what is this blog about you ask? nothing, everything, something... it's about my life, a way to vent it all out, a place to babble about things...some days i am creative, others not so much... enjoy


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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Post Secret

Take a click over to PostSecret, read the postcards, and then click the comment section below this post and let me know how many secrets you could have written yourself. I see 5, can you guess which ones?

Friday, July 20, 2007

it's tricky dancing between drops

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i guess the saying april showers, brings may flowers only exists in the north, because it sure feels like april to me. the first few weeks we lived here, it was sunny skies everyday. my patio was nourished with rays of sun on a daily basis. its seems the last two weeks all we have is rainy afternoons. dont get me wrong i know we "need" the rain, believe me i see the trees around my little commune here, they were in serious need of a drink.
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is it too much to ask for the rain to come in the midst of the night or early morning hours, pretend if you will to be a sprinkler system set to soak while the rest of the world sleeps. my patio only sees 3 hours of full sun per day, i need every last second. the dry and humid air of the day is not doing wonders for my garden.
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i can only hope that this two week soaker will bring life to many of the fruits and veggies and plants abound who are dying from thirst. i know it could be worse, it could rain all day but i wish it would rain during my off hours, when the sun is rising and shining on the other side of the complex. too much to ask? probably so
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the rain brings me down, i need the sun in my life, it uplifts me, brings to a place of joy, the rays wash away the sadness, keep the tears at bay. i hope with a new week on the cusp, it brings brighter days. i have big plans for the month of august. many new beginnings for me, im set to try new things, right some wrongs if you may. hopefully i can do them in the sun.
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speaking of new beginnings, i don't think i shared the news with anyone who is bored enough to read my senseless dribble, but here is a tidbit or two of actual newsworthy information. remember the two girls from the loss forum that i explored the city with? if you dont recall read here first. well both kathy and mary are expecting little ones in a few more months... such wonderful news. kathy just found out that she is expecting a little boy in november, and i believe if my sometimes terrible memory serves me right, mary is expecting a little girl in october. so that just leaves me, the last of the mohegan's. could it be my turn? bp is under control and i am finally off the meds, and af seems to finally be on a normal track, hey ya never know.
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i'll keep ya posted

some things are better seen in photos


imagine the beauty that the light brings to the park at different times of day, you walk through the canopy of a large variety of trees, they cast shadows on the ground, using the light from the sun to dance on the blacktop. by far the most soothing part of yesterday was admiring the shadows. being in the sun, enjoying the outdoors, does wonders for my soul. wanna dance?


this tree sits in the park, with these wonderful rings on it. no matter the direction you turn your head, something new appears. what do you see? WHOWHO


i have to tell you guys about this ant. he was the most persistant ant i have ever seen. he was carrying this "kix" type cereal puff along the floor with all his might, trying im sure to bring back dinner to the den. we watched him for a few minutes, struggle, push, pull his meal. strength i tell ya.

i just had to share this most adorable picture of my neice and nephew. they just look too cute... i wish it was in front of a plain white wall, would make a perfect picture to frame. Who knows, maybe I will frame it after all.

fun in the sun, walk in the park, doesnt get much better then this

i took the kiddo's to cherry park for a little fun... skyler and i planned a scavenger hunt list before we left, and packed our picnic bag up. we walked the 2 mile track first, everyone needs a little exercise and all..LOL, on the walk we did a little scavenger hunt, 30 things to try and find.. i think we found 20.... then we sat down for a picnic lunch, followed by some fun at the playground. it was a fun and free way to spend time with the kids...=)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

must see tv

An Inconvenient Truth

family relations


truth be told, your universe really does shift when you move 700 miles... i wasn't so naive to think that the relationships in my life wouldn't change, but i guess my perception of change was a bit different. you would think the relationships you left behind would strengthen under the weight of miles, sadly that is not always the case. in moving i expected the changes, but not to the extent they are.

firstly, not long after we got settled in sc, we were hit with somewhat sad news. my brother and his wife traci were separating. in this day and age separation/divorce is unfortunately far to common, so i guess after the initial sting, i got it. i did/do have moments of sadness for my niece and nephew, but i can totally understand how in the grand scheme of things this will benefit everyone in the situation. my brother and sis in law were young. the didn't start there life together on the most normally of terms. my brother was for many years on the road with several top names. guitars has/was/always will be his niche. for a little over 10 years of their marriage, he was on the road for most of every year. they both settled into their life, doing their thing. making money, buying a home, cars, living life. two years ago, my brother retired from the road (this is the part where you here the dun dun dun). for obvious reasons, their family dynamic shifted. my brother was there everyday, jumping in as man of the house, co-parenting, etc. not always an easy situation to adjust to i imagine. long story short, it seems that for now, their marriage isn't going to work out. it's sad and it sucks but i honestly feel in the end their decision will vastly improve their relationship, as strange as that sounds.

so your wondering why i brought that up, the moral of the story is people change, and their changes effect everyone around them

im learning to reconnect with my brother and sister -in law, as you know we have lived separated by states for most of our adult life. you know someone differently when you visit them a few times a year. traci and i have always been close. we always talked on the phone just about weekly. we built a sisterhood. it has grown since we are here now. i admire her on many levels. she's a hard worker, who loves her kids to pieces. my brother and i disagree alot, as we did as kids, but there is still that connection. we both know we can disagree and that is going to be fine. we support and respect each other, through our differences. phil is finally getting to have a go at having a brother. we have been together for 8 years now, and he is just getting the opportunity to connect with my brother which is great. i hope they build a strong connection, and lasting friendship.

in the grand scheme of life changes, the 4 changes i didn't expect come from my girls back in pa. although if you have any incling into my life in the last 2.5 years, you know that some of these changes started way back when. with my aunt anyway... if you have never lost a child then you can't possibly understand the roller coaster of emotions that go along with grieving. i spent a good part of the first year a recluse in my home. i just couldn't stand to be around people who didn't get "it". in my eyes, my aunt didn't get it. she was before my confidant, someone i could talk to about anything, a staple in my life. my feelings about holding my precious lifeless son, and inevitably how that transformed me as a person, are/were topics that i just could never talk to her about. i always felt she just expected me to get over it and move on. i honestly don't think i ever will.

i partly blame myself for the demise of my position in the lives of my girls... i sheltered myself from them to keep them from seeing my hurt. i didn't want my sadness to rub off on them. unfortunately through that, i never allowed them to express their grief or sadness. the other part of me wishes my aunt would have turned my situation into a life lesson on grief, and how to approach a person who has lost a loved one.

though the relationship was a shade of distant, i still did my part when i could. the first year i picked lauryn up everyday from school, helped her with homework, waited with her until the girls came home. i went to basketball games and school events when i could. i probably could have gone to more, but some days just plain suck.

a major part of our decision to relocate from pa, was how that would affect my relationship with the girls. i had brought up the plan months before we had even solidified it, a buffer of sorts. when the time came, remarkably it was easier then expected to say goodbye. having computer access of course helps, its easier to keep in touch on this thing. i stayed up late into the night on my last night in pa, writing letters to the girls and my aunt. expressing how i felt, and how proud of them i was, and how i was going to miss them. sadly those letters were never returned, or acknowledged.

it is almost as if our relationship has turned into one of those, distant relative things, where you only send cards on holiday's, and even then they are not replied to with a thank you. i bring this up, not because i need to be thanked, believe me that is far from the case. and before anyone throws in the whole "they are kids thing" that is in my opinion is no excuse. jaclyn is 18, tayler 16, lauryn 11. in my opinion old enough to know that a simple thank you goes along way. i sent checks and gifts for two occasions so far and made sure to call with my tidings, and i was never met with a "hey thanks for the card" or "hey thanks for thinking of me". not really sure why this stabs me in the heart, non the less it does. i guess the final dig for me was when not one of them called me for my birthday last week. that really stung.

my once close relationship with my aunt has changed so much... we barely talk on the phone, and by barely i mean, i think 2x since i have been here, the last on june 5th when i called her for her birthday and was promptly cut off. we exchange emails back and forth every few weeks. the relationship is kinda stale now, almost generic. it kinda blows but i can only do my part to right the wrong. we both will have to let go of the past and accept the fact that we disagree in order for things to move forward. way back when she said that her and the girls would come down here for a few days before jaclyn starts college in august. at this point im pretty sure that wont happen, as the few times i did mention it in email, it was ignored. sad really, i would have loved for them to come into my new world, and to see skyler and finally meet lily. i will keep my offer on the board and hope that one day i am taking up on it.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucketso all and all, a thousand or so words later, i guess my whole point is this, people change, people move on, people forgive, people grow, people reunite, people forget.... it's all meant to be one way or the other. we don't always like the changes we see in others or vice versa, but we have to accept the changes and grow on them....

Monday, July 16, 2007

seesaw, knock on my door, who's there....

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in the midst of the night, i sit and wonder if i am coming or going. as if standing on the center of a seesaw teetering from side to side. my concern has me wondering which road will achieve the absolute best outcome for everyone around me. my incessant self obligatory need to please is a constant source of stress for me. though my intentions are always well meant, i need to practice some self control.

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there have been lots of changes in my life in the last 18 months or so. both spiritually and emotionally. i insist less on near perfection. my self diagnosed ocd has really been shoved to the wayside. i find myself more relaxed in most aspects. when it comes to others though, i still find myself eager to offer criticism or suggestions. in meditation tonight i made myself aware of a lesson i was taught not to long ago. as a student in life, i will keep practicing this lesson, and use the rule of thumb to think before i speak.

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i made the decision in the latter part of last week to start seeking employment. financially we are fine although covering groceries and my car payment would sure help us get ahead. 25-30 hours a week would be ideal for me. it will keep me open to watching the kids and running my errands, but still enough hours to make something to contribute to the house. hopefully i will start getting calls tomorrow. i do though dread the whole interview process.

*photos are of the birthday dozen from phil, they are without a doubt the most beautiful roses i have ever received.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

ok somehow...

somehow i didnt publish a blog from back in june so you will have to scroll down to see the garden before pictures... sorry

garden update

ok a little garden update.. first my squash and zucchini took a nosedive and i wasnt sure why until i did some internet research and found out that they have some kind of leaf disease that was spreading every time i would water them. needless to say i was really bummed out because those are my two favorites. i got rid of the soil because i kept replanting, and was probably doing continuous damage with the icky soil. i replanted in fresh soil, wish me luck.



my tomatos are doing great, i have 4 plants of all different varieties and as you can see below they are coming along quite nicely. we should be ready to pick and eat those three in a few days.



eggplants are coming along, although they are really a little early i think. the only below is the only one that big. should be ready to eat in a few weeks.. yummy!



my my my has the pepper grown.. i have two plants but this plant with the pepper came with it already sprouted a little but it has grown in size tremendously. im really surprised with my lack of full sun how well all the full sun produce is doing. i have to water 2x a day as it is very dry here but that hasnt been a problem. i thought for sure the fact that the sun shines from 3:30-6:30 on my patio would be a problem, but apparently not =)



my flower boxes took a beaten last week when we had another pounding rain... 2 days after i was still pouring water out of them. I dont have holes on the bottom so they didnt drain well... i havent watered them since and they are finally starting to dry out.



my mother's day basket from phil is finally coming back.. thanks to rosann who told me how to manage the clusters once they died off.



well thats it for the patio garden update... comment people... tell me about your summer gardens!



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Monday, July 02, 2007

a whole lotta happening

so i am terrible about updating, i do apologize
i will do my best in this blog to get things up to date..

ok so ya'll know that we moved to south carolina.. the trip went well, we did have to end up stopping over night as driving a loaded truck isn't as easy as i expected it to be. none the less we arrived around noon on the 15th. we headed over to our apartment to sign all the paperwork, and unload a few things so we could spend the night.. the next day the movers came and unloaded us.. we are settling into south carolina as good as expected. it was a little bit of culture shock at first. things here are a little slower then we are used to.

phil signed on with a small used car lot about 15 mins from the house. he is doing well there and really enjoys it. there are tons of big dealerships here, and that means more hustling so this works out better. he hasnt had to deal with the stresses that come with fighting for deals and is home everyday before the sun goes down!!

being here with danny, traci, and the kids has been awesome!!! its been a godsend for me to watch lily grow up right before my eyes. she has changed so much in the last 2 1/2 months. she speaks in full sentences and she is so darn smart. skyler is 9 going on 20, strong willed and fresh...lol he is into sports now (baseball and football) hopefully that will help him learn to deal with disappointments of not always getting his way. a bit of bad news came with our move, a few weeks after we arrived, danny and traci let us know they would be separating. danny is now in his own place and has found a bit of himself with god. its only been a few days but he seems to be happy in his new place. its unfortunate that they are separating but in time they can rebuild the friendship that is far more important then the marriage. skylet is handling things pretty well, as can be expected he is pitching a few little fits here and there. in time they will work themselves out.

skyler is heading off to camp in about a week, a full week away from home with his cousin jacob, no phone calls, no visits... just the boys becoming one with nature and hopefully having a kick ass time. im sure he will do great. i made him a pillowcase out of some globe fabric i have for his special camping pillow. i look forward to hearing all about his trip when he gets home.

since i moved away, the toughest thing has been the lack of communication with my girls up north. i miss them all like crazy.. jaclyn just graduated high school and went on her first trip with just friends to ocean city. tayler is going into 11th grade and sticking with her basketball and doing great. lauryn has decided to leave catholic school and attend public school next year. all in all i think it was a better decision for her basketball career. my aunt is down 85 lbs after her successful gastric bypass surgery in february. she is apparently doing extremely well adjusting to all that comes along with that surgery. i miss them all so much, i cant wait to head up to pa for a visit.. hopefully in the next few weeks.

oh and rosann got a 1968 mustang as a 15 yr wedding anniversary gift from ron... how sweet!

well besides sitting by the pool and sweating off some lbs in the gym, hanging around with the kids a few days a week, and strengthening my relationship with phil.. not a whole lot is going on...

phils mom is heading down from nj on july 4th for a 5 day visit... this should be interesting.. i will have to update you guys on that soon... lol

in closing i will leave you guys with a few pictures i have since the move... enjoy


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