what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Put on your think'n cap

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1. A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?

2. On my way to the fair, I met 7 jugglers and a bear, every juggler had 6 cats, every cat had 5 rats, every rat had 4 houses, every house had 3 mouses, every mouse had 2 louses, every louse had a spouse. How many in all are going to the fair?

3. Forewards it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?

4. The Begining of eternityThe end of spaceThe begining of every end The end of every place What am I??????

5. The more you feed itThe more it grows high But if you give it water It shall quickly Die What is it??

Friday, September 23, 2005

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In, Breathe Out

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It's that time of the year again, and I love it... We walked out of my aunts new pad this evening to the wonderful smell of fireplaces burning. Tonight it is supposed to go down to 40, so I guess everyone is burning wood. I just LOVE the way the neighborhood smells this time of year. It's a little early this year, that makes me smile.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

9-20-05

Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I can not live. I can not die. trapped in myself. Body my holding cell.
- Metallica

Monday, September 19, 2005

My Sunday

This is where I spent most of my day today
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And this is what I was doing.
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Pure pleasure

Friday, September 16, 2005

The little things....

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Sometimes it's the little things in life that can turn a frown upside down.
It seems I just took the most uplifting shower of my life. I stood there water beating down my back and shoulders, steam filling the room and just relaxed. I let all the thoughts in my head escape me, and I just enjoyed the moment for what it was.

I'm not sure why, but I woke up (on very little sleep) this morning feeling all out of sorts. I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I moped around the house trying to find the strength to do some housework, and couldn't dig deep enough in my soul to do it. It can wait right?

I then found my way to the computer, where I quickly found nothing interesting and decided it wasn't where I wanted to be. I went to the sofa, book in hand, blanket on my shoulder, ready for a good cuddle. I couldn't get comfortable. Maybe a nice cup of tea will help. Halfway through I realize I really don't want it. Back to the computer to find a game to play, a blog to read, a person to talk to, in the end I found no one, and nothing.

Back to the sofa, maybe Dr. Phil will cheer me up, nope, it quite possibly was the worst show for me to watch. Change the channel. I decide to pop in a DVD. I have a bunch borrowed from the library that need to go back Sunday, so I figure I better get to the last of the batch. Click play and I am all ready to go. Quickly this beautiful story about this mentally retarded man, causes me to sob uncontrollably. I pause to get some tissues. I watched both DVD's, wondering how someone with so many odds against them has found something deep in his soul to truly enjoy the life he has been given.

Swollen eyes and all I pop back online to look for someone to chat with, someone who understands what I have been going through and the emotions that I am feeling today. I am not normally one to lay it all out to people, Im usually a better listener, but today, I needed to talk it through with someone. I needed to be told that everything will be ok, I needed to be told that I am a better person because of all I have gone through and that someday, somehow, I am going to be blessed with all of my hopes and dreams.

With no one to talk to, I decided on the hot shower. I just stood there and let the water wash over me. It quite possibly was the most intense shower I have ever taken in my life. My eyes are still tight and tired, I need a good nights rest to cure them, but emotionally I am feeling so much better now. It's amazing what something as little as a shower can do to lift someone's spirits.

9-16-05

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Artist: Fuel Lyrics
Song: Bad Day Lyrics

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

No...

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day..."

Ahh...ah ah...ahh...ah ah...alright
Oooh...ooh ooh
Ohhh...oh ohh...




It's about something or it's about nothing....

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Did you ever sit back and look at your life and wonder how you ever got through it all? I have had the craziest life, at least in my eyes. SO many ups and downs, and ins and outs. I started thinking about my past this evening and wondering how I made it through the things I have. I lost contact with a lot of people during my very crazy hay day. People that were very very big parts of my life. I tried to find them tonight to apologize, and right my wrongs.

Most people that know present day Tara, have no clue about my past. I have seen and done a lot of stuff in my first 25 years then I should have. From 18-22 I shared my life with a man, an abusive, neglecting man. I wasted years on him. I gave in to him early on and thought I was going to have the picturesque life. In the end, I ended up broken, bleeding, and spent. When I think about it now, he started knocking me down early on in our relationship, so that by the time he left me I felt worthless. It took me 6 months to even leave the house without assistance after that day, 2 months before our wedding. All the money lost, I couldn't bare to face people. (I guess that is why I didn't go for the big whole drama wedding when I finally made it down the alter)

After my deep depression started to lift,with the help of a very good therapist, I started emerging again out of my cocoon. I began my online journey then. That is when my party phase began. I began drinking almost nightly at different bars. Dating around (not sleeping with anyone), kissing girls, partying, smoking weed, droppin E. I felt like I was living on cloud nine. I was constantly high on something, partying with someone, running from something.

Around that time I started a somewhat "relationship" with Nic. Our very true friendship changed one night when a kiss turned into more. I think we were both desperate for attention and loved each others company. Her and I were inseparable for months. I would spend every weekend at her house, and we would hit the shore, clubs, bars. Once summer started rolling around, we met some guys at the shore. She dated a guy for a while, we kept our fooling around to a dull secret. Then I met Phil. Instantly I knew, he was the one.

Phil is responsible for taming me, although he probably doesn't know it. Something clicked in my mind when I met him. He was a little older, not into the partying scene, would much rather hang out and talk. We met in July started dating in Sept, he moved in, in October. By Sept my friendship with Nic was almost non-existent. She met a guy too that summer, I believe she ended up marrying him. She became a police officer, her ultimate dream job.

I think about her sometimes and wonder if I friendship was genuine, or were we both just so lonely that we needed each other. I haven't had many friendships in my life that were lifelong friendships. Angela and I have been friends the longest, and although we lost contact for a long while, we have reconnected as if we never were a part. Candy, Lisa and I drifted apart a few years after highschool, when I became the kept woman I was with Don. I regret not allowing them to help me when they tried so many times. Their parents even tried to help, I shunned them as well. I sent a letter to them 4 years ago when I moved from Jersey, I never heard back, but did find out from someone in town that they had moved out of town.

I guess the whole point to all of this is that through all my ups and down, ins and outs, I have become a pretty dynamic person. I have learned a lot from all of life's lesson. I may not always apply my learnings to everyday life, or even realize how much they are a reflection of things past, but I do my very best to deal with what I am given.

Life has dealt me a pretty crappy hand at times, I guess all to teach me something about something, about nothing, for nothing.I may never get this whole drama figured out, but I hope to continue to enjoy each ride, as I travel along this super highway of life.

http://www.funofun.com/roadoflife2.htm

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Find Your Happy

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I saw a similar picture on the blog of an amazing woman.
Here's my take on it. Found this graphic and doctored it up.

Gonna find my happy!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Confusion

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Confusion


There are times when anyone
Trying to hurt you
Would have to kill me first
Then there are times
That I could kill you myself

There are days when I wake up happy
And your frown brings me down
But as your frown brings me down
Your smile picks me up

There are moments when I could say ‘I love you’
But that would just drive you away
I love you, I do, really truly and forever
My one true wish is to be near you always
I know it can’t be now
But I can dream

When I dream your smile is mine
Your laugh is mine
Your love is mine
It surrounds me
Fills me,
Makes me yours
Never to end
Never to part
Together forever and never to part

I wake and it’s gone, far away
I wake from the dream
Where I wish I could stay
Only to be with you

There are days when I sense that you’re close
Only to turn and find that you’ve fled
Back inside of yourself
Where I can’t follow
Deep into the past
The past I would erase for you
If I could
But I must embrace it
Because it created you
The one and only you.

Jillian Ploch

Friday, September 09, 2005

Think Positive Darling....

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Ok so our fertility is like a ping pong game, every other week we are on a different page. Last week we decided, we aren't going to try, but we aren't going to hinder either. SO back to regular no condom sex we go. Wonderful (they really do irriate me after a while). Anyway, not thinking we go about our business last week, this week etc. Then as I sit here playing a game this afternoon it dawns on me. This time last year, I got pregnant with Michael. OMG I thought, this can't be happening. Now wait, before we jump to any conclusion, I have at least 1 1/2 weeks before I could test, but what kind of irony would that be?

So I talked to Phil about it over dinner tonight and he says, first that he had thought about that last night while falling asleep, and they he felt if I got pregnant it would be a positive sign that things would go our way. I hate feeling like I am on a see saw, teetering back and forth.

ALL I want in life to be a mother, to raise a child, to hear the words mom spoken in broken kidlingo, yet I am scared to death. I guess we shall wait and see, just what we have in store for us. Until then I hope to find some peace within myself.

Inching my way...

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UGH!

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My word all day has been UGH!!! I don't know if I will ever stand certain people, and believe me when I tell you I have tried to understand this certain person. I have put myself in her shoes, I have tried over and over, but the next go, she seems to anger me more. First of all, when someone shares with you wonderful news, say for example, that you got a new puppy, you tell the person all about the puppy, how cute he is, his birthday, etc. Then the person counters with, I am so depressed because I don't have a puppy. No compassion I tell ya.

I think some people just do not know how to be happy for others, instead they blab on and on about themselves. WAKE THE FUCK UP.. the world as everyone else knows it is NOT about you. Other people do have things going on, other people are having happy moments, and just because you are not, dont be a fucking DEBBIE DOWNER (snl). Im really at my wits end with this person and before long I am going to end up sharing my feelings with her. Someday.. It will be here before you know it.

How do you teach a person to be respectful? I guess once you are old and crochety there is no use.

Ok rant over =)




Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Listening....

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I heard a terrible story today from my little old neighbor lady. She is in her 70's. Her husband died about a year ago, and as a neighborly person I offered to take her on grocery trips if she needs something. Her daughter does take her once a month when she gets her check, but on occasion she will ring the bell and ask for me to take her. On the way back she has to stop at Mc. Donalds for a bunch of burgers she freezes for when she feels like a snack she tells me.

Ok so you are probably wondering what this picture has to do with this sweet old lady. Today she dinged the bell at 8am. Needless to say I was still asleep, all groggy I go to the door, She apologizes for waking me and asks me to take her to mall if I could "sometime this week" I told her I would be able to take her in about an hour if that was ok. I told her I needed to shower and grab some breakfast. She said "Since you always take me on errands and fight with me when I try to give you gas money, how about I take you to breakfast. I agreed.

We sat there for quite a while talking. I am listening to all her wonderful stories and memories,I told her about Michael, which I hadn't done before, Then she pulls up her sweater sleeve to reveal a scar on her wrist. Instantly I get scared, OMG I think, is she trying to kill herself and reaching out for help. I guess the look on my face told the story and she explained to me when she was 13 her Daddy had done some awful things to her, and that she was tied to a some heat source and the rope caught fire and burnt her wrist. She was so "matter of fact" about everything she was telling me. I ended up not feeling bad because she was trying to explain to me that no matter how bad the situation, you will always make it through.

She told me that after her father did the things he did to her that she lost all respect for herself. Back in those days, girls didn't do the things they are doing today, but she said she was often sneaking around to be with older men when she was 14. She met and married her husband at 16, he was 10 yrs her senior. She said she had a beautiful life with him but never was able to gain her self respect back. She wondered had she told her husband of her promiscuous way, had she have been more at peace with herself once he accepted her knowing her past.

I assured her husband would have loved her no matter what. She told me her father died when she was 17, he was a coal miner and had lung cancer. She never told him how much he hurt her, and never told anyone in her family about what happened. I started to wonder if I was the only person she ever told.

She is such a sweet little old lady, I feel bad because she is alone a lot. There are times I want to bring a pot of tea over and just listen to her old stories, but I dont want to intrude. I find myself looking forward to our trips to the store.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Daydream Believer

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The weather was beautiful today. Not too hot, not too cold. I grabbed a beach chair, 2 bottles of water, and a book. I walked up the hill to the high school. I went to the park area, opened up my chair and just started reading. About an hour later my cell phone rang, quickly I was whisked out of the other world I had moved into. I was living the words I was reading, almost forgetting where I was.

I used to be a pretty avid reader, fiction mostly, some true crimes. The past few years I have dwindled in my reading. The last two weeks I am back in full swing. Sometimes finishing a book in 24 hours. I dive right in when reading. It's almost like a break from my reality. I finished my book this afternoon and found myself just putting my head back, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds of the children playing.

It brought me back to my childhood, I lived within close range to the town park and spent most of my days there. My mother would stand out on our porch and blow a whistle for me to come home for dinner. I missed the whistle pretty often, or at least I pretended to so I could have just 5 more minutes while I waited for her to send my brother for me.
The games from 25 years ago are still the same, they have just taken on new names.

As I packed up my gear to head back home, all I could do is smile. I felt so at peace sitting there. Brought me back to wonderful childhood memories, reminded me that I need to contact some old friends, and gave me a sense of what my future has to offer when I am blowing my whistle for my kids to come home for dinner.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Secrets, Lies & Videotapes

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I came across some memories today.
Something Phil and I have not looked at in quite some time.
It all went down in 2000.
It reminded me of the good ole days.
We're working on the passion. The stuff that went away 9 months ago.
The secret is going to yield some passion.

I started thinking about those times, the first 6 months of dating, the excitement.
Opening the car door, gosh that stopped about a year ago =(
It's been a few weeks since he left me a note, I leave him one every night, so he wakes up in the morning and feels my love.
In the box I found today was a lot of great keep-sakes. When we are in our 80's we will sit and remember how our love was formed. I hope the passion is still strong then.

6 yrs ago Sept 3rd was our first official date. We went to dinner after the store closed at 10pm. He had Chicken Marsala, I had a grilled chicken salad. We dined with wine and played footsies. I can clearly remember getting dressed for that date. It had been a long while since I was intimate with anyone and I bought something special just in case. That night after dinner he drove me home, I invited him in, he declined. He told me it was late and he had more respect for me then to come in at 1am. He walked me to the door, and kissed me good night. That was only our second kiss. One month later, he moved in. A month after that we made love for the first time. Pure heaven.

Fast forward 6 years, the passion is there most of the time. Our tragedies have had a negative effect on our sex life. The once almost daily love making has dwindled down to 3 or 4 times a week. It's always great, but these days we are very far from the excitement we once had. I miss those days. We discussed this tonight. We both want them back. We need them back. We will get them back.