Did you ever sit back and look at your life and wonder how you ever got through it all? I have had the craziest life, at least in my eyes. SO many ups and downs, and ins and outs. I started thinking about my past this evening and wondering how I made it through the things I have. I lost contact with a lot of people during my very crazy hay day. People that were very very big parts of my life. I tried to find them tonight to apologize, and right my wrongs.
Most people that know present day Tara, have no clue about my past. I have seen and done a lot of stuff in my first 25 years then I should have. From 18-22 I shared my life with a man, an abusive, neglecting man. I wasted years on him. I gave in to him early on and thought I was going to have the picturesque life. In the end, I ended up broken, bleeding, and spent. When I think about it now, he started knocking me down early on in our relationship, so that by the time he left me I felt worthless. It took me 6 months to even leave the house without assistance after that day, 2 months before our wedding. All the money lost, I couldn't bare to face people. (I guess that is why I didn't go for the big whole drama wedding when I finally made it down the alter)
After my deep depression started to lift,with the help of a very good therapist, I started emerging again out of my cocoon. I began my online journey then. That is when my party phase began. I began drinking almost nightly at different bars. Dating around (not sleeping with anyone), kissing girls, partying, smoking weed, droppin E. I felt like I was living on cloud nine. I was constantly high on something, partying with someone, running from something.
Around that time I started a somewhat "relationship" with Nic. Our very true friendship changed one night when a kiss turned into more. I think we were both desperate for attention and loved each others company. Her and I were inseparable for months. I would spend every weekend at her house, and we would hit the shore, clubs, bars. Once summer started rolling around, we met some guys at the shore. She dated a guy for a while, we kept our fooling around to a dull secret. Then I met Phil. Instantly I knew, he was the one.
Phil is responsible for taming me, although he probably doesn't know it. Something clicked in my mind when I met him. He was a little older, not into the partying scene, would much rather hang out and talk. We met in July started dating in Sept, he moved in, in October. By Sept my friendship with Nic was almost non-existent. She met a guy too that summer, I believe she ended up marrying him. She became a police officer, her ultimate dream job.
I think about her sometimes and wonder if I friendship was genuine, or were we both just so lonely that we needed each other. I haven't had many friendships in my life that were lifelong friendships. Angela and I have been friends the longest, and although we lost contact for a long while, we have reconnected as if we never were a part. Candy, Lisa and I drifted apart a few years after highschool, when I became the kept woman I was with Don. I regret not allowing them to help me when they tried so many times. Their parents even tried to help, I shunned them as well. I sent a letter to them 4 years ago when I moved from Jersey, I never heard back, but did find out from someone in town that they had moved out of town.
I guess the whole point to all of this is that through all my ups and down, ins and outs, I have become a pretty dynamic person. I have learned a lot from all of life's lesson. I may not always apply my learnings to everyday life, or even realize how much they are a reflection of things past, but I do my very best to deal with what I am given.
Life has dealt me a pretty crappy hand at times, I guess all to teach me something about something, about nothing, for nothing.I may never get this whole drama figured out, but I hope to continue to enjoy each ride, as I travel along this super highway of life.
http://www.funofun.com/roadoflife2.htm
No comments:
Post a Comment