Will you think less of me?

With the anticipation of the week ahead, I have been spending alot of time meditating. Deep breathing coupled with deep thoughts. Part of me wants to celebrate the gifts I have been given through my son, and another part of me wants to give in and just lay in bed crying. I do realize the latter will not change what has been. This morning I sat silent on my yoga mat, eyes closed, mind free of everything except my son. I tried to imagine what he would want from me. Where he would want me to be almost a year after he left me. What would be best for me to continue this journey that is life. My decision, come January 8th, I will start my year fresh. I am going to make a beautiful box up of all his things, his blanket, his pictures, the teddy bear I bought him, the ornaments, the angel statues, the baby book, the letters I have written, and the letter I will write on January 7th completing 1 year without him. I am going to pack away all these things, place the box on the top shelf of my closet.

Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind, I just think I have to move past what this situation and what it has done to me the last year, and continue on the positive path I have been following for the past 3 months. I have learned many lessons and met many wonderful people this past year. I like to think that was the reason Michael was given to me. To solidify my relationship with Phil, to help us grow stronger yet closer together. To realize that life is short, and I need to live for the moment and enjoy the little things.

In the last year I have become ALOT less uptight. I realize everything is not going to be the picture of perfection and the baseboards do not need to be cleaned daily. Skipping a day or two will not cause great catastrophe in my life. If I don't get around to the dishes immediately after eating, they will still be there an hour later, or even 4. I guess I have found a sense of peace lately.

I vow this new year to come to continue on my path of self exploration, to cherish every moment I spend with those I love, and even those I just like a little bit. I will continue to learn and grow, despite the terrible losses I have suffered in the past. I will allow myself to just be.

So.... Will you think less of me?