the times when people were hardworking, caring respectful people, who would never think to disrespect, or harm another human.

What happened to respect in this world?

Why are children not being taught the morals and values that they will need to be all they can be? Instead they are being taught about the wing spans of exotic birds that they will probably never come across in their lives.

In this day and age, it seems moms are getting younger, and younger. In turn, most children these days are not being reered in the right direction.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 very disheartening experiences. These situations made me wonder, just what is the world going to be like in 20 years? If I am ever blessed with children, what is life going to be like for my kids, kids.

I watched as a 18-20 year old mother of 2 small children was taken into custody for stealing from a local department store. Her 6 year old son was absolutely hysterical, while her 3 year just stared stunned. Instead of calming her son down, she yelled at him, swearing at him. I cant even imagine what she was thinking. She had apparently taken some high end clothing and make up kits and stuffed them into her stroller.

The part that bothered me the most is the lesson she just taught that 6 year old boy. What lessons is she teaching this child? He is going to be tormented by visions of those security guards taking his mother by force, while another tried to calm the children. I stood there in amazement, and wanted to grab a hold of that little boy and tell him everything would be ok, I wanted to give him a giant hug. But instead I stood there with eyes full of tears. Sadly, under the circumstances he is probably living in, his chance in life are going to be limited without a lot of hard work on his part.

I just don't understand some people, and I can't comprehend what this world has come to.

I would love to just fix it all.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I think of thee


On what should have been your first holiday season I think of you. I bought you a beautiful angel and found the perfect spot on the tree. As we drove home this evening, your daddy and I watched this bright shining star. It seemed to follow us everywhere we went. Daddy said it is watching us home safely, I thought to myself, he is watching us home safely.
I miss you with every ounce of me.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

in times of serenity, there comes peace

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the calm before the storm
emotions are filling me
slowly sneaking up on me
i feel you ever so lightly coming into my sight

i dont fear you
im ready to face you
head on we will meet
i feel myself running into the light

I was once drained of everything I thought I had in me, I then realized that I just wasn't ready to be beaten. my life has taken me down more roads then I care to have travelled down. I realized the pity party had to end. I needed to learn from the lessons I was given. I came to realize there is no complete recovery, and I couldn't really put the past behind me. I had to face things head on, deal with them, and move on from them. They are not filed away in a box somewhere. They are fresh in mind. All of them. All those memories, the good and the bad. I now know, my past will not hold me back from the future I invision.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

It's been awhile

Since I watched anything birth related on TV, probably about a year. I was switching channels and came across a Baby Story. I hesitated whether to change the chanel but decided I would watch the true miracle of life. It was amazing to watch again, and happened to be an episode I had seem a long time ago. I guess they arent doing current shows this week or something.

Im proud that I was able to watch the show. I did shed a tear, wishing it were me. Someday!

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Imagine my surprise when I opened PostSecret today and found my very own secret posted. When I was creating my secret I thought alot about the many secrets I have. I actually mailed in 2 different secrets. The one I would have preferred be posted was, so that sent my heart a flutter.
Lisa asked me, "was your secret about your cigs" Nope as I told you this afternoon, I did not send in about the cigs. Although it does fit me. Almost 10 months smoke free now... =)

So everyone wants to know my secret, Im sorry to say, I wont tell. Of course it would then not be a secret.

Make sure you bookmark the site, it is a wonderful place, He updates weekly so check it out every Monday if you remember.

Some are so sad, one today make me cry. I hope that person decided to keep collecting songs.

Gearing up for the holiday's

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It's that time of the year again. Thanksgiving. I love getting together with family for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, my brother and family will not be travelling in from Ohio =(. I secretly keep hoping they are trying to surprise me, but deep down inside I know they aren't. Moneys always tight it seems. In just a little less then 2 weeks, Phil and I will be going on our Decks the Halls wine weekend in NY. I can't wait to get away. I need the vacation. It's only 4 days but I certainly need it.

Funny thing is, if I was having normal cycles that weekend would be the "time" to get pregnant. Hmmm I wonder. I dont think I am ready but yanno what, that really isn't in my hands. When my time comes it will come.

Im looking forward to getting through the next 3 months. Hopefully with as minimal of pain as possible. I feel like I am back at square 1 again in the support department though. I will leave that for a post later today.

I keep getting emails from this annoying woman asking me why I havent been blogging. Sorry, I have been busy taking advantage of the weather and going outside!! Big boost for my weight loss.

13lbs already, Hopefully I can hit 25 by Christmas, that would make me smile.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Where have you been?

Ok so that is probably your question right?
Well I have been finding myself. Sounds silly right? But the truth of it all is I needed to find myself. My old self, before babies, and deliveries, and loss of life. The true me that had been hidden beneath the mask of losing the one thing I have always dreamt about. Motherhood. Now I am not saying there will not come a day, but right now, I need to get me back to being me.

Yanno when I met Phil I was 175lbs. Now on someone with my bone structure that is skinny. I was wearing a size 7-8 jeans. 2 weeks ago, 18's were snug. 10lbs per size, you do the math. then add 7lbs. Give up? Ok fine I will do the math for you. At last weigh in at the doctors office I was 287lbs. Amazing huh? I know I know I dont look like I weigh that much but I do.. Well I dont right now.. =)

Today I am happy to report that I have lost 8lbs since October 20th ( the day I changed my life) I still have a long way to go, but yanno what? I can do it. Now my weigh in day is friday, so I will check back then with an updated number for ya...

So for every 10lbs I lose it's a special treat. The treat only I could love. SHOES!!!! Yup that's right, every time I lose 10lbs I will go buy myself a new pair of shoes. hmmm maybe a purse.. Oh well I will decide, something for me though.

So that is where I am at and what I have been up to.
This week may be a small loss week as I had some minor surgery yesterday and I can't do my full workout. But I am still walking, even if it is really slowly. Im not letting that get me down, as by tomorrow or thursday I should be ready to get back to my workout full steam ahead.

Keep it real, or you will really keep it. (weight that is)



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Monday, October 31, 2005

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be

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When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be
John Keats

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Walking hand in hand, heart in heart

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We walked through the falls, hand in hand. We took the long route, some 1300 steps. 16 sets of falls. Pure beauty, pure bliss. It was quiet, peaceful, serene. We talked alot about our future. Our goals, our dreams, how the events in our life have changed us. 6 years together isn't a very long time, but it seems like a long time to me. We have experienced so much in our time together. Ups, Ups, Ups, Downs, Downs, Ups, Ups.. Definately more ups then downs. I can count on 1 hand how many actual fights we have had. Disagreements, everyone has those, but actually fights, only 3. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many wonderful times we have spent.

Most of our great times were spent doing nothing, walking, talking, making pancakes, folding towels, sitting on the couch in a dark candle lit room, just holding each other. At night when he goes to bed, I tuck him in, cover him, kiss his forehead, and tell him how much I love him. These sort of memories are the ones I will hold onto for a lifetime. The silly things, like how many times he has bought me the same card from Hallmark, the notes on the bathroom mirror in eye liner, the time he locked the keys in the car and was standing out there in the pouring rain for 35 mins trying to use a hanger on the slightly opened window, all while refusing to allow me to try, his face when I got it unlocked in less then a minute. The pillow fights in the middle of the night. Painting his nails pink, and hiding the polish remover, The notes taped to back of my shirt, I think there were 23 of them, and I never felt 1. We laughed for months about that one.

I never knew just how wonderful love could be. I love Phil endlessly.

Friday, October 21, 2005

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands

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I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is and bottle it. I have been feeling so awesome this week. Mentally I am in the right frame of mind. Emotionally, I am doing great. Physically, I feel wonderful. I haven't been feeling stressed out or run down.

It's friday already, I cant believe how quickly time has flow. My diet is going wonderful. Guess not being stressed does great things for my eating habits.
WOOHOO

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Calm has found me.

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I have found a calming in my life. I'm not sure when or how but I feel like a million pounds has been lifted right off my shoulders. I am feeling wonderful the last week or so. I had a tense 2 days with a situation, but now that it is resolved I feel rejuvinated. I think sometimes leaving the past behind makes the future seem so much brighter.

Im looking forward to my appointment with the nutritionist on Wed. Im hoping that will get the ball rolling and find a healthy way to get this weight off. I know I can do it, it is just a matter or getting some help. Even if that help is just someone to listen, someone that makes me feel like I am going to succeed. Hard to explain, but sometimes I just need to know from someone else that I am doing good.

Where there's a will, there's a way....

Im heading thata way...



Happy Birthday to my big brother Danny!!! The big 36. LOVE YOU!!!

Monday, October 17, 2005

OOOpppsss I did it again

I went out again... woohoo me. I'm finding my way again and I LOVE it... Saturday night Phil and I went out for a nice dinner. Then I went up to Rosann's for the fire. Too windy outside, so we turned it into a garage party. I drank a 6 pack of this stuff.. YUMMY
Image hosted by Photobucket.com Its Zima XXX Wild Black Cherry..

Its soooooooo good, much better then a Black Cherry Wine Cooler. 5.9% though...

I usually just drink beer, but figured, I would change up for a bit.

We all sat around bs'n. It felt just like old times. Glad I did it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hold onto your seats, I went OUT!

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It had been awhile since I had gone up to the bar with Rosann, The main reason the SMOKE makes me gag in there. Stale cig smoke smells nasty. But she called tonight at 9:30 and asked so I dusted off the jeans and sweatshirt and threw on my tennis shoes and went. I was only there for a little over and hour but it felt good to go out again. The bar was slow, and I actually got HIT ON!! I was a little shocked, because I wasn't exactly looking hot..LOL

She is having a bonfire this weekend, I may make my way up there, phew twice in 1 week, I dont know if I can handle it.

I think if I stop emphasizing on what I am missing out on and get my ass out of the house I will be better off, and just may regain the confidence I had not that long ago. Confidence will in turn, help me stay motivated to loose this weight. Losing weight will in turn, hopefully help me get pregnant.

So I guess a beer or two a week wont do any harm. Sounds like a plan.

Proud Aunt

Skyler James

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Lily Margo

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Sniff Sniff, Tissues, Vicks, and that goes along with it.

I am one of those people that rarely gets sick. Two days ago I started feeling a sore throat coming on and it all escalated from there. This morning I felt like crap, this evening I feel like I have been run over by a tractor trailer going 80 down the highway. My throat feels all dry, my left nostril is clogged, my head hurts, my body aches. I take my meds every 5 hours and hope that this goes away tomorrow. I just hate feeling sick. Though I may loose a few lbs this weekend since I can't stomach the thought to eat.

And it is official, just about everyone I know that is trying to have a baby is now pregnant. Sarah got her + this week. She is 7w 1d I believe. She is the only person I have come across with a PPROM very similar to mine. I think she was afraid to tell me, but I am happy for her. I hope she has the perfect outcome so I will have hope.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Woe is Me..

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I guess things come in bunches these days. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I think it is wonderful, especially those people like myself that have been through such loss. But part of me just wants it to be me. Two really good forum friends are expecting, and a few other forum girls. I am so happy for them. I wish them nothing but the best, and I cant wait to see their little bundles. I guess I am just feeling down on myself. But that is all about to change. I can feel it. I have a solution to this weight issue that is keeping me so down. And to top it off the nutritionist finally called today.

I see her on the 19th. Hopefully she will be able to help me. Although I know that part of my issues are not at all related to food, and that if I don't fix the underlining problems, then the weight issue is not going to be solved either. So I have resolved that I really need to get into a therapy type situation other then the one I am currently in. That reality hit me this morning when I was trying to fix some breakfast and had the urge to get in the car and drive to BK because I was being lazy. I did not do it. I fixed myself some eggs and made them extra special with some cheese.

I have to get a grip on all of this. Im hoping this woman can teach me about eating healthy and set me on a plan. Accountability, is exactly what I need. I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to have someone to check in with. Like when I was on weight watchers. Having to answer to someone and myself week after week really helps me. Im hoping meeting with this nutritionist will help.

I did the whole purge, detox off sugar thing this weekend. I felt ok except for a headache. I still have the headache but have been taking plenty of tylenol.

Give me a sense of support when you talk to me, I need it now more then ever friends..

Monday, October 03, 2005

What a difference a year makes

It just dawned on me that one year ago today Michael was starting to grow in my belly. October 3rd, 2004- It was a Sunday night, I ran to the store for a test. + I was shocked. Phil and I layed in bed for hours that night talking about how perfect it was for me to be pregnant again and how happy we were to be given the opportunity again. It had only been 5 months since our first loss, and we didn't think it would happen so soon.

I never imagined the outcome that came of Michael's pregnancy. I should be sitting here now writing about my 4month old son and how much he is changing. Maybe this time next year I will be carrying another miracle. Hopefully that one will have a better outcome then the rest. But for now, I have to work this plan to get my physical and mental health back.
Wish me luck!

Vanishing

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Vanishing

If I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Surely I would
Hear the distant laughter
Wasn't it you and me
Surviving the night
You're fading out of my sight
Swiftly

Chorus:
You're vanishing
Drifting away
You're vanishing

I was so enraptured
No sensibility
To open my eyes
I misunderstood
Now you're fading faster
It's suddenly hard to see
You're taking the light
Letting the shadows inside
Swiftly

Chorus

Reaching out into the distance
Searching for spirits of the past
Just a trace of your existence to grasp
And if somehow I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Lord knows I would
But now you're fading faster
Getting so hard to see
Taking the light
Letting the darkness inside
Swiftly

- Mariah Carey -

Monday, September 26, 2005

Put on your think'n cap

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1. A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?

2. On my way to the fair, I met 7 jugglers and a bear, every juggler had 6 cats, every cat had 5 rats, every rat had 4 houses, every house had 3 mouses, every mouse had 2 louses, every louse had a spouse. How many in all are going to the fair?

3. Forewards it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?

4. The Begining of eternityThe end of spaceThe begining of every end The end of every place What am I??????

5. The more you feed itThe more it grows high But if you give it water It shall quickly Die What is it??

Friday, September 23, 2005

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In, Breathe Out

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It's that time of the year again, and I love it... We walked out of my aunts new pad this evening to the wonderful smell of fireplaces burning. Tonight it is supposed to go down to 40, so I guess everyone is burning wood. I just LOVE the way the neighborhood smells this time of year. It's a little early this year, that makes me smile.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

9-20-05

Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I can not live. I can not die. trapped in myself. Body my holding cell.
- Metallica

Monday, September 19, 2005

My Sunday

This is where I spent most of my day today
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And this is what I was doing.
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Pure pleasure

Friday, September 16, 2005

The little things....

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Sometimes it's the little things in life that can turn a frown upside down.
It seems I just took the most uplifting shower of my life. I stood there water beating down my back and shoulders, steam filling the room and just relaxed. I let all the thoughts in my head escape me, and I just enjoyed the moment for what it was.

I'm not sure why, but I woke up (on very little sleep) this morning feeling all out of sorts. I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I moped around the house trying to find the strength to do some housework, and couldn't dig deep enough in my soul to do it. It can wait right?

I then found my way to the computer, where I quickly found nothing interesting and decided it wasn't where I wanted to be. I went to the sofa, book in hand, blanket on my shoulder, ready for a good cuddle. I couldn't get comfortable. Maybe a nice cup of tea will help. Halfway through I realize I really don't want it. Back to the computer to find a game to play, a blog to read, a person to talk to, in the end I found no one, and nothing.

Back to the sofa, maybe Dr. Phil will cheer me up, nope, it quite possibly was the worst show for me to watch. Change the channel. I decide to pop in a DVD. I have a bunch borrowed from the library that need to go back Sunday, so I figure I better get to the last of the batch. Click play and I am all ready to go. Quickly this beautiful story about this mentally retarded man, causes me to sob uncontrollably. I pause to get some tissues. I watched both DVD's, wondering how someone with so many odds against them has found something deep in his soul to truly enjoy the life he has been given.

Swollen eyes and all I pop back online to look for someone to chat with, someone who understands what I have been going through and the emotions that I am feeling today. I am not normally one to lay it all out to people, Im usually a better listener, but today, I needed to talk it through with someone. I needed to be told that everything will be ok, I needed to be told that I am a better person because of all I have gone through and that someday, somehow, I am going to be blessed with all of my hopes and dreams.

With no one to talk to, I decided on the hot shower. I just stood there and let the water wash over me. It quite possibly was the most intense shower I have ever taken in my life. My eyes are still tight and tired, I need a good nights rest to cure them, but emotionally I am feeling so much better now. It's amazing what something as little as a shower can do to lift someone's spirits.

9-16-05

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Artist: Fuel Lyrics
Song: Bad Day Lyrics

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

No...

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day..."

Ahh...ah ah...ahh...ah ah...alright
Oooh...ooh ooh
Ohhh...oh ohh...




It's about something or it's about nothing....

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Did you ever sit back and look at your life and wonder how you ever got through it all? I have had the craziest life, at least in my eyes. SO many ups and downs, and ins and outs. I started thinking about my past this evening and wondering how I made it through the things I have. I lost contact with a lot of people during my very crazy hay day. People that were very very big parts of my life. I tried to find them tonight to apologize, and right my wrongs.

Most people that know present day Tara, have no clue about my past. I have seen and done a lot of stuff in my first 25 years then I should have. From 18-22 I shared my life with a man, an abusive, neglecting man. I wasted years on him. I gave in to him early on and thought I was going to have the picturesque life. In the end, I ended up broken, bleeding, and spent. When I think about it now, he started knocking me down early on in our relationship, so that by the time he left me I felt worthless. It took me 6 months to even leave the house without assistance after that day, 2 months before our wedding. All the money lost, I couldn't bare to face people. (I guess that is why I didn't go for the big whole drama wedding when I finally made it down the alter)

After my deep depression started to lift,with the help of a very good therapist, I started emerging again out of my cocoon. I began my online journey then. That is when my party phase began. I began drinking almost nightly at different bars. Dating around (not sleeping with anyone), kissing girls, partying, smoking weed, droppin E. I felt like I was living on cloud nine. I was constantly high on something, partying with someone, running from something.

Around that time I started a somewhat "relationship" with Nic. Our very true friendship changed one night when a kiss turned into more. I think we were both desperate for attention and loved each others company. Her and I were inseparable for months. I would spend every weekend at her house, and we would hit the shore, clubs, bars. Once summer started rolling around, we met some guys at the shore. She dated a guy for a while, we kept our fooling around to a dull secret. Then I met Phil. Instantly I knew, he was the one.

Phil is responsible for taming me, although he probably doesn't know it. Something clicked in my mind when I met him. He was a little older, not into the partying scene, would much rather hang out and talk. We met in July started dating in Sept, he moved in, in October. By Sept my friendship with Nic was almost non-existent. She met a guy too that summer, I believe she ended up marrying him. She became a police officer, her ultimate dream job.

I think about her sometimes and wonder if I friendship was genuine, or were we both just so lonely that we needed each other. I haven't had many friendships in my life that were lifelong friendships. Angela and I have been friends the longest, and although we lost contact for a long while, we have reconnected as if we never were a part. Candy, Lisa and I drifted apart a few years after highschool, when I became the kept woman I was with Don. I regret not allowing them to help me when they tried so many times. Their parents even tried to help, I shunned them as well. I sent a letter to them 4 years ago when I moved from Jersey, I never heard back, but did find out from someone in town that they had moved out of town.

I guess the whole point to all of this is that through all my ups and down, ins and outs, I have become a pretty dynamic person. I have learned a lot from all of life's lesson. I may not always apply my learnings to everyday life, or even realize how much they are a reflection of things past, but I do my very best to deal with what I am given.

Life has dealt me a pretty crappy hand at times, I guess all to teach me something about something, about nothing, for nothing.I may never get this whole drama figured out, but I hope to continue to enjoy each ride, as I travel along this super highway of life.

http://www.funofun.com/roadoflife2.htm

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Find Your Happy

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I saw a similar picture on the blog of an amazing woman.
Here's my take on it. Found this graphic and doctored it up.

Gonna find my happy!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Confusion

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Confusion


There are times when anyone
Trying to hurt you
Would have to kill me first
Then there are times
That I could kill you myself

There are days when I wake up happy
And your frown brings me down
But as your frown brings me down
Your smile picks me up

There are moments when I could say ‘I love you’
But that would just drive you away
I love you, I do, really truly and forever
My one true wish is to be near you always
I know it can’t be now
But I can dream

When I dream your smile is mine
Your laugh is mine
Your love is mine
It surrounds me
Fills me,
Makes me yours
Never to end
Never to part
Together forever and never to part

I wake and it’s gone, far away
I wake from the dream
Where I wish I could stay
Only to be with you

There are days when I sense that you’re close
Only to turn and find that you’ve fled
Back inside of yourself
Where I can’t follow
Deep into the past
The past I would erase for you
If I could
But I must embrace it
Because it created you
The one and only you.

Jillian Ploch

Friday, September 09, 2005

Think Positive Darling....

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Ok so our fertility is like a ping pong game, every other week we are on a different page. Last week we decided, we aren't going to try, but we aren't going to hinder either. SO back to regular no condom sex we go. Wonderful (they really do irriate me after a while). Anyway, not thinking we go about our business last week, this week etc. Then as I sit here playing a game this afternoon it dawns on me. This time last year, I got pregnant with Michael. OMG I thought, this can't be happening. Now wait, before we jump to any conclusion, I have at least 1 1/2 weeks before I could test, but what kind of irony would that be?

So I talked to Phil about it over dinner tonight and he says, first that he had thought about that last night while falling asleep, and they he felt if I got pregnant it would be a positive sign that things would go our way. I hate feeling like I am on a see saw, teetering back and forth.

ALL I want in life to be a mother, to raise a child, to hear the words mom spoken in broken kidlingo, yet I am scared to death. I guess we shall wait and see, just what we have in store for us. Until then I hope to find some peace within myself.

Inching my way...

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UGH!

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My word all day has been UGH!!! I don't know if I will ever stand certain people, and believe me when I tell you I have tried to understand this certain person. I have put myself in her shoes, I have tried over and over, but the next go, she seems to anger me more. First of all, when someone shares with you wonderful news, say for example, that you got a new puppy, you tell the person all about the puppy, how cute he is, his birthday, etc. Then the person counters with, I am so depressed because I don't have a puppy. No compassion I tell ya.

I think some people just do not know how to be happy for others, instead they blab on and on about themselves. WAKE THE FUCK UP.. the world as everyone else knows it is NOT about you. Other people do have things going on, other people are having happy moments, and just because you are not, dont be a fucking DEBBIE DOWNER (snl). Im really at my wits end with this person and before long I am going to end up sharing my feelings with her. Someday.. It will be here before you know it.

How do you teach a person to be respectful? I guess once you are old and crochety there is no use.

Ok rant over =)




Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Listening....

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I heard a terrible story today from my little old neighbor lady. She is in her 70's. Her husband died about a year ago, and as a neighborly person I offered to take her on grocery trips if she needs something. Her daughter does take her once a month when she gets her check, but on occasion she will ring the bell and ask for me to take her. On the way back she has to stop at Mc. Donalds for a bunch of burgers she freezes for when she feels like a snack she tells me.

Ok so you are probably wondering what this picture has to do with this sweet old lady. Today she dinged the bell at 8am. Needless to say I was still asleep, all groggy I go to the door, She apologizes for waking me and asks me to take her to mall if I could "sometime this week" I told her I would be able to take her in about an hour if that was ok. I told her I needed to shower and grab some breakfast. She said "Since you always take me on errands and fight with me when I try to give you gas money, how about I take you to breakfast. I agreed.

We sat there for quite a while talking. I am listening to all her wonderful stories and memories,I told her about Michael, which I hadn't done before, Then she pulls up her sweater sleeve to reveal a scar on her wrist. Instantly I get scared, OMG I think, is she trying to kill herself and reaching out for help. I guess the look on my face told the story and she explained to me when she was 13 her Daddy had done some awful things to her, and that she was tied to a some heat source and the rope caught fire and burnt her wrist. She was so "matter of fact" about everything she was telling me. I ended up not feeling bad because she was trying to explain to me that no matter how bad the situation, you will always make it through.

She told me that after her father did the things he did to her that she lost all respect for herself. Back in those days, girls didn't do the things they are doing today, but she said she was often sneaking around to be with older men when she was 14. She met and married her husband at 16, he was 10 yrs her senior. She said she had a beautiful life with him but never was able to gain her self respect back. She wondered had she told her husband of her promiscuous way, had she have been more at peace with herself once he accepted her knowing her past.

I assured her husband would have loved her no matter what. She told me her father died when she was 17, he was a coal miner and had lung cancer. She never told him how much he hurt her, and never told anyone in her family about what happened. I started to wonder if I was the only person she ever told.

She is such a sweet little old lady, I feel bad because she is alone a lot. There are times I want to bring a pot of tea over and just listen to her old stories, but I dont want to intrude. I find myself looking forward to our trips to the store.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Daydream Believer

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The weather was beautiful today. Not too hot, not too cold. I grabbed a beach chair, 2 bottles of water, and a book. I walked up the hill to the high school. I went to the park area, opened up my chair and just started reading. About an hour later my cell phone rang, quickly I was whisked out of the other world I had moved into. I was living the words I was reading, almost forgetting where I was.

I used to be a pretty avid reader, fiction mostly, some true crimes. The past few years I have dwindled in my reading. The last two weeks I am back in full swing. Sometimes finishing a book in 24 hours. I dive right in when reading. It's almost like a break from my reality. I finished my book this afternoon and found myself just putting my head back, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds of the children playing.

It brought me back to my childhood, I lived within close range to the town park and spent most of my days there. My mother would stand out on our porch and blow a whistle for me to come home for dinner. I missed the whistle pretty often, or at least I pretended to so I could have just 5 more minutes while I waited for her to send my brother for me.
The games from 25 years ago are still the same, they have just taken on new names.

As I packed up my gear to head back home, all I could do is smile. I felt so at peace sitting there. Brought me back to wonderful childhood memories, reminded me that I need to contact some old friends, and gave me a sense of what my future has to offer when I am blowing my whistle for my kids to come home for dinner.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Secrets, Lies & Videotapes

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I came across some memories today.
Something Phil and I have not looked at in quite some time.
It all went down in 2000.
It reminded me of the good ole days.
We're working on the passion. The stuff that went away 9 months ago.
The secret is going to yield some passion.

I started thinking about those times, the first 6 months of dating, the excitement.
Opening the car door, gosh that stopped about a year ago =(
It's been a few weeks since he left me a note, I leave him one every night, so he wakes up in the morning and feels my love.
In the box I found today was a lot of great keep-sakes. When we are in our 80's we will sit and remember how our love was formed. I hope the passion is still strong then.

6 yrs ago Sept 3rd was our first official date. We went to dinner after the store closed at 10pm. He had Chicken Marsala, I had a grilled chicken salad. We dined with wine and played footsies. I can clearly remember getting dressed for that date. It had been a long while since I was intimate with anyone and I bought something special just in case. That night after dinner he drove me home, I invited him in, he declined. He told me it was late and he had more respect for me then to come in at 1am. He walked me to the door, and kissed me good night. That was only our second kiss. One month later, he moved in. A month after that we made love for the first time. Pure heaven.

Fast forward 6 years, the passion is there most of the time. Our tragedies have had a negative effect on our sex life. The once almost daily love making has dwindled down to 3 or 4 times a week. It's always great, but these days we are very far from the excitement we once had. I miss those days. We discussed this tonight. We both want them back. We need them back. We will get them back.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

So much

I can't believe all of the devastation that has occurred due to Hurricane Katrina. I cant help but continue to watch the coverage on CNN. I donated the equivalent of 1 car payment to the red cross this afternoon. $344 is not nearly going to break me, but I know it will help someone who is suffering so much right now. I don't know exactly why I chose the amount of my monthly car payment, it just seemed like something that would help.

I have never known such loss of being as the people who are struggling right now. I do though have some issues with the looting and all, but that's for another day when I will have some more patience.

Bless the people who are being effected by this disaster.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Beauty is in the....

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of the beholder...

Art - My Interpretation

A few years back I went to an art show while on vacation. They had a section of Georgia O'Keeffe. I spent many hours admiring her art. One piece always stood out to me. I came across it today googling, and I figured I would share.
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I dont know what it said to me back then, but right it screams "ALONE" I see the back of a woman, sitting with her knees pulled toward her, crying. Its funny how one person sees one thing and another something totally different. What do you see? Click on the comment button and let me know. Below I have included a brushed copy where I removed the outer layer to reveal what I see.

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After staring at it for a few minutes I am seeing something different then my initial reaction. I am seeing "BIRTH". The birth of a new flower coming through. The flower representing a child emerging from it's mother.

It amazes me how differently something can be viewed when clearing your mind and.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Tick Tock

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Where in the world has the time gone? It is amazing how fast time flies by and how quickly people change. Tayler, my once little cousin is going to enduring her first year of high school on Tuesday. What seems like just two weeks ago she was moving to PA, starting 5th grade, wearing braces, timid, shy, riding her bike up and down the street, not wanting anything but to be a kid. Now she is a young woman, a star athlete, an outspoken teenager, looking for a boyfriend, getting ready for the real world, filling out college applications, wondering what her future has in store for her.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com 8th grade graduation, june 05'

It's so hard for me to realize just how quickly life makes changes. The wonderful memories are replaced so quickly with new ones. The tradegies quickly fade. 7 1/2 months ago my world was turned upside down. Today I am right side up again. There have been so many changes in my life in the last 7 1/2 months. I do wonder what my future has to offer though.

Im working hard on making the changes I need to make to help me become who I want to be. I am not the creator of my destiny and I can not know what may or may not happen, but I am doing whatever is in my power to achieve the goals I have set for myself.

The part that sucks is not knowing if you are doing everything you are doing for nothing. The reality is every positive change is for the better, this I know, but it still sucks.

Whatever my destiny has in store for me, I have to embrace it with open arms. I have to have wide eyes and big dreams.

Monday, August 22, 2005

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So is the grass always greener on the other side?
Is the glass half empty or half full?
If you don't try will you succeed?

On a daily basis I bat back and forth ideas, things I may or may not want to do with my time, with my life, just do. Sometimes it is simple mundane things like folding laundry, and other times it is whether or not I want to become a working woman again. It would be so much easier if life was simple, but then again, complexity is great.

I shall sit and teeter on the fence, waiting for a sign.


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I'm an optimist

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Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hope

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If hope could be a color It would be a soft shade of yellow, as the sun shines when you open your eyes
If hope could be a taste It would be melted Chocolate on your lips.
If hope could be a smell It would be the purity of a newborn baby.
If hope could be a sound It would be the whispers of a 2 year old telling you they love you.
If hope could be a feeling It would be the first kick a mother feels from her baby in utero.
If hope could be an animal It would be a ladybug, spreading luck everywhere she lands.

Try it for yourself here http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/hope.htm