Havent been good at keeping up with this.
Having been feeling all that well. Depression sucks. I am working on getting healthy.I know I have to try harder. I want to get in top shape or damn near close to it so I can try and have another baby. I fear that even if I do change my health and eating and loose some weight that I might get pregnant and loose another like I did Michael.
19 weeks is along time to be pregnant and then loose a baby. I dreamt awake alot about the baby growing inside me. I would think about what it was going to be like to finally be a mother. I could have sworn I was having a girl. When I went to the hospital that dreadful day I thought about what I would name "her". Delani is the name I chose for a girl, but loved the name so much that I did not want to use it for a baby I would never hear called just so. Delivery sucked even halfway through a pregnancy. When the nurse said "boy" I thought OMG I dont have a name for him.
Phil named him Michael, I later added Joseph for the chief on Phil's arm. He was such a beautiful little boy. Looked as normal as one could for being so premature. I was scared at first to even look. Now looking back i am glad I did. I held him close and kissed his itty bitty forehead. I traced his body with my fingertip.
I long to hold him again now, 14 weeks later. I would be 33 weeks right now, getting ready to hold my baby. Getting what I always dreamed, to become a mom.
Lily Margo will be here within 2 weeks. I dread her birth. I hope I can love her as much as I love Skyler. She comes at a time in my life where sadness lives. Our babies were meant to come some 5 weeks apart, now I am left with an empty heart and empty arms. I am happy for D&T, they have raised Skyler so well, I know they will do their very best with Lily also.
-Sometimes I wonder what I did so wrong in my life that my baby's keep getting taken from me. Am I really that horrible of a person? And how about the drug addicts that having 1/4 of a dozen babies just for the welfare money. That frustrates me. It really is not fair.
I want so much to have a baby again, and hopefully there will be success the next go around.
Today is Lauryn's birthday party. I am not really looking forward to it, but know that AC needs my help with all 11 girls. I need to get myself together. Tomorrow is Siobhan's bridal shower, not looking forward to that either. Maybe it's because I know what people will be thinking when they look at me. HOW FAT!
I miss Phil he is in Philadelphia today for business. I cant wait for us to go on our vacation in a few weeks. We need time to be ALONE and just hold each other, talk, walk, have fun in each other's company.
It has been Two months, one week, six days, 10 hours, 38 minutes and 6 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 869 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $180.38. Life saved: 3 days, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
1 comment:
((HUGS)) to you Tara. I had no idea that our situations were so similiar. My brother had a daughter a couple of years ago and then him and his wife announced a second pregnancy when marko and I were about 2 months. We were due to have our babies very close together. She went on to have another daughter and even now 9 months later it is tough. At christmas marko and I decided to go away, we simply couldn't handle family dinners. All the attention being paid to Kyla, the feeling that Maia was forgotten. My family was very understanding and on more than one occasion we declined family dinners. I just want you to know that I have been there. If you ever feel like e-mailing me with frustrations please do, I can share mine back and we can feel like we are in it together...that sometimes helps.
I take it to mean you haven't met her yet right? the first time was brutal, no two ways about it. If I were you I would go drunk ;) ok I am just kiddin...sort of!
thanks for sharing your blog!
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