When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be
John Keats

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

Walking hand in hand, heart in heart

We walked through the falls, hand in hand. We took the long route, some 1300 steps. 16 sets of falls. Pure beauty, pure bliss. It was quiet, peaceful, serene. We talked alot about our future. Our goals, our dreams, how the events in our life have changed us. 6 years together isn't a very long time, but it seems like a long time to me. We have experienced so much in our time together. Ups, Ups, Ups, Downs, Downs, Ups, Ups.. Definately more ups then downs. I can count on 1 hand how many actual fights we have had. Disagreements, everyone has those, but actually fights, only 3. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many wonderful times we have spent.

Most of our great times were spent doing nothing, walking, talking, making pancakes, folding towels, sitting on the couch in a dark candle lit room, just holding each other. At night when he goes to bed, I tuck him in, cover him, kiss his forehead, and tell him how much I love him. These sort of memories are the ones I will hold onto for a lifetime. The silly things, like how many times he has bought me the same card from Hallmark, the notes on the bathroom mirror in eye liner, the time he locked the keys in the car and was standing out there in the pouring rain for 35 mins trying to use a hanger on the slightly opened window, all while refusing to allow me to try, his face when I got it unlocked in less then a minute. The pillow fights in the middle of the night. Painting his nails pink, and hiding the polish remover, The notes taped to back of my shirt, I think there were 23 of them, and I never felt 1. We laughed for months about that one.

I never knew just how wonderful love could be. I love Phil endlessly.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is and bottle it. I have been feeling so awesome this week. Mentally I am in the right frame of mind. Emotionally, I am doing great. Physically, I feel wonderful. I haven't been feeling stressed out or run down.

It's friday already, I cant believe how quickly time has flow. My diet is going wonderful. Guess not being stressed does great things for my eating habits.
WOOHOO

Calm has found me.

I have found a calming in my life. I'm not sure when or how but I feel like a million pounds has been lifted right off my shoulders. I am feeling wonderful the last week or so. I had a tense 2 days with a situation, but now that it is resolved I feel rejuvinated. I think sometimes leaving the past behind makes the future seem so much brighter.

Im looking forward to my appointment with the nutritionist on Wed. Im hoping that will get the ball rolling and find a healthy way to get this weight off. I know I can do it, it is just a matter or getting some help. Even if that help is just someone to listen, someone that makes me feel like I am going to succeed. Hard to explain, but sometimes I just need to know from someone else that I am doing good.

Where there's a will, there's a way....

Im heading thata way...



Happy Birthday to my big brother Danny!!! The big 36. LOVE YOU!!!

OOOpppsss I did it again

I went out again... woohoo me. I'm finding my way again and I LOVE it... Saturday night Phil and I went out for a nice dinner. Then I went up to Rosann's for the fire. Too windy outside, so we turned it into a garage party. I drank a 6 pack of this stuff.. YUMMY
Its Zima XXX Wild Black Cherry..

Its soooooooo good, much better then a Black Cherry Wine Cooler. 5.9% though...

I usually just drink beer, but figured, I would change up for a bit.

We all sat around bs'n. It felt just like old times. Glad I did it.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Nuff Said

Hold onto your seats, I went OUT!

It had been awhile since I had gone up to the bar with Rosann, The main reason the SMOKE makes me gag in there. Stale cig smoke smells nasty. But she called tonight at 9:30 and asked so I dusted off the jeans and sweatshirt and threw on my tennis shoes and went. I was only there for a little over and hour but it felt good to go out again. The bar was slow, and I actually got HIT ON!! I was a little shocked, because I wasn't exactly looking hot..LOL

She is having a bonfire this weekend, I may make my way up there, phew twice in 1 week, I dont know if I can handle it.

I think if I stop emphasizing on what I am missing out on and get my ass out of the house I will be better off, and just may regain the confidence I had not that long ago. Confidence will in turn, help me stay motivated to loose this weight. Losing weight will in turn, hopefully help me get pregnant.

So I guess a beer or two a week wont do any harm. Sounds like a plan.

Proud Aunt

Skyler James



Lily Margo

Sniff Sniff, Tissues, Vicks, and that goes along with it.

I am one of those people that rarely gets sick. Two days ago I started feeling a sore throat coming on and it all escalated from there. This morning I felt like crap, this evening I feel like I have been run over by a tractor trailer going 80 down the highway. My throat feels all dry, my left nostril is clogged, my head hurts, my body aches. I take my meds every 5 hours and hope that this goes away tomorrow. I just hate feeling sick. Though I may loose a few lbs this weekend since I can't stomach the thought to eat.

And it is official, just about everyone I know that is trying to have a baby is now pregnant. Sarah got her + this week. She is 7w 1d I believe. She is the only person I have come across with a PPROM very similar to mine. I think she was afraid to tell me, but I am happy for her. I hope she has the perfect outcome so I will have hope.

Woe is Me..

I guess things come in bunches these days. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I think it is wonderful, especially those people like myself that have been through such loss. But part of me just wants it to be me. Two really good forum friends are expecting, and a few other forum girls. I am so happy for them. I wish them nothing but the best, and I cant wait to see their little bundles. I guess I am just feeling down on myself. But that is all about to change. I can feel it. I have a solution to this weight issue that is keeping me so down. And to top it off the nutritionist finally called today.

I see her on the 19th. Hopefully she will be able to help me. Although I know that part of my issues are not at all related to food, and that if I don't fix the underlining problems, then the weight issue is not going to be solved either. So I have resolved that I really need to get into a therapy type situation other then the one I am currently in. That reality hit me this morning when I was trying to fix some breakfast and had the urge to get in the car and drive to BK because I was being lazy. I did not do it. I fixed myself some eggs and made them extra special with some cheese.

I have to get a grip on all of this. Im hoping this woman can teach me about eating healthy and set me on a plan. Accountability, is exactly what I need. I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to have someone to check in with. Like when I was on weight watchers. Having to answer to someone and myself week after week really helps me. Im hoping meeting with this nutritionist will help.

I did the whole purge, detox off sugar thing this weekend. I felt ok except for a headache. I still have the headache but have been taking plenty of tylenol.

Give me a sense of support when you talk to me, I need it now more then ever friends..

What a difference a year makes

It just dawned on me that one year ago today Michael was starting to grow in my belly. October 3rd, 2004- It was a Sunday night, I ran to the store for a test. + I was shocked. Phil and I layed in bed for hours that night talking about how perfect it was for me to be pregnant again and how happy we were to be given the opportunity again. It had only been 5 months since our first loss, and we didn't think it would happen so soon.

I never imagined the outcome that came of Michael's pregnancy. I should be sitting here now writing about my 4month old son and how much he is changing. Maybe this time next year I will be carrying another miracle. Hopefully that one will have a better outcome then the rest. But for now, I have to work this plan to get my physical and mental health back.
Wish me luck!

Vanishing

Vanishing

If I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Surely I would
Hear the distant laughter
Wasn't it you and me
Surviving the night
You're fading out of my sight
Swiftly

Chorus:
You're vanishing
Drifting away
You're vanishing

I was so enraptured
No sensibility
To open my eyes
I misunderstood
Now you're fading faster
It's suddenly hard to see
You're taking the light
Letting the shadows inside
Swiftly

Chorus

Reaching out into the distance
Searching for spirits of the past
Just a trace of your existence to grasp
And if somehow I could recapture
All of the memories
And bring them to life
Lord knows I would
But now you're fading faster
Getting so hard to see
Taking the light
Letting the darkness inside
Swiftly

- Mariah Carey -