what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Picture yourself in a boat on the river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies......

Where do I even begin....

Sgt Peppers loney hearts club... what a reminder of the friends I have made and the women I have encountered in the last 5 1/2 months of my life.

Let me set the scene, Wed June 22nd, 2005, I await the arrival of Kathy. A 30 something young beauty from just north of me, wise beyong her years, quick wit, my kind of person. Kathy lost her sweet Katie just over a year ago. We met on the forum. We became friends today. We travelled to NY City to meet another forum mate turned friend Mary. Mary is a 40 something young beauty, with so much insight, compassion, an enormous heart, endless amounts of wisdom. Mary has a precious teen, Sarah...

I never would have thought I could share the day with 2 woman and feel such a bond. The circumstances which brought us all together suck, plain and simple. But without those circumstances, we would never have met and shared a wonderful day together, we never would have made the memories.

Kathy, opened up, healed a little somewhere in her heart. Mary, shared personal triumphs, stories of Sarah, exlax anyone? Kathy, quite travelled, seen the east coast through the eyes of a horse, she is an amazing woman. Such strength. Mary, just made me laugh, riding the subway, cracking up. Kathy brought a gift, Its filled with love, from the heart, I switched it to my left arm to be closer to my heart. Expressions of love ring throughout. Mary took us for amazing food. Two amazing restaurants, lots of bonding time. Thanks for dinner Rob (hugs). Ken wont walk the pugs in public, gets me everytime. Ken and I share a bond, we hate COTTON balls & swabs. Mary is a world traveller who knows all the best places to eat in the city. Kathy, filled with so much interesting knowledge or so many things. I learned alot of lessons from her, although she probably doesn't know it.

We visited a place I will forever hold close to my heart. The Church of the Holy Innocents. A memorial to all our babies lost. All the Angels sent on, way to early. Mary asked the kind lady to share the book with us. Just to touch it meant the world to me. Mary sat, thumbed through. Everything was in order for the most part, we had a little bit of a struggle finding our angels. Then Mary spotted her precious Thea, scrolled down, almost the bottom of the page was my Michael. Karma.

I can't even begin to describe the feelings that filled my heart throughout the day. I am glad to call these two ladies my friends. I look forward to all our future plans. We have an abundance of them. Who would have thought, as the saying goes, that I would step in shit.

Thank you ladies for being you!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

Well tomorrow is the big day!!! I am going to New York City to meet Mary. Im so excited. Kathy is coming down from NY state and we are driving to Jersey to catch the ferry. Kathy has never been to NY City before, I'm so excited for her. We are going to meet Mary at her office. Im so excited.

Im not sure why, but I have this freakish problem when I am going places, I get insomnia. It's rather annoying. I need rest cuz I am so not good at getting up in the morning. I have along day ahead of me.

Well Im going to go brush the choppers and hit the hay.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Lets Talk about Sex!

Sex
Hmmm How do I approach this.
Ok lets start off by saying that Phil and I always had a wonderful sex life prior to my last pregnancy. We were good at doing the deed at least 4-5 times a week. Then when I got pregnant with Michael, it stopped once we say the line on the pregnancy test. Phil has issues with DTD while pregnant. Then when I delivered Michael, things sorta just dried up between us. Not only the sex, but the emotional stuff too. Prior to this past monday we have only had sex 2 times since Michael was born. The first took almost 3 months.

The discussion came up a few weeks ago about trying to have another baby. Well we decided we would unofficiallly try, although I started watching my CM and charting it all down and such. So monday comes and we dtd not once but twice. I thought wow, he really must want a baby. Tuesday came and it was his early night home, so of course I initiated the first time, things were great, and then later that night before bed he initiated. Im thinking to myself wow, this is a good sign. Wed was his late night and I was having a bad day after seeing my doctor about my weight, and not really in the mood. Then this morning, bam I woke up to "let's go baby" with his evil sly grin.

All day I kept thinking, WE ARE BACK... He ran to sign the paper work on his new car. came home its ugly and raining out. I went to take a shower after working out came back to a naked man in my bed.

So while we were making dinner together before I brought it up. He confessed, he really wants to have another baby, and thinks it would be a sign for us to get pregnant now, being as though we would have a new born now if Michael made it full term. So he thinks like me.. That what is meant to be is meant to be. If I were to get pregnant this month or next, it would be because our little angel Michael watching over us.

There are alot of changed factors in my life now. The smoking is a major + in my department. I cant even begin to tell you how proud of myself I am for being able to give it up. I find myself talking about it alot lately. I talked to the doctor about it yesterday. he asked about cravings, I told him few and far between. He is so proud as well. He wasnt concerned about my weight. I gained 15lbs since I last saw him in late Feb, early May. He says its due to the changes from not smoking. I told him I'm loosing inches, he said better yet. Toning is better. It was a little alarming for me to know I gained that much since I recently dropped 10lbs according to my scale here at home.

Eh, Dont sweat the small stuff right? Im gonna keep up my walking routine, I have to, cuz even if I do get pregnant I can continue to walk. I know walking is so good for me to do. I have to just continue doing it.

Ok gotta run to the store for milk so mr. horny pants can have his ice cream shake.
Hey cross your fingers for me will ya...

Monday, June 13, 2005

*UPDATED*

Just wanted to say I updated the blog, doesn't it look awesome?
It took a few hours to get everything uniform but I love it.
Now once I get a picture up I will be happier.
=)
Let me know what you think... comments comments comments
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 19 hours, 37 minutes and 34 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1581 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $328.12. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!

Should I???? Or Shouldn't I????

So it would be very possible for me to get pregnant this month. Tonight in fact is a fertile night. Should I dare? Am I ready? I just dont know.
I still have quite a long way to go with my weight. At least 40lbs. But with every month that passes I think, am I wasting time. I know being overweight effects pregnancy and conception but just don't know to what degree.
The left side of the brain says, wait a few more months, the right says get busy, dont miss the opportunity.
Phil just wants the sex, he doesnt care either way. He tells me he will be ready when I am ready, but jeez I dont know when that will be.
I have an MD appointment Wed, I know he is going to give me an earful about my weight and lack of loosing it. For whatever reason it is just too hard this time. I am working my ASS off, most days and feel like I am getting NO WHERE!
I am started to get depressed about this all, that is part of the reason why I just want to be pregnant again.
Healthy would be better.
UGH!
I hate this shit.... I hate the struggle....
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 14 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1577 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $327.18. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

From Jessi (((((HUGS )))))

To My Dearest Family,

Where I dwell, there is no pain
There is no cold, no dreary rain
I find a rainbow every day
And touch the sun's most warming rays

I know you wish that I were there
So you could hug and hold me near
So you would see my bright eyes shine
Yet I AM YOURS and YOU ARE MINE

You ponder years that'll come and go

The little one you won't watch grow
But treasure me safely within your hearts
For there we shall not be apart

I gaze on you from heaven above
I sense your thoughts and feel your love
Please realize, here I am at peace
I pray some of your pain may cease

God did not create a "never"
Hence, once again we'll be together
Until such time that we shall meet
In altered words may I repeat:

I am safe...I am with you...I LOVE YOU,

Your Angel Baby

(author unknown)

now comes the night

when the hour is upon us
and our beauty surely gone
no you will not be forgotten
now you will not be alone

and when ythe day has all but ended
and our echo starts to fade
no you will not be alone then
and you will not be afraid

when the fog has finally lifted
from my cold and tired brow
no i will not leave you crying
and i will not let you down
no i will not let you down
i will not let you down

now comes the night
feel it fading away
and the soul underneath
is it all that remains
so just slide over here
leave your fear in the fray
let us hold to each other
til the end of our days

rob thomas 2004