what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

If you are happy and you know it.....

Clap your hands....

Im feeling really good today. I have been so good this week eating wise that I treated myself to a baby size cup of soft serve . It tasted wonderful, but I didnt finish it. I saved half for another day. I have been working hard this week and am seeing results. Makes me proud. I know I can overcome this battle, I have once before.

Went swimming today and Lauryn & I did water aerobics. She is too cute. 9 years old and smart as can be. I actually felt it in my abs this afternoon. Cross Cross lundge lundge split. We easily did 100 of those.

Ok time for Big Brother.. gonna go snuggle with my hunnie.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Wedding Bells

The couple looked beautiful. The scene was romantic. The ocean as a back drop, 60 close friends and family. The bridal party walked down the isle to the beat of reggae. The bride to the sweet sounds of the waves crashing along the shore. It was actually quite a beautiful night. The sun had set early under the thickness of clouds, fog had started to form lightly. It was amazing to say the least. The minister touched briefly on those who had passed this year. There was a list of about 5. Michael was part of that list. I had tears in my eyes. We had an enjoyable time then headed back to the "inn" we were staying at.

The Inn was actually very lovely. The room decorated so authentic from the early 40's. The best was to die for. Our room smelt like a paint a bit. Apparently our room was just finished the day before. They remodeled all 50 rooms. Breakfast was served on fine china. I felt a little like a princess. We headed back early afternoon because there was no sun. =(

All in all I had a nice weekend.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

If....

Looking back through the looking glass...

The time was 6th grade. Somewhere between 1985-1986. The teacher Mr. Ira Kohl. I will never forget him. He taught English, but not your run of the mill English, the English that made you want to write. He was an amazing teacher, I treasure having had him. This morning as I sit here I remembered a poem he "taught" us. Over the last 20 some years (wow im old) I have thought of this poem often. I never looked it up until today though. Maybe I am desperate for a feeling. The poem is by a great writer named Rudyard Kipling.

[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling


There is something about this poem that draws me back to thinking about it. I think I will print it out on some pretty paper and hang it in a frame to remind me just what I am looking for and who I am.

I wonder if Mr. Kohl knows just how much he taught me in the 6th grade. Im sure he does that is why he became a teacher. Being a teacher was my goal in life. I spent countless hours in College preparing for my future as an Elementary School teacher. I never did get my certificate. As fate would have it my mother was diagnosed with Cancer and my life as I knew it ended. I had to work to support us and pay bills. By the time we were back on our feet it was too late, or was it? I guess it is never two late. As fate has it now, I live within 1 mile of 3 different Universities. I wonder if it is too late.

My dream was simple. I was going to have 2 children (which I guess I already have done) and become a school teacher. Maybe my plan has played out the first part and Im finally seeing the path I must take. I really should take a walk to open enrollment when it comes around and see if a push forward is what I need. Im not giving up my battle to become a mother to a child who can speak my name. Only giving up on trying so damn hard to get there.

I hope that doesnt come off wrong, because in all honesty I would give my right arm to have a child. To hear the pitter patter of little feet running around me in circles while I wash dishes. But the stress that has come along with my trying to achieve my goal has taken a toll on both my heart and my love with Phil. I have found this obsession overwhelming. Tomorrow is another day, I might feel the polar opposite when I wake but for today, I will let the chips fall where they may.

I am off to a beach wedding, something I have never experienced before. Im looking forward to the getaway. I think Phil and I are long overdo again for some "us" time. When I return you will be seeing less of me around these parts as I am planning on taking care of me. I will keep you all posted though as often as the urge to write about my life hits me.

Take care of you!

Friday, July 15, 2005

Tired....

Im tired and frustrated with all this charting, monitoring, temping, period stuff. I don't understand it all and I can find a soul to help me figure out what is going on with my body. How frustrating.

The two times I was ever pregnant were unplanned. I would have loved to known what was going on then. I think my weight may be playing a huge part in my cycles being screwy. Maybe I need to give my body a rest. It's been through a whole lot of stuff in the last 18 months. Two D & C's, one birth.

More and more I am understanding my body and how it works, but at the same time, I feel like my body isn't working like everyone elses. Now dont get me wrong I know we are all not perfectly aligned or anything, and my circumstances are different then the next, but I want so much to understand that I am looking for any answer I can get.

Instead what I should be doing is enjoying the fact that I am working on learning about myself more. I should be putting as much if not more effort into loosing some of the pounds that weigh me down. I should invest more of my time off of this computer and onto doing things that I need to do to get healthy.

It's hard to explain what it is like to be drawn towards signing online. Sometimes I just walk into the room to get something else or put away Phil's ironing, and I cant just leave the room. I am drawn to log on. I sometimes say to myself, I will just check my email and get back to what I was doing. Hours later I am still sitting here and nothing is getting down.

Even tonight. 3 hours ago I sat down to print directions for our trip to the Jersey shore tomorrow, and guess where I am still sitting, no directions printed out. Dishes piled up in the sink, clothes 1/2 packed, Phil's shirt still needs to be ironed. My highlights are apparently not going to get done for tomorrow.

Eh I guess I better go..

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Happy Birthday to me

I had a pretty good birthday considering the arrival of the witch finally. I was totally blown away by the length of this cycle. Its the first time I ever had a cycle this long. But thats all behind me now and I can get on to a fresh new start with a new chart. =)

So my day... after the fiasco that was last night, my day actually turned out well. I took my mother to have her staples removed, then the rest of the day was all mine. I took the girls up to the lake, we swam in the pool, joked around, talked, made up some water exercises, and at 12:23am I am certainly feeling the burn in my abs. I did ALOT of laps which feels great.

I took the girls home, took a shower and got ready for dinner. I picked Don Pablos since we havent been there in a while. Aunt Cathy and the girls came with Phil and I. Phil came with balloons, bunch of them. He didnt mention the whole fiasco last night and either did I. We went back to AC's after dinner for cake and presents. The girls gave me some adorable Froggie PJ's and I couldnt help but think of Lexi =). A gift certificate for Barnes N Noble which I went online and used tonight. I got 7 books for $25 I was so excited. There were a bunch of nail polishes and a magazine as well. She said she ordered something that hasnt arrived yet, and she thinks I might be surprised. (im hard to shop for )

Well then we came home, settled in and Phil went to bed early. NO B-Day sex here =(. Im holding out hope, we are going away this weekend to a wedding at the Jersey shore. Im looking forward to getting a way for a night.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Disappointment - Happy Fuckin Birthday to me

I hate that I am constantly disappointed with what Phil gets me for every holiday. We have this thing where every holiday eve we open gifts. Dont ask why, we havent figured that out yet.
So tonight at 10pm my darling husband tells me he will be back in a few. Im thinking, NO HE DIDNT. There is absolutely nothing open close by accept the super market at 10pm in my neck of the woods. Well there is walmart but that is 30 minutes away. He was back in 45 mins so I know he had to go to the supermarket. Well a little after 11 he calls me in the living room to give me my presents. 1st they were unwrapped, which bugs the crap out of me. Second, and most shocking, FUCKING DIET BOOKS!!!!!!!! Not one but TWO. and a WW magazine. I couldnt even help but start to cry. I know I hurt his feelings but moreso he hurt mine. Also in the "gift bag" was 4 sugar loaded lollipops, those big round flavored ones, well I eat mostly sugar free stuff, and 2 nestle chocolate bar things. A $30 gift card for JC Penney, which I know for a fact he bought at the supermarket cuz it says the name of the store right on the back.
I am so sick of him being an idiot when it comes to shopping. Especially if I leave flyers around with what I want. I wanted a simple thing, a $40 silver bracelt. Its in the flyer every sunday, and every sunday I show it to him. I feel bad that I got upset, or that I am upset because I shouldnt be picky, but I always feel disappointed with everything he buys me. Every Christmas Im the one standing in line returning all the nonsense he buys me.
I guess I hurt his feelings when I told him to return the books and get his money back because he walked off. I know he didnt mean to hurt my feelings by buying me weight loss books, he repeated over and over how he was trying to support me, but for heavens sake its my birthday. Supporting my dieting would be bringing home a ww magazine on a day for no reason, just like I bring home his religious candles for no reason. Supporting my diet would be not bringing me Nestle chocolate bars that contain 280 calories. My birthday comes but once a year, doesnt take much to plan a few weeks in advance. Not go shopping at 10pm the night before.

I guess Im just a bitch, i dont know. Im so through with all this relationship bullshit all the time. Fuck it all I dont care.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Swept me away but now I'm lost in the dark, set me on fire but now I'm left with a spark

What in the world is wrong with people?
Blowing up subways, buses.
Attempting to break into my car
Watching as your 7 year old son rides his bike into traffic while trying to cross the street.

I am so through with the world today...

Im driving back from getting milk watching as the light changes, I am 4 cars back from the light, the two in front of me go through, then this woman decides her son is ready to ride is bike across the road. The car in front of me jams his breaks. And the woman yells Pedestrians have the right of way. As she is standing on the corner wheeling her infants stroller. The little boy all but crossed on his own. First and foremost children need to be taught to WALK their bikes across the street, not ride. And second, how in the world do you stand there and let him cross alone. It took everything I had to not get out of my car and reem her a new asshole for being such an ass.

As for my car, I get home and my neighbor next door, who I swear is in the witness protection program, tells me she hears her dog barking last night, looks through her bedroom window and sees a "shady" character peering into my car window and trying to lift the handle. So she flips on her security spot light and he goes running. As she is telling me this a cop happens to be passing, which is rather rare around my parts. I flag him down to tell him what she told me and he says "I work second shift" I dont give a fuck if you work every 3rd tuesday... He says he will relay the message. So I come in put my bags away, call the police department and I hear. "You have reached the XXXXXX police department, no one is available to take your call" Well thats all it took for me.

I got back in my car, drove up to the police station only to be told an officer would be right with me, and its the same second shift shithead. Why in the world does a police station have an answering machine? I am directed again to call tomorrow to speak to the chief. Well tomorrow morning I will be taking my daily walk right up to his office.

I really just dont understand people. Work for aliving instead of trying to jack up peoples cars looking for a buck to buy a frigin line of coke. Stop bombing innocent people , its not getting you anywhere, and for the love of god, watch your kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wisk me away

It will take you a good 4 or 5 minutes to read this..

I was reading a blog of a Canadian young beauty with the most lovely first name (smile) I read the message over and over and over and over. I kept thinking to myself why in the world do so many bad things happen to so many good people. Why do people do stupid things only in the end to cause tragedy to others? Why in the world do people take their eyes off their youngins for anything more then a meer second? I know the reality is that bad things could happen whether you are looking or not, but why take that chance? Seems to me every summer you hear a handful of stories about tots drowning in a pool. It became the reality of a message board visitor, and also a family 2 streets away from me this past weekend. I can't imagine the pain, scratch that because I actually can.

I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life that an entire month will go by without some tragic happening near me. I know you are only supposed to be given as much as you can handle, but I seriously think whomever is dishing it out does not know my limitations.

Today I decided, well actually last night, but I put it into play today. That I am going to create my own destiny from now on. I have buckled down on getting healthy and plan on sticking to it.
I have vowed to walk every single morning, rain or shine for at least 45 mins.
I have vowed to eat the portion size of a human and not an ape or elephant.
I have vowed to moderate my snack intake.
I have vowed to avoid all outside food sources and prepare all of my meals here at home.
I have vowed to get control of my life and maintain control.

The obvious to me is what needs to be done to get healthier, the road to get their seems to have had its steep mountains to climb. 6 years ago the 4th I met my husband for the very first time. I was approx. 160lbs, which on these bones is rail thin. I was wearing a size 7-8 back in the day. It was right after the miracle which was weight watchers and walking for me. I lost 80 lbs in 11 months. I have come to realize not only do I need to look as I did then, but I need to feel and be who I was then.

I lack confidence, I lack sex appeal, I lack life..

I will tell you this, I WILL GET IT ALL BACK...

I hope in a few months, I am not re-writing this on another journal page and that I have made it through most of my weight loss goal.

It's always nice to hear words of encourangement, so if you know me, shout some out to me. Phil gave me some today. It seems I have made him proud by taking control of the reins and kicking this old horse(s ass) into gear.

6 days til the big 31, let me know if you need my addy to send my gifts =)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Zippidy do da, zippidy day, my oh my what a fuckin horrible day.

I am beyond frustrated with my life.

Im unhappy with things the way they are yet I DO NOTHING to change them. WTF is wrong with me? I dont understand it, yeah as I eat a brownie. At the computer like Susan doesnt want me to do. UGH UGH UGH

As far was what TCOYF says, my temp should be up before AF, well guess what, its not. Now I am wondering if I ever even O'd this month. I just dont understand all of this.

I hate the feeling of having no control.

My mother is almost out of the hospital, and hopefully I will then get some of my time back. She is doing much better, but now it has become a guilt thing if I do not go. Tuesday I take her home.

Phil is on my very last nerve today. He sat his ass up at the pool all day even though I told him I was not going to go until the house was done. Didnt mean shit to him, he got himself dressed and went. Well to spite him I stayed home. Who suffered? me obviously.

I just cant seem to get anything to go my way.

Im going to sleep

Friday, July 01, 2005

These are the best of times, These are the worst of times.

Stress sucks!!!!!!!!!!

I had one of those weeks where you just want it to end and never look back again.
Several negative pregnancy tests.
Moms hospital stay. Which is making me have to run back and forth to the hospital 3x a day. She is beyond being a drama queen now. Thank god she doesnt live with us still.
Im re-reading Taking Charge of your Fertility. Temping, waiting for AF.

If you know me well enough you know that I am such an anal person when it comes to my house. This week, the dust bunnies win! There is not enough hours in the day. Im so mentally drained from everything that is going on.