If....

Looking back through the looking glass...

The time was 6th grade. Somewhere between 1985-1986. The teacher Mr. Ira Kohl. I will never forget him. He taught English, but not your run of the mill English, the English that made you want to write. He was an amazing teacher, I treasure having had him. This morning as I sit here I remembered a poem he "taught" us. Over the last 20 some years (wow im old) I have thought of this poem often. I never looked it up until today though. Maybe I am desperate for a feeling. The poem is by a great writer named Rudyard Kipling.

[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling

There is something about this poem that draws me back to thinking about it. I think I will print it out on some pretty paper and hang it in a frame to remind me just what I am looking for and who I am.

I wonder if Mr. Kohl knows just how much he taught me in the 6th grade. Im sure he does that is why he became a teacher. Being a teacher was my goal in life. I spent countless hours in College preparing for my future as an Elementary School teacher. I never did get my certificate. As fate would have it my mother was diagnosed with Cancer and my life as I knew it ended. I had to work to support us and pay bills. By the time we were back on our feet it was too late, or was it? I guess it is never two late. As fate has it now, I live within 1 mile of 3 different Universities. I wonder if it is too late.

My dream was simple. I was going to have 2 children (which I guess I already have done) and become a school teacher. Maybe my plan has played out the first part and Im finally seeing the path I must take. I really should take a walk to open enrollment when it comes around and see if a push forward is what I need. Im not giving up my battle to become a mother to a child who can speak my name. Only giving up on trying so damn hard to get there.

I hope that doesnt come off wrong, because in all honesty I would give my right arm to have a child. To hear the pitter patter of little feet running around me in circles while I wash dishes. But the stress that has come along with my trying to achieve my goal has taken a toll on both my heart and my love with Phil. I have found this obsession overwhelming. Tomorrow is another day, I might feel the polar opposite when I wake but for today, I will let the chips fall where they may.

I am off to a beach wedding, something I have never experienced before. Im looking forward to the getaway. I think Phil and I are long overdo again for some "us" time. When I return you will be seeing less of me around these parts as I am planning on taking care of me. I will keep you all posted though as often as the urge to write about my life hits me.

Take care of you!