what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Reading List for August with Reviews

Undeniably You by Jewel E. Ann

5 Naked Pool Boy Stars

Undeniably You Review 

Among the Echoes by Aly Martinez

4 I Won't Hurt You Stars

Among the Echoes Review 

Another great series by Aly Martinez
Changing Course 5 Star Review and Stolen Course 5 Star Review

Wallbanger by Alice Clayton

4 He Sighed My Name Stars

Wallbanger Review


 Broken by Lauren Layne

4.5 Up Against a Tree Stars

Broken Review

My Most Precious One by Evangelene  

Just could not connect with this one at all.

The Madam by M. Robinson

5 Sex Sells in every language Stars

The Madam Review

 Secrets For Love by Claudia Bradshaw

4 Black and Grey Stars

Secrets For Love Review 

 Keep Her by Faith Andrews

4.5 Happy, Enamored, Fullfilled Stars

Keep Her Review  

INDISCRETION Series by Elisabeth Grace  
Indiscretion Volume 1

4.5 On The Rocks Stars

Indiscretion Volume 1 Review


 Indiscretion Volume 2

4.5 "Pull out slow. Slam in." Stars

Indiscretion Volume 3 Review 

Indiscretion Volume 3

5 Red Dress Stars

Indiscretion Volume 3 Review 

 Fate's Love by L.A. Cotton

4.5 Running from Love Stars 

Fate's Love Review

Reading List for July with Reviews


Taking Chances by Molly McAdams
5 "I still can't see my life with anyone but you." Stars
 Taking Chances Review

Stealing Harper by Molly McAdams
5 Couldn't Stop Crying Stars
Stealing Harper Review

 Karma by Nikki Sex

This one just did not work for me

Did Not Finish

The Light Between Us by Beth Morey
3 Insta Love Stars
The Light Between Us Review

Marry Me For Money by Mia Kayla
4.5 McRib lovin Stars
Marry Me For Money Review 

 My First, My Last by Lacey Silks
4.5 Field of Daisies Stars
My First, My Last Review 

Thoughtless Trilogy by S.C. Stephens

Absolutely loved the first two books in this series, the third book fell a little bit short for me, although still good, it was just missing the wow factor of the first two books.

 Her Dom by A.D. Justice

3.5 Stars
Her Dom Review

Monday, August 04, 2014

i don't meditate quite as much as i used to, since moving back to PA, i have found that time seems to escape me faster now that i am back amongst my family and friends.

i have a friend back in SC who is going through a really hard time.  i have council led in the past on the importance of meditation and how i think it may help him turn off the noise that is constantly filling his head. several times he has tried, and been unsuccessful in actually feeling like meditation is benefiting him.  this evening i received an email from him, sharing how this weekend something clicked for him and he was able to sit still in silence for 10 minutes, and that his mind was totally clear and his worries seemed to melt away.  he shared that after his first successful attempt on friday, he woke saturday feeling refreshed and less stressed.  he gave it a try again saturday and sunday and is feeling amazing results.

meditation has been amazing in doing just that for me.  it allows me to turn off all the negative and positive thoughts in my mind just for a few minutes and feel the power of the present.  his email reminded me that i need to practice what i preach and find the time each day to clear my mind and just be still.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Lessons: 3, and 4

This post is going to be a little different, as I am having a hard time relating to Lessons 3 & 4.

Lesson 3: You Become What You Believe

This lesson was for me all about becoming your authentic self.  Looking back a few years I really had no clue who I was, and was my purpose was.  As I grew and evolved and identified with my life, I came to really understand who I am as a person.  Now don't get me wrong, there is  still alot out there for me to learn, but I am getting there.  There was a point in my life a few years back, that everyday I would wake up and look in the mirror and think, I am fat or  I am ugly.  Every negative thought I filled my head with led me to believe more and more that, that was I was.  I read an article a few years ago that talked about self doubt, and overcoming what you believe yourself to be.  It really turned me around, and I learned to embrace myself for who I am.  Now, truth be told, I am overweight, its a battle I have been fighting my whole life.  But I am working on it, and it certainly does not define me.  I don't necessarily like being overweight, and the pro's to losing weight definitely defeat the cons, but like everything else it takes time.  I am on the right path again, with a totally different mindset then I have ever had in my life, so success if in the future.

So basically this lesson was a little tricky for me, because I already feel like I am who I believe myself to be.  I just need to continue to follow the actions to be my true authentic self.  I have been keeping a journal with more detailed things on these lessons for myself, and although I didn't find myself very interested in this lesson, I filled 4 pages in my journal on that night.  

Lesson 4: The Truth Will Set You Free

The title of the lesson is pretty much self explanatory.  I sat with this last night, meditated on it this morning, and thought more about it this evening.  I was trying to find some un-truth I have been hiding.  What am I not admitting to myself or others that is holding me back?  What kept coming to me was denial.  I often find myself denying things to myself, as if to say, if I don't accept it, its not happening.  I don't really have any big secret that I am keeping that will make me free to be who I am.  So the only thing I really got out of this was to be more aware of denying my truths as a way of ignoring what is really going on.

So all and all, I may not have found these lessons to be huge aHa moments, they did provoke thinking and a few realizations.  I guess that makes lesson learned.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Lesson 2 - Letting Go of Anger

So let me start off by saying WOW!  This topic could not have come at a better time.  The universe really came through in giving me the message I needed, for that I am grateful.  

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah

No words have ever rang truer to me then those at this moment. 

Before the "class" began I was thinking about what angers I had to let go of?  What have I been holding onto?  

My initial thought was the destruction of the relationship I had with my mother.  Now I wont bore you with the details of the situation, and at this point I don't even know if I can recall them all. But I will say that words are as lethal a weapon as a knife or a gun.  The words you speak to someone can have a direct impact on how a person feels and perceives themselves.  I don't hold anger toward my mother for the things she said, I came to terms with those words long ago.  Tonight I realized though that I was holding onto the anger of wishing things would have been different.  I now accept that they are not, and will move on knowing that I forgive.

I always say, no regrets, only life lessons, but if I am being honest with myself, that is not always the truth.  I do regret not allowing myself to let go fully and take the lesson that I had learned and move on.

The other thing I realized that I have been holding onto is the loss of my son.  I realized tonight that I have been allowing the feelings I have about his loss to define who I am and what my life is.  I have held back on being who I really want to be, my authentic self, because the guilt I have over his passing.  Although it has been almost 7 years since he passed, I don't quite think I have ever really forgiven myself.  For what I really don't know, because the bottom line is, it wasn't my fault.  Maybe I have never accepted that it had happened, and there is nothing I could have done to change it.  I do know I can't continue to allow this situation to define who I am, and who I want to be.  

Oprah posed the question tonight, What's holding you back right now? My answer was this, What's holding me back is the fear of allowing myself to truly be happy after the loss of my son. Tonight I let it go.

So I identify the hurt, accept that I can no longer hold onto anger for things that have happened in the past, and realize that I can not hold onto the hope that things would have been any different.  I decide to give up the anger. I choose to forgive myself for allowing the things I can not control to directly impact who I am as a person.

Tonight, I feel free...

Oprah's lifeclass day 1 - ego

I wasn't really sure what to think of this whole Oprah life-class thing... I enjoy Oprah for the most part, so I signed up to give it a shot. A few minutes in and I was hooked. The wheels in my head started turning and I really started to put the things she was saying into perspective in my own life.  I took notes, wrote down quotes, put my feelings in writing.  It felt good.

Oprah stated that no thing, no job, no possession matters in defining who you are.  I had to pause the TV and really sit and think about this for a few minutes and it hit me. I had a million reasons for giving up my job at [that place] at the time.  Then tonight I started thinking about how working at [that place] was defining me.  I may not have realized it at the time to the fullest but deep down there were much bigger reasons for letting it go.  At the time it was mostly about how I was being treated, how unappreciated I was, how much time it took away from my family.  These are all true, but only after really thinking about it tonight do I realize just how important they are.  I allowed my ego to make my decisions and define my self worth.  I allowed my responsibility to a company who viewed me as expendable to overshadow the much more important things in my life.  The things that make me happy.  I pushed them aside, and the instances that I did bring them in the picture, I am not sure I was fully present.  

I defined myself on the vision those I worked with had of me. I always took on the role as the fearless leader who would make everything OK, and who always took everyone's feelings into consideration.  I made decisions based on the best interests of everyone except for myself.  I created an identity based on this false sense of self and evolved it.  Its only now, 5 months later that I realize the damage I caused to myself during that time.  The expectations that I set for myself based on every ones perception of me, was at times way more then I should have handled. It only offered me a false sense of achievement.

Oprah posed the question, where is your ego getting in the way, my response is simple.

My ego gets in the way when I am not being my authentic self for fear of how others will perceive me.

I intend on participating in all 25 life class sessions in the next 5 weeks, I will probably use this platform to discuss them, and connect them to myself.  I'm pretty sure I will learn a thing or two about myself.

10/11 - Lesson 2: Letting Go of Anger - I'm really looking forward to this one.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

 meditation music

i stumbled on this website a few weeks ago.  its a great place for anyone who is beginning out with mediation, or just needs something different.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

37 years ago today the world was forever changed

To Me!!!!

A few interesting facts about July 12, 1974

I was born on a friday.
I have been alive for 13,515 days, which includes 9 leap years.
I have lived through 7 US Presidents.
Bill Cosby, Richard Simmons, and Cheryl Ladd all share my birthday.
The NY Mets played at Dodgers Stadium and won!
Bruce Springstein performed at the Bottom Line Cabaret in NYC.

Random facts about 1974
Volkswagen first introduced the Golf in 1974.
Chinatown was the #1 movie in 1974.
Billboards #1 song for 1974 was "The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand.
The 55 mph speed limit was enforced to preserve gas usage
Sears Tower in Chicage became the worlds tallest building
The average cost of a new home was $34,000
Gas was .55C per gallon
The average cost of a new car was $3,750
Work begins on the 800 mile long Alaska Oil pipeline