what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

NO South of the Border Fiesta's for me for 2 weeks

Today was the day I both dreaded and hoped for. I was nervous at what could have been, and might have been. I was lucky enough to end up with all positive happenings. The D & C and Hysteroscopy went smoothly. Dr. D reports no problems with my uterus, shaping seems fine, no obstructions, and the fibroids are no where in the inner lining as the u/s revealed.. This was my last hope at a reason for loosing Michael. I think I need to seriously stop looking for a reason why, and move on with my life with Phil. I love Michael very much and will spend the rest of my days thinking of him, but I need to release the hold and concentrate on my future.

I am on 2 weeks pelvic rest, basically means we can bd. Our mini vacation / honeymoon is scheduled for May 6th. By then I should be fine. We will just use cdms for a few weeks after. I am so looking forward to our little getaway. It will be nice to get away from the distractions of every day life and just enjoy some time together. We are going to go to the wine country in NY State. I have to do some research of things to do up that way. I already found quite a few things that I am looking forward. Most of all just want to cuddle in front of the fire and enjoy some time together.

Traci said Lily is doing great. She has the same heart issue as Traci but will be fine. They will monitor it until she is an adult and then do surgery if needed. I got another package together to send out there tomorrow if I can make it to the post office. A few outfits for Lily and some YuGiOh cards for Skyler. I miss my little man. I cant wait to get out there and spend some time with him. I am also feeling better about Lily now. I look forward to meeting her.

Ok tiredness coming on. Time for bed.

New Car Smell

You have got to love the new car smell. I went and bought a new car. Did I need one, NO? but I have a shopping addiction I can not control. Kidding. I was driving an 01 and paying 323 a month. I bought an 04 for 338 a month. I couldnt pass up the deal. Its the same, a Mercury Sable LS Premium. I am so comfortable in my Sables'. Phil has a way of trying to make me feel guilty about cars. When I got the first one I was working at Michaels and made 4 times the monthly payment and nothing was ever said about him driving his 99 Taurus. Then when I left Michaels he started commenting how I drive a better car then him. Well it was no different with the new car. We cant afford 2 car payments if we intend on getting a house by summers end.. I just hate feeling like he is giving me a guilt trip. After the summer I have to look for a job.

THE CHILL OUT is back up and running for the summer season. Rosann asked me to pitch in 2 days a week. Friday and Saturdays from 11-6. It's 100 bucks a week which I will definately use to pay more into the house fund. I really enjoy working up there with her. It gives us time to socialize and gets me out of the house.Last year was lots of fun and I made nice tips, but the hours were long. I can't do that many hours this year. I want to spend my summer with the girls and go on lots of day trips.

Friday night: Won a Molson Canadian Hockey club at Doc's. Have NO idea what I am going to do with it..LOL

Sunday- Phil and I chilled at home most of the day. I was tired from working at the on Saturday all day and I wanted to get stuff done in the house so I wont worrya bout it after surgery.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Tough times dont last, tough people do

I had a very long week since my last post.

First:
Lily Margo was born in Saturday April 16th at 12:39 pm, weighing in at 6lb 13oz, 18 1/2 inches long. She is doing wonderful. She does have a slight heart murmor like Traci has. It was a rough day to hear of her birth. I was driving to the shower when Danny called. I didn't think it was going to hit me so hard. Im not sure when I will be able to take a trip out to Ohio to see them. Hopefully my healing will start after my surgery Monday. My heart does not seem to want to ease up.

Second:
The shower was completely out of control and not well organized. I have an issue with things like that. First and foremost, you do not have a shower with 45 people in a chinese buffet place. The room we were in was so tiny and crammed. She got tons of gifts though which was nice. She will be moving to NC after the May 13th wedding in Vegas.
There were 5, count em * * * * * pregnant women there. One due on my EDD. It was rough.
Aunt Patricia asked me to take Melissa home about 10 mins away from the shower. I agreed because they told me the Parkway was right near her house. Well!! Melissa gave me the wrong instructions and I ended up lost in Newark. It took me over 3 1/2 hours to get back home, and it is normally a 2 hour ride. I was not happy. I just kept crying. Too many emotions going on for me to deal with. I stopped at Rosann's on the way home for a beer. She was having Jon's party for his 19th.

Sunday: Phil and I spent the entire day together. We tried to do a picnic but that quickly faded. So we got in the car and just went for a ride.

Friday, April 15, 2005

4-15-05

Havent been good at keeping up with this.

Having been feeling all that well. Depression sucks. I am working on getting healthy.I know I have to try harder. I want to get in top shape or damn near close to it so I can try and have another baby. I fear that even if I do change my health and eating and loose some weight that I might get pregnant and loose another like I did Michael.

19 weeks is along time to be pregnant and then loose a baby. I dreamt awake alot about the baby growing inside me. I would think about what it was going to be like to finally be a mother. I could have sworn I was having a girl. When I went to the hospital that dreadful day I thought about what I would name "her". Delani is the name I chose for a girl, but loved the name so much that I did not want to use it for a baby I would never hear called just so. Delivery sucked even halfway through a pregnancy. When the nurse said "boy" I thought OMG I dont have a name for him.

Phil named him Michael, I later added Joseph for the chief on Phil's arm. He was such a beautiful little boy. Looked as normal as one could for being so premature. I was scared at first to even look. Now looking back i am glad I did. I held him close and kissed his itty bitty forehead. I traced his body with my fingertip.
I long to hold him again now, 14 weeks later. I would be 33 weeks right now, getting ready to hold my baby. Getting what I always dreamed, to become a mom.

Lily Margo will be here within 2 weeks. I dread her birth. I hope I can love her as much as I love Skyler. She comes at a time in my life where sadness lives. Our babies were meant to come some 5 weeks apart, now I am left with an empty heart and empty arms. I am happy for D&T, they have raised Skyler so well, I know they will do their very best with Lily also.

-Sometimes I wonder what I did so wrong in my life that my baby's keep getting taken from me. Am I really that horrible of a person? And how about the drug addicts that having 1/4 of a dozen babies just for the welfare money. That frustrates me. It really is not fair.

I want so much to have a baby again, and hopefully there will be success the next go around.

Today is Lauryn's birthday party. I am not really looking forward to it, but know that AC needs my help with all 11 girls. I need to get myself together. Tomorrow is Siobhan's bridal shower, not looking forward to that either. Maybe it's because I know what people will be thinking when they look at me. HOW FAT!

I miss Phil he is in Philadelphia today for business. I cant wait for us to go on our vacation in a few weeks. We need time to be ALONE and just hold each other, talk, walk, have fun in each other's company.

It has been Two months, one week, six days, 10 hours, 38 minutes and 6 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 869 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $180.38. Life saved: 3 days, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!