what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


Photobucket

www.flickr.com
LLCKmyLLPS' photos More of LLCKmyLLPS' photos

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com

It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

So much

I can't believe all of the devastation that has occurred due to Hurricane Katrina. I cant help but continue to watch the coverage on CNN. I donated the equivalent of 1 car payment to the red cross this afternoon. $344 is not nearly going to break me, but I know it will help someone who is suffering so much right now. I don't know exactly why I chose the amount of my monthly car payment, it just seemed like something that would help.

I have never known such loss of being as the people who are struggling right now. I do though have some issues with the looting and all, but that's for another day when I will have some more patience.

Bless the people who are being effected by this disaster.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Beauty is in the....

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
of the beholder...

Art - My Interpretation

A few years back I went to an art show while on vacation. They had a section of Georgia O'Keeffe. I spent many hours admiring her art. One piece always stood out to me. I came across it today googling, and I figured I would share.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
I dont know what it said to me back then, but right it screams "ALONE" I see the back of a woman, sitting with her knees pulled toward her, crying. Its funny how one person sees one thing and another something totally different. What do you see? Click on the comment button and let me know. Below I have included a brushed copy where I removed the outer layer to reveal what I see.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
After staring at it for a few minutes I am seeing something different then my initial reaction. I am seeing "BIRTH". The birth of a new flower coming through. The flower representing a child emerging from it's mother.

It amazes me how differently something can be viewed when clearing your mind and.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Tick Tock

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Where in the world has the time gone? It is amazing how fast time flies by and how quickly people change. Tayler, my once little cousin is going to enduring her first year of high school on Tuesday. What seems like just two weeks ago she was moving to PA, starting 5th grade, wearing braces, timid, shy, riding her bike up and down the street, not wanting anything but to be a kid. Now she is a young woman, a star athlete, an outspoken teenager, looking for a boyfriend, getting ready for the real world, filling out college applications, wondering what her future has in store for her.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com 8th grade graduation, june 05'

It's so hard for me to realize just how quickly life makes changes. The wonderful memories are replaced so quickly with new ones. The tradegies quickly fade. 7 1/2 months ago my world was turned upside down. Today I am right side up again. There have been so many changes in my life in the last 7 1/2 months. I do wonder what my future has to offer though.

Im working hard on making the changes I need to make to help me become who I want to be. I am not the creator of my destiny and I can not know what may or may not happen, but I am doing whatever is in my power to achieve the goals I have set for myself.

The part that sucks is not knowing if you are doing everything you are doing for nothing. The reality is every positive change is for the better, this I know, but it still sucks.

Whatever my destiny has in store for me, I have to embrace it with open arms. I have to have wide eyes and big dreams.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
So is the grass always greener on the other side?
Is the glass half empty or half full?
If you don't try will you succeed?

On a daily basis I bat back and forth ideas, things I may or may not want to do with my time, with my life, just do. Sometimes it is simple mundane things like folding laundry, and other times it is whether or not I want to become a working woman again. It would be so much easier if life was simple, but then again, complexity is great.

I shall sit and teeter on the fence, waiting for a sign.


Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

I'm an optimist

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hope

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
If hope could be a color It would be a soft shade of yellow, as the sun shines when you open your eyes
If hope could be a taste It would be melted Chocolate on your lips.
If hope could be a smell It would be the purity of a newborn baby.
If hope could be a sound It would be the whispers of a 2 year old telling you they love you.
If hope could be a feeling It would be the first kick a mother feels from her baby in utero.
If hope could be an animal It would be a ladybug, spreading luck everywhere she lands.

Try it for yourself here http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/hope.htm

Monday, August 15, 2005

Dorney Park UGH

A normally enjoyable day trip turned annoying.

I have now become the minority in my whole country. I know I know freedom of blah blah blah... I was /am rather annoyed by the fact that the park has been taken over by 3 main types of people. The"I dont speak English" people. The foreigners who do not understand a word of English, nor do they try to learn, but I bet they dont have a problem signing their checks each month ::eyeroll:: I actually had a woman say, "wha u mean?" when I said Bless you, when she sneezed. Of the people I encountered, most were rude, thoughtless, idiots. What a shame. Even employees of the park do not speak English, Many Russian beauties who do not speak a word of English. SAD.

Second, is the invasion of Mexicans. I felt like I was in Cancun, not Allentown, PA. What in the world. They too do not understand a word of English, but at least they do try. They are equally as rude though. They wear clothing to show every ounce of their body, rolls and all. Thong bikini's on a 300lb + woman is NOT sexy. UGH..

Lasty was the large amount of foul mouthed African American gangsters that I encountered. Thousands of them. Every other word out of their mouth was FUCK. I dont understand, where did the system go wrong? How come these people were not taught manners as kids? Why are they not teaching their children to have manners as well? Why did a 7yr old ish little boy tell my 9yr old cousin to get the fuck out of his way? What in the world is this country coming to. Why in the world do people think it is ok to just walk around a friendly family park cursing up a storm???

don't get me wrong, please, I am not a racist person, I have friends of many nationalities, but sometimes the stereotypes of people do actually fit. I grew up in a very "white" neighborhood. There were very few "black" families there. All were very nice people. I still keep in contact with many of them. Maybe they were just a product of their environment. The people I encountered yesterday are obviously a product of theirs. Its just sad that their environment sucks.

Well unfortunately what comes with the sleazy people is a sleazy atmosphere. People who live in squalor, create it where they go. The best was the woman who didn't want to wait in line any longer for the restroom and decided to urinate in the sink. she then proceeded to yell to her friend in a stall to bring her out some toilet paper so she could wipe her twat. It was a wonderful experience for my 3 cousins and their friend. I wont mention her ethnic background, but I will say, it was just wrong. Im sure she urinates in her sink at home also. Litter bugs everywhere. Trash everywhere.

Now granted I surely my share of "white" american people with trashy mouths and dropping their soda bottles on the floor, but if I had to put a percentage on it, I would have to go with maybe 3%. I was saddened and disgusted all at the same time.

Also shocking was the fact that they had no ashtrays anywhere in the park, they just had the young kids walking around sweeping up butts. I witnessed a few little ones burning their feet stepping on still lit butts. =(

All and all the trip was ok, if you take the nastiness of the people out of the equation. The rides were great, no lines because everyone was in the waterpark most of the day. After the 3rd coast within 20 mins of lunch, I found myself blowing chunks in the restroom. Felt fine an hour later, but no more rides were on my agenda. The kids had a wonderful time. They are still oblivious to what this country has become, or maybe it is that they just know any better to notice. The eldest, maybe she can understand. She shared with us yesterday how her old friend from when we lived in New Jersey, recently had a baby girl. She just turned 16. T (the 14yr old) looked at me, and said, "why in the world was she having sex at 15?"

I can only hope and pray they will never have to deal first hand with the crappier parts of this country...




Friday, August 12, 2005

Decisions Decision...

So, I lay in bed last night with the carousel of thoughts running around my head. My weight, My health, My lack of normal cycles these days, My inpending bloodwork. And I thought to myself.. Why in the world am I even thinking about TTC right now when I am clearly 100lbs over weight (not that I personally think I look it..LOL ), my health is apparently not in order.

So this morning I get up and decide that enough is enough. I am doing well eating wise and exercise, well I could be doing much better and I will. Best course of action for me right now is to do a few things to change my life.
  • TTC is put on the back burner until I get my health in order
  • The weight issue needs to be worked on. I need to start taking better care of myself.
  • Eating has got to change.. I am not really a bad eater, just gotta seriously cut my portions in half.
  • I need to get OFF this computer and start spending time outside, in the sun, in the park, smelling the grass, interacting with people.

The time has come... I am so sick of this shit and fed up with my lack of lust for life that I need to change some ways.

Im still going to chart my temps just to see what changes as I loose the lbs, Im still going to write in my blog, cuz lord knows this is my saving grace most days.

If you are reading this, the chances are you are going to care about my welfare and be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on because Im frustrated, aggrivated and deterred by everyday life.

The reality is all I really want is to be a mom, but apparently someone thinks otherwise. I obviously need to make the appropriate changes to achieve that goal.

Im ready for the ride, Im ready to try, Im determined to win.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Friends

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I got to meet another friend today. I went to meet Elisa for lunch and of course her adorable son Ricky was with us. Ya can tell a lot about a person by the way their children act/behave/are. Obviously Elisa is a good person, because her son is just adorable, smart, friendly, sociable. We had a really nice time. Went to take Ricky to park after lunch, couldn't find one nice but enjoyed where we were. Then as kids do Ricky got tired, I think it was the heat and all. All and All it was a great afternoon. We have an open invitation to meet again. Hopefully with Kathy or Mary next time. They will both just adore her as much as I do. All four of us together, no one would be able to get a word in edgewise, we are all so chatty....

I have been pretty lucky as I have met 3 people from the forum so far and all 3 were A+ in my book. All very unique personalities, but all with loving hearts. Im glad I found them. Its nice to have people to call friends that understand the situations we are all in. No one truly understands what it is like unless they have lived through something remotely similar as what we have all been through.

Thanks for sharing lunch with me Elisa.. I thoroughly enjoyed your company and look forward to our next venture... And dont for a second think I wont be visiting once the palace is done up there..


I miss Michael =(

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Sunday Dinner with the family

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Since Christmas we have been talking about doing family dinner's together. Well guess what its August and today was the first one... I decided during the week to have Cathy and the girls over for dinner. Tayler missed most of it she was out of town being scoutted for basketball (at 14). I made a beautiful pot roast dinner over egg noodles, Country Crock mashed potatoes for Lauryn, Phil made white rice (cuz hes puerto rican and doesnt do the irish noodles) and some green beans. The pot roast was great. Crock pot style with carrots and potatoes.. Real Irish meal filled with Startch, no Atkins in my house, Carbs are my friend.
For appies I did a small pasta salad and some fresh mozzarella and sundried tomato's in Olive Oil, went over well. Dippin bread going on everywhere.

We sat around watching educational tv.. lol yeah ok it was Cops and talking. It blows me away how big the girls are getting. Jaclyn is 16 1/2 already. I remember her being 1 just a few blinks ago. She has developed quite the wise ass attitude, which can be annoying yet cute at the same time. She has her mother's quick wit thats for sure. Tayler is just a bundle of love. She's the one always hugging, kissing and holding your hand, wants to be right up on you. At 14, she has her attitude, but for the most part just keeps her tude to herself. Lauryn is 9 going on 25 some days. She's big for her age 5'2", she weighed herself tonight 100lbs. Shes such a slender little thing. Her friends coined her Bird Legs. Shes such a good kid... This summer we have spent alot of time together.

Dinner was wonderful... The girls brought Brownies, I supplied Vanilla Ice Cream, and some fresh/frozen fruit. We all ate, enjoyed, mingled, talked. Cathy finally got to see the pictures of Michael, which turned into a whole debate between her and Phil. Needless to say she believe hospitals should not take pictures, give momento's, etc for people to hold onto. I dont hold it against her, she hasnt walked a mile in my shoes. I guess she commented to Phil that I havent come to find closure. Do you ever have "closure" when you loose a child, I think not, but that is just my interpritation of that. She is entitled to her own opinion and I stayed with the girls in the office to avoid that conversation. We shall talk about it another day...

So on to planning the next dinner, what should I make?

Google Yourself

Go ahead and do it... Google your first name in the image directory and you will be surprised at the things you come up with... I picked ones that I felt were relevent to my life...
My desire to be skinny and it's association with Love?
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
My cautiousness in lending a hand?
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
My sometimes inability to speak my mind clearly (no mouth)
[This is somewhere in Ireland]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Feeling lost
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
My love for bread, especially fresh baked bread from the supermarket..

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

My feelings of being at a crossroads
Image hosted by Photobucket.com An antique bed I would LOVE
Image hosted by Photobucket.com My Irish heritage
Image hosted by Photobucket.com The serenity I need in my life
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I Love You....

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Husbands sometimes suck

I dont know how to explain the frustration I am feeling with Phil right now...
On one hand he is a normally good hearted, kind, person, on the other a thoughtless shit.
We made an agreement months back, I wont go into specifics but lets just say, we both agreed to keep up our end of the bargin. Well I have and he was until he decided to push his luck a few weeks back and do the very thing we promised that we wouldnt do.. Ok this is hard to explain without explaining. On Saturday nights his friend has the guys" over to play cards, watch sports, and drink beers. I dont have a problem with this in moderation. 1 its about 40 mins away and if you are drinking you shouldnt drive that far from home, 2 there is NO need for it to be every Saturday night. once or twice a month is reasonable. We came to an agreement that he would go once a month. Well June came around and after a few months of doing the once thing, he pushed for twice, two weekends in a row actually. A week went by and I didnt say anything, 2 weeks after his last outing he asks to go again, I said no we have plans (graduation party) he tells me "well it is July", fine I say do as you please. He goes.. Our friends son is graduating high school and giving a party and he doesnt attend. Which BTW is par for the course on the rare occasion that we are going to go out with these people, he always has a "problem". But of course if he is in the mood he wants to go to the bar, but only on his terms.

So....July 23rd comes around and there is apparently this big game on that he wants to go to said friends house and watch. He begs and pleads although I had already made plans with another couple to go out to dinner. He calls and cancels with couple behind my back and doesnt tell me until the afternoon of. Then he tells me he really wants to see the game, do I mind... WTF am I supposed to do, I say again, fine do as you please, He goes. When he returns that night he swears he will not go again until Sept. Fine, Im happy with that. Where do you think he was tonight? Yep you guessed it.

After making a date with me yesterday that didnt happen because of his stomach ache, he tells me when I was tucking him in bed last night, "Do you mind if I go to Bills tomorrow night" I dont answer, I kiss him goodnight and go about my business because ya know, two can play this game I think. Well I let him have it this morning and he clearly knows I am not happy. Im out all day with the girls running errands, he is calling my cell, I am not answering. Come home at 5:15 he shortly after, showers, gets dressed, baseball hat on and he comes to the sofa to kiss me goodbye. "I dont fuckin believe you" is all that could come out of my mouth. I am furious.. Well needless to say he went. I didnt let it bring me down, I went to the movies with Cathy and Lauryn and just let things go.

He came home a few minutes ago, and I am just going to ignore him. Tomorrow night is family dinner at our house, where the girls and cathy comeover here.. He is in for a nice long day of the silent treatment and then when everyone leaves, he is going to get a mouthful of Tara..

Im tired of this shit!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Walking in the Rain....


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
There is nothing more relaxing then walking in the rain.... I started off on my journey this morning, umbrella in hand, hoodie on and all comfy... I decided against bringing a walkman this morning because I needed to clear my head. Last night was one of those "bad" nights. I can't even call it bad, because it is what I have to deal with in life. Things happen for a reason right?
Well I spent a few hours last night having a pitty party for myself. Glass of milk and a cookie.. Thats right A cookie. I found myself retracing the events of January 2nd through 7th and wondering what if anything I could have done to change the outcome of that situation. And guess what? I couldnt find a thing. As unfair and unfortunate at is it, it is what it is...

I haven't had a good Michael cry in a long while so I guess I was just overdo. I can't help but wishing he was here with me right now. For whatever reason he isn't. I miss him much...

SO back to the walking in the rain... The photo above reminds me of where I want to be... Walking on the beach in the rain.. Watching the waves roll up along the shore, taking away all the pain...
Maybe Sunday a drive to the beach is in order.

Probably.......

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have
had the chance to love this much

God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

~Probably shouldnt be this way~ LeAnn Rimes

The words tell the story of my life.
I miss you Michael Joseph, I wish you were here with me now.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Loving the music...

Free concerts in the park, under the stars, I planted my beach chair in the grass, sprayed myself down with bug spray, popped open a bottle of water and let the music take me away. I didnt think jazz was my thing, I thought wrong. Two bands, first jazz, second rock. May covers by band two that I thoroughly enjoyed. I sat and enjoyed alone. I was full of peace. Who knew that this was a weekly thing all summer and I have missed out. I gotta start reading the paper. Movies under the stars every Monday night at 9, I missed To Kill a Mockingbird and Cassablanca, next week is Annie, I might just go to enjoy the ambiance.
The best things in life are FREE!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Picture this....

It's 1am and I really should have been in bed already but sitting on the computer playing Mahjongg was more appealing to me. It was a pretty hot night last night, but for whatever reason I didnt have the fan on... (no air in this room) Anyway as I am sitting here I start to hear the crickets outside. Usually I dont hear them because I think they come out later then 1am. Anyway.. First I would hear this loud cricket noise, then a very faint cricket noise. I layed back in my chair and started to think. That must be a mother cricket, teaching her baby how to rub his little legs together. Hey maybe that was a sign that Im going to be pregnant soon. Wishful thinking.

Anyway, normally in my days or nights, I dont stop for a second to enjoy anything except my flowers and plants. I just sat here smiling at the thought of those crickets.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Monday, August 01, 2005

It's Been Awhile.....

Ok so I havent checked in, in a while. Im dealing with helping the kids get ready for school, running people where they need to go, cleaning up my house, trying to get rid of all the crap I collect, Scrapbooking, setting up my new computer, and trying to work on getting in shape.

I have been having a crazy ass cycle and I dont know what to think. I am keeping track to bring things to the OB and see what he thinks. I also set up to have more Thyroid testing done.

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I have some moments, like this afternoon, but I cleaned my way through it, tears and all. A song came on the radio and I just started balling.

I wanted to go to Ohio in the next few weeks but Skyler went to visit his grandparents in NC for 2 weeks so I wont be able to go until he comes back and then he is back in school. =( I want to go so I can meet Jenn.

Well thats all I have for you now.