what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Are you true to your resolutions?

Here is where I sent my resolution. Today is February 11th, 2006. 42 days into the new year. 42 days with a soda. I am true to my word with all that I am.

Do you know your own strength?

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I refer not to the strength it takes to lift a 100lb weighted bar above your head. Nor the strength to stop yourself from stepping in when you know you shouldn't. Not the strength needed to ask for something you want. But the strength to continue the battle that plagues inside of you everyday.

As I sit here tonight, I wonder what has given me the many strengths that I possess. How did I make it through those days that I thought I never would. What kept me going? What gave me hope? What made me want to continue on? Somewhere, somehow, I saw the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Either in sleep or wake, I saw a better future for myself. I thought of what would make me whole again. I found a path that gives me a sense of hope. I have goals to achieve.

I spend a year of my life living a life I thought I should have been living. I visited places I felt I needed to visit in order to grieve. Did I find balance there? Probably not. What I did find was comfort in knowing I am not the only one. In the end, backing away ever so slowly has benefited more then being there to begin with. You are what you live. I was living in grief. It had consumed so much of my life, that all I ever did was think of all that had gone wrong. Don't get me wrong, some aspects of my grieving showed me many things. It made me some very good acquaintances, and some very good friends. It taught me valuable lessons in being able to express myself. Good, bad or ugly.

In January, I decided to pack up the things that were visual reminders of my grief. I packed the small box of what is my son's life. Stored them away in a closet. Not to forget, because I never will, but to remove them from my everyday life, and try to start again. The days are now fewer and farther between that I find myself paralyzed with grief. I wonder if I had done this long ago if it would have had the same effect on me. Would I be waking and falling to slumber with other thoughts on my mind? Not staring blindly at his photo on my desk everyday, thinking about what might have been. The reality has become, what is, is. I couldn't have changed destiny. I can only change the future for myself, day by day.

These days when I wake up and rub my tired eyes, I think of my future. I look at my short term goals, and all they are going to help me achieve. The big picture has a million possibilities, it all just depends on how you look at it.

I still frequent many places of support on the net. Only now my reasons for being there are different. I go to see the positive. The new pregnancies for friends. The updates on the little ones that came in my time. To show support when I can. I have found other forums for support, with the issues that are today. Weight loss, motivation, friendship. I give what I can, and get more then I thought I could need. My path is solid with friends to be accountable to, and friends to keep accountable.

So for me the cycle continues. Strength is here, full on, full strong. I guess determination fuels my strength.

What's your strength?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

It was 1 year ago today

As I type the title of the post all I can think of is the Sgt Pepper song...

So today is the day I have waited 365 days for. My 1 year celebration of a smoke free life.
I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself. I made such a great decision to quit.
I will never look back, and I am proud of that.