what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

2006

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How in the world did we get through an entire year already? Where has the time gone? Life really does just fly right by doesn't it!! It is that time again, to start fresh. The annoying bad date writing on checks and all. It always takes me a couple of weeks to get into the habit of writing the new year instead of the old.

So at this time of the year you are supposed to make a resolution.

res·o·lu·tion
( P )
The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
A resolving to do something.
A course of action determined or decided on.
A formal statement of a decision or expression of opinion put before or adopted by an assembly such as the U.S. Congress

Resolutions are things you really should take seriously, but most people resolve for the same thing year after year, never really making it past January. It is all downhill from there. The most common I presume are, lose weight, exercise, quit smoking etc... I do all those already so I decided on a resolution that I can stick to.

I resolve to not drink soda. Sounds simple enough but for me this could be quite the challenge. We shall see in February if I have stuck to it. No soda at all, no diet, no sprite, no seltzer. The hardest part is going to be restaurants that don't have sweetened Iced Tea. Water is good, I can make it.

This afternoon with my lunch I will have my last soda until at least 366 days from now, who knows maybe my last forever.

So for now I will bid you ado in the year of 2005. May 2006 bring you everything you hope for a more. There are alot of great things on the horizon for many I know in the coming year. I look forward to being apart of it all, and hopefully before years end, making a little magic for myself.

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Friday, December 30, 2005

Will you think less of me?

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With the anticipation of the week ahead, I have been spending alot of time meditating. Deep breathing coupled with deep thoughts. Part of me wants to celebrate the gifts I have been given through my son, and another part of me wants to give in and just lay in bed crying. I do realize the latter will not change what has been. This morning I sat silent on my yoga mat, eyes closed, mind free of everything except my son. I tried to imagine what he would want from me. Where he would want me to be almost a year after he left me. What would be best for me to continue this journey that is life. My decision, come January 8th, I will start my year fresh. I am going to make a beautiful box up of all his things, his blanket, his pictures, the teddy bear I bought him, the ornaments, the angel statues, the baby book, the letters I have written, and the letter I will write on January 7th completing 1 year without him. I am going to pack away all these things, place the box on the top shelf of my closet.

Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind, I just think I have to move past what this situation and what it has done to me the last year, and continue on the positive path I have been following for the past 3 months. I have learned many lessons and met many wonderful people this past year. I like to think that was the reason Michael was given to me. To solidify my relationship with Phil, to help us grow stronger yet closer together. To realize that life is short, and I need to live for the moment and enjoy the little things.

In the last year I have become ALOT less uptight. I realize everything is not going to be the picture of perfection and the baseboards do not need to be cleaned daily. Skipping a day or two will not cause great catastrophe in my life. If I don't get around to the dishes immediately after eating, they will still be there an hour later, or even 4. I guess I have found a sense of peace lately.

I vow this new year to come to continue on my path of self exploration, to cherish every moment I spend with those I love, and even those I just like a little bit. I will continue to learn and grow, despite the terrible losses I have suffered in the past. I will allow myself to just be.

So.... Will you think less of me?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

On the right road

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87lbs to go of 102

I'm working my way back to where I need to be.

The new year is going to be my time, to get myself healthy.
2007 is going to be my year, the year I become a mother again, I can feel it, but until then I have to continue to work my way to the ultimate goal.

Encourage me when you can
Motivation is key

Monday, December 26, 2005

Just cuz I haven't told you lately



Ten months, three weeks, three days, 20 hours, 28 minutes and 57 seconds. 3934 cigarettes not smoked, saving $816.35. Life saved: 1 week, 6 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.

Falala and all that stuff

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Merry Christmas!!!

Ok so I am a day late and a dollar short, but yanno I was busy and all that.
I had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas, filled with lots of fun times, fun games, fun gifts, and funny memories. My Manicotti came out wonderful, but boy was it hard to make, I think I will stick to shells from now on. The kids had fun, and Phil and I got so many wonderful presents.

Last night I had a moment, but it was just that a moment, nothing to send me into a crying fit or anything. I was just sad. My first Christmas as a mother, and I can't even enjoy it with my son. It is so hard to believe that the 1 yr mark is just around the corner. Wish for me smooth vibes. I think I am going to be ok.

Hope you had a wonderful holiday, whatever holiday it is you celebrate.

I would love some feedback on something, hit to comment if you wish. Do you think it is ok for non religious people to celebrate Christmas? Do you think it has become so materialized that in most cases the underline celebration of Jesus' birth is forgotten by most? For those non-religious people out there, what exactly is it you are celebrating on Christmas?

Now this is all coming from someone who doesn't necessarily believe in all the uniformed religious stuff, although I was raised a Catholic. For years I have been trying to find my place in a religion that suits me but haven't gotten there yet. I do celebrate though, the birth of Christ, but at the same time I see it as an over exploited day of the year. It is fun though to get gifts. So I guess I am just as guilty of the over exploitation.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Are you a slave to fashion?

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I will admit, I too am a slave to fashion in a lot of aspects, but this just goes above and beyond. The first thing that stood out to me was the tacky nylon ankle high's, Did she not realize she had capri pants on? Then there is the obvious *shoe protectors*. She probably paid a small fortune for the shoes and doesn't want to ruin them?

To an extent I tend to over indulge in clothing, purses, shoes, sneakers, things I just do not need. If I had to guess how many purses I have, Id have to go with about 4 dozen maybe. It is actually very sad. Most get used for a few weeks until a cuter one catches my eye. Then it finds its way into a box and piled in the closet, never to resurface unless I am cleaning out the closet.

My most recent purchase was a Louis Vuitton Ellipse. Granted it is a knock-off I got in China Town, NYC, but it is the purse of my dreams. I have wanted and dreamed of this purse for years. A brand new real LV would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $900, I paid $30 for my knock-off. The reality is you can not tell the difference without looking closely. 2 weeks later, Im ready to move on to something new. It is not all I dreamt of. It is stiff, the zipper is kinda hard to slide between the stiff leather bag. I'm kinda glad I never begged and pleaded for Phil to buy me the real thing.

Clothes, I am not so bad. I don't go out of my way looking for more expensive stuff. It usually just ends up the higher end stuff fits me better. *shrug*

Shoes, sneakers, boots Oh my.... I couldn't even begin. I have so many pairs of tennis shoes I could shoe an entire apartment complex. Most of which still have yet to wear and have tags still attached. I don't know why I need to have every color New Balance and Nike they come out with. My most recent purchase Nike Shox Turb OZ iD's, personalized with my own colors, and MY NAME!! How in the world could I not get them? They have been sitting in a box for a month.

So I guess I am a slave to fashion. Or maybe I just have an addiction to shopping. Or maybe I just like to buy myself things. Probably all of the above.
Oh well, off to check out Ebay =)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

To hold in my hands.

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I wish I could hold the world in my hands, embrace the people who know no better then to continue to make a mess of their life. To explain the importance of respect, honor and dignity to the children who are born to parents in need of help. To make all the errs of the world disappear. To return to the times when people were hardworking, caring respectful people, who would never think to disrespect, or harm another human.

What happened to respect in this world?

Why are children not being taught the morals and values that they will need to be all they can be? Instead they are being taught about the wing spans of exotic birds that they will probably never come across in their lives.

In this day and age, it seems moms are getting younger, and younger. In turn, most children these days are not being reered in the right direction.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 very disheartening experiences. These situations made me wonder, just what is the world going to be like in 20 years? If I am ever blessed with children, what is life going to be like for my kids, kids.

I watched as a 18-20 year old mother of 2 small children was taken into custody for stealing from a local department store. Her 6 year old son was absolutely hysterical, while her 3 year just stared stunned. Instead of calming her son down, she yelled at him, swearing at him. I cant even imagine what she was thinking. She had apparently taken some high end clothing and make up kits and stuffed them into her stroller.

The part that bothered me the most is the lesson she just taught that 6 year old boy. What lessons is she teaching this child? He is going to be tormented by visions of those security guards taking his mother by force, while another tried to calm the children. I stood there in amazement, and wanted to grab a hold of that little boy and tell him everything would be ok, I wanted to give him a giant hug. But instead I stood there with eyes full of tears. Sadly, under the circumstances he is probably living in, his chance in life are going to be limited without a lot of hard work on his part.

I just don't understand some people, and I can't comprehend what this world has come to.

I would love to just fix it all.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I think of thee


On what should have been your first holiday season I think of you. I bought you a beautiful angel and found the perfect spot on the tree. As we drove home this evening, your daddy and I watched this bright shining star. It seemed to follow us everywhere we went. Daddy said it is watching us home safely, I thought to myself, he is watching us home safely.
I miss you with every ounce of me.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

in times of serenity, there comes peace

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the calm before the storm
emotions are filling me
slowly sneaking up on me
i feel you ever so lightly coming into my sight

i dont fear you
im ready to face you
head on we will meet
i feel myself running into the light

I was once drained of everything I thought I had in me, I then realized that I just wasn't ready to be beaten. my life has taken me down more roads then I care to have travelled down. I realized the pity party had to end. I needed to learn from the lessons I was given. I came to realize there is no complete recovery, and I couldn't really put the past behind me. I had to face things head on, deal with them, and move on from them. They are not filed away in a box somewhere. They are fresh in mind. All of them. All those memories, the good and the bad. I now know, my past will not hold me back from the future I invision.