Where do I even begin....
Sgt Peppers loney hearts club... what a reminder of the friends I have made and the women I have encountered in the last 5 1/2 months of my life.
Let me set the scene, Wed June 22nd, 2005, I await the arrival of Kathy. A 30 something young beauty from just north of me, wise beyong her years, quick wit, my kind of person. Kathy lost her sweet Katie just over a year ago. We met on the forum. We became friends today. We travelled to NY City to meet another forum mate turned friend Mary. Mary is a 40 something young beauty, with so much insight, compassion, an enormous heart, endless amounts of wisdom. Mary has a precious teen, Sarah...
I never would have thought I could share the day with 2 woman and feel such a bond. The circumstances which brought us all together suck, plain and simple. But without those circumstances, we would never have met and shared a wonderful day together, we never would have made the memories.
Kathy, opened up, healed a little somewhere in her heart. Mary, shared personal triumphs, stories of Sarah, exlax anyone? Kathy, quite travelled, seen the east coast through the eyes of a horse, she is an amazing woman. Such strength. Mary, just made me laugh, riding the subway, cracking up. Kathy brought a gift, Its filled with love, from the heart, I switched it to my left arm to be closer to my heart. Expressions of love ring throughout. Mary took us for amazing food. Two amazing restaurants, lots of bonding time. Thanks for dinner Rob (hugs). Ken wont walk the pugs in public, gets me everytime. Ken and I share a bond, we hate COTTON balls & swabs. Mary is a world traveller who knows all the best places to eat in the city. Kathy, filled with so much interesting knowledge or so many things. I learned alot of lessons from her, although she probably doesn't know it.
We visited a place I will forever hold close to my heart. The Church of the Holy Innocents. A memorial to all our babies lost. All the Angels sent on, way to early. Mary asked the kind lady to share the book with us. Just to touch it meant the world to me. Mary sat, thumbed through. Everything was in order for the most part, we had a little bit of a struggle finding our angels. Then Mary spotted her precious Thea, scrolled down, almost the bottom of the page was my Michael. Karma.
I can't even begin to describe the feelings that filled my heart throughout the day. I am glad to call these two ladies my friends. I look forward to all our future plans. We have an abundance of them. Who would have thought, as the saying goes, that I would step in shit.
Thank you ladies for being you!!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Well tomorrow is the big day!!! I am going to New York City to meet Mary. Im so excited. Kathy is coming down from NY state and we are driving to Jersey to catch the ferry. Kathy has never been to NY City before, I'm so excited for her. We are going to meet Mary at her office. Im so excited.
Im not sure why, but I have this freakish problem when I am going places, I get insomnia. It's rather annoying. I need rest cuz I am so not good at getting up in the morning. I have along day ahead of me.
Well Im going to go brush the choppers and hit the hay.
Im not sure why, but I have this freakish problem when I am going places, I get insomnia. It's rather annoying. I need rest cuz I am so not good at getting up in the morning. I have along day ahead of me.
Well Im going to go brush the choppers and hit the hay.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Lets Talk about Sex!
Sex
Hmmm How do I approach this.
Ok lets start off by saying that Phil and I always had a wonderful sex life prior to my last pregnancy. We were good at doing the deed at least 4-5 times a week. Then when I got pregnant with Michael, it stopped once we say the line on the pregnancy test. Phil has issues with DTD while pregnant. Then when I delivered Michael, things sorta just dried up between us. Not only the sex, but the emotional stuff too. Prior to this past monday we have only had sex 2 times since Michael was born. The first took almost 3 months.
The discussion came up a few weeks ago about trying to have another baby. Well we decided we would unofficiallly try, although I started watching my CM and charting it all down and such. So monday comes and we dtd not once but twice. I thought wow, he really must want a baby. Tuesday came and it was his early night home, so of course I initiated the first time, things were great, and then later that night before bed he initiated. Im thinking to myself wow, this is a good sign. Wed was his late night and I was having a bad day after seeing my doctor about my weight, and not really in the mood. Then this morning, bam I woke up to "let's go baby" with his evil sly grin.
All day I kept thinking, WE ARE BACK... He ran to sign the paper work on his new car. came home its ugly and raining out. I went to take a shower after working out came back to a naked man in my bed.
So while we were making dinner together before I brought it up. He confessed, he really wants to have another baby, and thinks it would be a sign for us to get pregnant now, being as though we would have a new born now if Michael made it full term. So he thinks like me.. That what is meant to be is meant to be. If I were to get pregnant this month or next, it would be because our little angel Michael watching over us.
There are alot of changed factors in my life now. The smoking is a major + in my department. I cant even begin to tell you how proud of myself I am for being able to give it up. I find myself talking about it alot lately. I talked to the doctor about it yesterday. he asked about cravings, I told him few and far between. He is so proud as well. He wasnt concerned about my weight. I gained 15lbs since I last saw him in late Feb, early May. He says its due to the changes from not smoking. I told him I'm loosing inches, he said better yet. Toning is better. It was a little alarming for me to know I gained that much since I recently dropped 10lbs according to my scale here at home.
Eh, Dont sweat the small stuff right? Im gonna keep up my walking routine, I have to, cuz even if I do get pregnant I can continue to walk. I know walking is so good for me to do. I have to just continue doing it.
Ok gotta run to the store for milk so mr. horny pants can have his ice cream shake.
Hey cross your fingers for me will ya...
Hmmm How do I approach this.
Ok lets start off by saying that Phil and I always had a wonderful sex life prior to my last pregnancy. We were good at doing the deed at least 4-5 times a week. Then when I got pregnant with Michael, it stopped once we say the line on the pregnancy test. Phil has issues with DTD while pregnant. Then when I delivered Michael, things sorta just dried up between us. Not only the sex, but the emotional stuff too. Prior to this past monday we have only had sex 2 times since Michael was born. The first took almost 3 months.
The discussion came up a few weeks ago about trying to have another baby. Well we decided we would unofficiallly try, although I started watching my CM and charting it all down and such. So monday comes and we dtd not once but twice. I thought wow, he really must want a baby. Tuesday came and it was his early night home, so of course I initiated the first time, things were great, and then later that night before bed he initiated. Im thinking to myself wow, this is a good sign. Wed was his late night and I was having a bad day after seeing my doctor about my weight, and not really in the mood. Then this morning, bam I woke up to "let's go baby" with his evil sly grin.
All day I kept thinking, WE ARE BACK... He ran to sign the paper work on his new car. came home its ugly and raining out. I went to take a shower after working out came back to a naked man in my bed.
So while we were making dinner together before I brought it up. He confessed, he really wants to have another baby, and thinks it would be a sign for us to get pregnant now, being as though we would have a new born now if Michael made it full term. So he thinks like me.. That what is meant to be is meant to be. If I were to get pregnant this month or next, it would be because our little angel Michael watching over us.
There are alot of changed factors in my life now. The smoking is a major + in my department. I cant even begin to tell you how proud of myself I am for being able to give it up. I find myself talking about it alot lately. I talked to the doctor about it yesterday. he asked about cravings, I told him few and far between. He is so proud as well. He wasnt concerned about my weight. I gained 15lbs since I last saw him in late Feb, early May. He says its due to the changes from not smoking. I told him I'm loosing inches, he said better yet. Toning is better. It was a little alarming for me to know I gained that much since I recently dropped 10lbs according to my scale here at home.
Eh, Dont sweat the small stuff right? Im gonna keep up my walking routine, I have to, cuz even if I do get pregnant I can continue to walk. I know walking is so good for me to do. I have to just continue doing it.
Ok gotta run to the store for milk so mr. horny pants can have his ice cream shake.
Hey cross your fingers for me will ya...
Monday, June 13, 2005
*UPDATED*
Just wanted to say I updated the blog, doesn't it look awesome?
It took a few hours to get everything uniform but I love it.
Now once I get a picture up I will be happier.
=)
Let me know what you think... comments comments comments
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 19 hours, 37 minutes and 34 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1581 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $328.12. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
It took a few hours to get everything uniform but I love it.
Now once I get a picture up I will be happier.
=)
Let me know what you think... comments comments comments
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 19 hours, 37 minutes and 34 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1581 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $328.12. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
Should I???? Or Shouldn't I????
So it would be very possible for me to get pregnant this month. Tonight in fact is a fertile night. Should I dare? Am I ready? I just dont know.
I still have quite a long way to go with my weight. At least 40lbs. But with every month that passes I think, am I wasting time. I know being overweight effects pregnancy and conception but just don't know to what degree.
The left side of the brain says, wait a few more months, the right says get busy, dont miss the opportunity.
Phil just wants the sex, he doesnt care either way. He tells me he will be ready when I am ready, but jeez I dont know when that will be.
I have an MD appointment Wed, I know he is going to give me an earful about my weight and lack of loosing it. For whatever reason it is just too hard this time. I am working my ASS off, most days and feel like I am getting NO WHERE!
I am started to get depressed about this all, that is part of the reason why I just want to be pregnant again.
Healthy would be better.
UGH!
I hate this shit.... I hate the struggle....
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 14 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1577 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $327.18. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
I still have quite a long way to go with my weight. At least 40lbs. But with every month that passes I think, am I wasting time. I know being overweight effects pregnancy and conception but just don't know to what degree.
The left side of the brain says, wait a few more months, the right says get busy, dont miss the opportunity.
Phil just wants the sex, he doesnt care either way. He tells me he will be ready when I am ready, but jeez I dont know when that will be.
I have an MD appointment Wed, I know he is going to give me an earful about my weight and lack of loosing it. For whatever reason it is just too hard this time. I am working my ASS off, most days and feel like I am getting NO WHERE!
I am started to get depressed about this all, that is part of the reason why I just want to be pregnant again.
Healthy would be better.
UGH!
I hate this shit.... I hate the struggle....
It has been Four months, one week, four days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 14 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1577 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $327.18. Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
From Jessi (((((HUGS )))))
To My Dearest Family,
Where I dwell, there is no pain
There is no cold, no dreary rain
I find a rainbow every day
And touch the sun's most warming rays
I know you wish that I were there
So you could hug and hold me near
So you would see my bright eyes shine
Yet I AM YOURS and YOU ARE MINE
You ponder years that'll come and go
The little one you won't watch grow
But treasure me safely within your hearts
For there we shall not be apart
I gaze on you from heaven above
I sense your thoughts and feel your love
Please realize, here I am at peace
I pray some of your pain may cease
God did not create a "never"
Hence, once again we'll be together
Until such time that we shall meet
In altered words may I repeat:
I am safe...I am with you...I LOVE YOU,
Your Angel Baby
(author unknown)
Where I dwell, there is no pain
There is no cold, no dreary rain
I find a rainbow every day
And touch the sun's most warming rays
I know you wish that I were there
So you could hug and hold me near
So you would see my bright eyes shine
Yet I AM YOURS and YOU ARE MINE
You ponder years that'll come and go
The little one you won't watch grow
But treasure me safely within your hearts
For there we shall not be apart
I gaze on you from heaven above
I sense your thoughts and feel your love
Please realize, here I am at peace
I pray some of your pain may cease
God did not create a "never"
Hence, once again we'll be together
Until such time that we shall meet
In altered words may I repeat:
I am safe...I am with you...I LOVE YOU,
Your Angel Baby
(author unknown)
now comes the night
when the hour is upon us
and our beauty surely gone
no you will not be forgotten
now you will not be alone
and when ythe day has all but ended
and our echo starts to fade
no you will not be alone then
and you will not be afraid
when the fog has finally lifted
from my cold and tired brow
no i will not leave you crying
and i will not let you down
no i will not let you down
i will not let you down
now comes the night
feel it fading away
and the soul underneath
is it all that remains
so just slide over here
leave your fear in the fray
let us hold to each other
til the end of our days
rob thomas 2004
and our beauty surely gone
no you will not be forgotten
now you will not be alone
and when ythe day has all but ended
and our echo starts to fade
no you will not be alone then
and you will not be afraid
when the fog has finally lifted
from my cold and tired brow
no i will not leave you crying
and i will not let you down
no i will not let you down
i will not let you down
now comes the night
feel it fading away
and the soul underneath
is it all that remains
so just slide over here
leave your fear in the fray
let us hold to each other
til the end of our days
rob thomas 2004
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Feelings through song
we were drawn from the weeds
we were brave like soldiers
falling down under the pale moonlight
you were holding to me
like someone broken
and i couldn't tell you but i'm telling you now
just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down
fall on me
tell me everything you want to be
forever with you forever in me
ever the same
we would stand in the wind
we were free like water
flowing down
under the warmth of the sun
now it's cold and we're scared
and we've both been shaken
look at us
man, this doesn't need to be the end
just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down
fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you
forever in me
ever the same
call on me
i'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
forever it's you
forever in me
ever the same
you may need me there
to carry all your weight
but you're no burden i assure
you tide me over
with a warmth i'll not forget
but i can only give you love
ever the same
rob thomas
we were brave like soldiers
falling down under the pale moonlight
you were holding to me
like someone broken
and i couldn't tell you but i'm telling you now
just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down
fall on me
tell me everything you want to be
forever with you forever in me
ever the same
we would stand in the wind
we were free like water
flowing down
under the warmth of the sun
now it's cold and we're scared
and we've both been shaken
look at us
man, this doesn't need to be the end
just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down
fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you
forever in me
ever the same
call on me
i'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
forever it's you
forever in me
ever the same
you may need me there
to carry all your weight
but you're no burden i assure
you tide me over
with a warmth i'll not forget
but i can only give you love
ever the same
rob thomas
the light from the window is fading
you turn on the night
the sound from the avenue's calling you
open your eyes
and when you find
you're spending your time
wanting for words
but never speak
you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside you just don't know
my, my, my
let your bright light shine
let your words live on
far beyond this life
beyond this life
hold on to anything
everything's over and done
has the fear taken over you
tell me
is this what you want
to make up your life
time after time
you're falling behind
hold on to me
never leave
forever be what you mean to me right now
don't you feel better now
my, my, my
rob thomas
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Im leaving on a jet plane
Dont know when I'll be back again......
Ok so Im leaving today for Ohio.. Gonna miss me? My plane leaves PA at 12:10 and arrives in Kentucky at 1:50. I cant wait to get there already. Gotta go get in the shower.
Please say a few prayers that I get along ok. And that Im not an emotional mess while Im there.
See ya's soon.
Ok so Im leaving today for Ohio.. Gonna miss me? My plane leaves PA at 12:10 and arrives in Kentucky at 1:50. I cant wait to get there already. Gotta go get in the shower.
Please say a few prayers that I get along ok. And that Im not an emotional mess while Im there.
See ya's soon.
Monday, May 23, 2005
The fast lane to no where
I feel like I was traveling down the highway doing 90 miles and hour and I hit a deer. I knew the time would come, I just didnt think it was going to hit me so quickly. Who would have thought that June 1st would come so quickly.
When you are pregnant each week takes an eternity to come. Each milestone seems like forever away. You creep up through the trimesters holding in your heart so much hope for a perfect ending. I didnt get the happy ending, instead I got what seems like just yesterdays pain, 20 weeks later.
I wonder why the things in life that are so good, and fun, and make you the happiest, are the hardest to remember the little details of. Yet, when you loose a baby, you can retrace every second of that situation.
I didnt think that time was going to cause so much heartache for me. I didnt think things were going to slap me in the face. I miss my boy. Im sad that he had to go. I am sad that I will never get to see him again. That I will not get to experience life with him. Take him to his first day of kindergarden. To help him learn to tie his shoes, write his name, fall in love.
I know in my heart of hearts that I will have all of these things with another child. I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that I will hear the words, I love you mommy. I just dont wish I could hear then and feel them now. In just about a week or so I would be holding my child in my arms, I would be hearing his first cry, I would changing his poopy diapers. Instead I am left with a whole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. I feel the pain a person would feel if they were to fall on their face.
I have repeated the same question to myself over and over and have no answer, WHY! I probably will never have an answer. But I tend to think that everything in life happens for a reason and Michael was taken from me to make way for something else in my life. To help me make the changes that I needed to make. And who knows, maybe to bring another baby into my arms. I just wish I didnt have to deal with the pain of it all.
2 more days until I head to Ohio to meet Lily. I am actually looking forward to the trip. I cant wait to meet her, and to spend time with Skyler. He is such a great little kid. I miss them and I really hate that they live so far away. In the last 2 years it has been me, or Phil and I going out there to see them. I hope they will come visit here this summer so the kids can seem them. Time goes by so quickly. The girls are growing up so fast and havent seen Skyler in about 2 years now.
Well I will update on my trip to Ohio when I return and I am sure I will have plenty of pictures to share.
It has been Three months, three weeks, 17 hours, 50 minutes and 52 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1328 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $275.65. Life saved: 4 days, 14 hours, 40 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
When you are pregnant each week takes an eternity to come. Each milestone seems like forever away. You creep up through the trimesters holding in your heart so much hope for a perfect ending. I didnt get the happy ending, instead I got what seems like just yesterdays pain, 20 weeks later.
I wonder why the things in life that are so good, and fun, and make you the happiest, are the hardest to remember the little details of. Yet, when you loose a baby, you can retrace every second of that situation.
I didnt think that time was going to cause so much heartache for me. I didnt think things were going to slap me in the face. I miss my boy. Im sad that he had to go. I am sad that I will never get to see him again. That I will not get to experience life with him. Take him to his first day of kindergarden. To help him learn to tie his shoes, write his name, fall in love.
I know in my heart of hearts that I will have all of these things with another child. I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that I will hear the words, I love you mommy. I just dont wish I could hear then and feel them now. In just about a week or so I would be holding my child in my arms, I would be hearing his first cry, I would changing his poopy diapers. Instead I am left with a whole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. I feel the pain a person would feel if they were to fall on their face.
I have repeated the same question to myself over and over and have no answer, WHY! I probably will never have an answer. But I tend to think that everything in life happens for a reason and Michael was taken from me to make way for something else in my life. To help me make the changes that I needed to make. And who knows, maybe to bring another baby into my arms. I just wish I didnt have to deal with the pain of it all.
2 more days until I head to Ohio to meet Lily. I am actually looking forward to the trip. I cant wait to meet her, and to spend time with Skyler. He is such a great little kid. I miss them and I really hate that they live so far away. In the last 2 years it has been me, or Phil and I going out there to see them. I hope they will come visit here this summer so the kids can seem them. Time goes by so quickly. The girls are growing up so fast and havent seen Skyler in about 2 years now.
Well I will update on my trip to Ohio when I return and I am sure I will have plenty of pictures to share.
It has been Three months, three weeks, 17 hours, 50 minutes and 52 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1328 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $275.65. Life saved: 4 days, 14 hours, 40 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
Friday, May 20, 2005
Just Thinking!!!
Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me
That you'll always feel this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
When you tell me that you love me
Know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore
It's hard for me
With my heart still on the mend
What if I was good to you
What if you were good to me
What if I could hold you 'Til I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise
What if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to
Find some way to stand beside you
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me
That you'll always feel this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
When you tell me that you love me
Know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore
It's hard for me
With my heart still on the mend
What if I was good to you
What if you were good to me
What if I could hold you 'Til I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise
What if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to
Find some way to stand beside you
Lay Me Down.....
our love is like water
pinned down and abused
for being strange
our love is no other
than me alone
for me all day
our love is like water
pinned down and abused
hey hey hey
all over you, all over me
the sun, the fields, the sky
I've often tried to hold the sea
the sun, the fields, the tide
lay me now, lay me down
our love is like water
pinned down and abused
for being strange
our love is no other
than me alone
for me all day
our love is like angels
pinned down and abused
hey hey hey
~Live~
pinned down and abused
for being strange
our love is no other
than me alone
for me all day
our love is like water
pinned down and abused
hey hey hey
all over you, all over me
the sun, the fields, the sky
I've often tried to hold the sea
the sun, the fields, the tide
lay me now, lay me down
our love is like water
pinned down and abused
for being strange
our love is no other
than me alone
for me all day
our love is like angels
pinned down and abused
hey hey hey
~Live~
Thursday, May 19, 2005
She is who she is
I was doing some thinking last night about my mother and how our relationship has gone downhill in the last 2 or 3 years. My mother has an issue about not being in control of every aspect of everyone around her's life. When I finally asked her to get her own place 3 years ago, she felt as though I tore off her right arm. She has to be in control or around everything that is going on, so she can add her two cents.
The first time I got pregnant, I remember feeling so anxious to tell her. She only had my brother and I, and with him living in Ohio, I thought she would be so excited to be having a grandchild close by her. WRONG!! The first words out of her mouth were "Are you fucking kidding me, you aren't even married" For the rest of my life I will remember that day. The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time is also the day my mother hurt my feelings. I immediately hung up on her, thinking what an inconsiderate bitch. She had nerve since she had my brother out of wedlock with a guy she wasn't all that serious with. Unfortunately for my brother he grew up not knowing his dad. At the time Phil and I had been together for 4 1/2 years. We were committed to spending the rest of our lives together,no piece of paper was going to change that. I guess that wasnt good enough for her.
Although shortly after she tried to cover up her comments with some other bullshit, I always remained upset with her for saying that. 3 Short weeks later I found out I lost that baby.
When I got pregnant with Michael, I remember not wanting to tell her at all. Everyone convinced me to tell her. She didnt have a reaction this time. "That's good" was the basics of it. As the pregnancy went on, she actually seemed to start to get excited about it, slightly. Traci and I were both due at the same time, so she was proud to tell people that she was going to have two grandbabies in 2005. When the night came that my water broke, My mother was not the first person I thought to call for support. I called my Aunt Cathy at 5:30am after being in the hospital for 2 hours. I waited until around 7:30 to call my mother and I am glad I did. Same reaction as when I told her I was pregant, Oh really, wow.
The doctors talked to me about having a Peri come see me, and all I could think is I do not want my mother here when he comes. I just want my Aunt. She was offended when I told her not to come that night, and she hasnt gotten over it yet.
Thats how my mother is, she holds onto everything. Until the day she dies she will hold a grudge against anyone for anything they may have done to her. I hope I am never like that.
I tend to get upset with people for a few hours and then it sorta just rolls off my back and I am done with it. My mother and I are very different. I dont have an issue telling someone exactly how I feel. I like people to know what I am thinking, or that I am hurt. I like to point blame to the person at the time something happens and move on from it. I can't imagine holding a grudge over someone for years.
My mother also likes people to think that she is being left out. She will know something and totally act as though she is finding out for the first time. Take the situation with me flying to Ohio. She asked me right after Lily was born when I planned on going out. I told I didnt know when I was going to go, that I didnt have anything scheduled. When I decided to fly out, I didnt call her, frankly, I talk to her every 6 weeks or so, I didnt feel the need to call her. When my brother talked to her on Sunday night he told her I was flying out on the 25th, yet when she called me Monday evening, she acted as though she didnt know.
These are the little things that piss me off about my mother. I have told her several times that I dont have room in my life for her games yet she continues to try and play them. She is jealous of my relationship with Aunt Cathy, she gets annoyed that Danny and I get along so well, She has expressed her disgust at my choice of a life mate, although until she moved out on her own, she didnt mind being supported by him. Its all these things rolled into one that have caused me to dislike my mother so much.
I wonder if it will ever change.. :shrug:
The first time I got pregnant, I remember feeling so anxious to tell her. She only had my brother and I, and with him living in Ohio, I thought she would be so excited to be having a grandchild close by her. WRONG!! The first words out of her mouth were "Are you fucking kidding me, you aren't even married" For the rest of my life I will remember that day. The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time is also the day my mother hurt my feelings. I immediately hung up on her, thinking what an inconsiderate bitch. She had nerve since she had my brother out of wedlock with a guy she wasn't all that serious with. Unfortunately for my brother he grew up not knowing his dad. At the time Phil and I had been together for 4 1/2 years. We were committed to spending the rest of our lives together,no piece of paper was going to change that. I guess that wasnt good enough for her.
Although shortly after she tried to cover up her comments with some other bullshit, I always remained upset with her for saying that. 3 Short weeks later I found out I lost that baby.
When I got pregnant with Michael, I remember not wanting to tell her at all. Everyone convinced me to tell her. She didnt have a reaction this time. "That's good" was the basics of it. As the pregnancy went on, she actually seemed to start to get excited about it, slightly. Traci and I were both due at the same time, so she was proud to tell people that she was going to have two grandbabies in 2005. When the night came that my water broke, My mother was not the first person I thought to call for support. I called my Aunt Cathy at 5:30am after being in the hospital for 2 hours. I waited until around 7:30 to call my mother and I am glad I did. Same reaction as when I told her I was pregant, Oh really, wow.
The doctors talked to me about having a Peri come see me, and all I could think is I do not want my mother here when he comes. I just want my Aunt. She was offended when I told her not to come that night, and she hasnt gotten over it yet.
Thats how my mother is, she holds onto everything. Until the day she dies she will hold a grudge against anyone for anything they may have done to her. I hope I am never like that.
I tend to get upset with people for a few hours and then it sorta just rolls off my back and I am done with it. My mother and I are very different. I dont have an issue telling someone exactly how I feel. I like people to know what I am thinking, or that I am hurt. I like to point blame to the person at the time something happens and move on from it. I can't imagine holding a grudge over someone for years.
My mother also likes people to think that she is being left out. She will know something and totally act as though she is finding out for the first time. Take the situation with me flying to Ohio. She asked me right after Lily was born when I planned on going out. I told I didnt know when I was going to go, that I didnt have anything scheduled. When I decided to fly out, I didnt call her, frankly, I talk to her every 6 weeks or so, I didnt feel the need to call her. When my brother talked to her on Sunday night he told her I was flying out on the 25th, yet when she called me Monday evening, she acted as though she didnt know.
These are the little things that piss me off about my mother. I have told her several times that I dont have room in my life for her games yet she continues to try and play them. She is jealous of my relationship with Aunt Cathy, she gets annoyed that Danny and I get along so well, She has expressed her disgust at my choice of a life mate, although until she moved out on her own, she didnt mind being supported by him. Its all these things rolled into one that have caused me to dislike my mother so much.
I wonder if it will ever change.. :shrug:
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Sad Face
=(
The sad face is because no one ever posts a comment to anything I have to say. I know you are reading the posts, doesn't anyone ever have anything to say? LOL
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Smoking
I cant imagine that I finally conquered the smoking issue.
It has been Three months, one week, two days, 10 hours, 48 minutes and 36 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1181 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $245.04. Life saved: 4 days, 2 hours, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
How long does it take for one to become a non-smoker?
Its really hard to explain to people, but I am really proud of myself. I smoked for such a long time. It took alot to quit smoking, well to get me to quit that is. It was actually much easier to do then I thought it was going to be.
Phil quit 5 days after I did.
What a great feeling!!!!
It has been Three months, one week, two days, 10 hours, 48 minutes and 36 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1181 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $245.04. Life saved: 4 days, 2 hours, 25 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
How long does it take for one to become a non-smoker?
Its really hard to explain to people, but I am really proud of myself. I smoked for such a long time. It took alot to quit smoking, well to get me to quit that is. It was actually much easier to do then I thought it was going to be.
Phil quit 5 days after I did.
What a great feeling!!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Mothers Day 05'
Are you a mother, my answer Yes when asked that day. It was all around me. Everywhere we went. Carnations. I planned our little getaway this weekend for two reasons. First it was Phil's birthday weekend. I had wanted to do a little party, but it just wasnt in the cards. Second, I didnt want to be around anyone for Mother's day except Phil. Phil of course is the only person in my home life to acknowledge me as a mother. Aunt Cathy I guess has different views on what it means to be a mother. In the physical right now , no I do not have a child. In my heart, I will always have my first son, whom I labored and gave birth to. If a woman gives birth at term to a baby who lives for only a short 5 mins, is she not a mother? Or how about a woman who looses her child at 6 yrs old, and has no other living children, is she no longer someones mother.
I am heartbroken at the reactions of my family, My mother not so much, I dont care to worry about her feelings anymore. But my brother and sil, or my aunt the girls, I expected more from them. I guess its better not to expect from people, and only do for yourself. Phil got me a lovely mother's day card. Although my eyes welled with tears, I was happy that he acknowledged it. I bought myself a mother's day card, and wrote a letter in there to myself. Urging myself, and congradulating myself for making it through this very hard time. I put it in Michaels baby book with the letters I have written to him.
I guess all and all I was just looking for the people who are in my life to stop living in denial and starting accepting the fact that I gave birth to a little boy. A little boy who did not have a chance at life, whom I did not get to hear coo, whom I will never get to see grow up. The fact still remains I am his mother. I just wish everyone else would open there eyes.
This particular mother's day will mean alot to some of the girls on the forum (hi girls). Misty had her triplet girls on Friday. All were born at nice weights. I am sure it wont be long until she can bring them all home. I have read alot of posts from the women on the PIL forum, posts of hope. There are alot who have been through the same or worse then I have and have come out with miracles in their arms after trying again. Those woman for the rest of their lives will never take for granted what they have been given by having their babies. They deserve the very best for Mother's Day for all they did to make their precious little ones, and do to keep them happy and healthy.
I think alot about the women who are like me. I tend to think of us, as the Mother's of the wanted, but lost. We are mother's who cradled our belly's, rubbed our tummy's, sang to our baby's while driving down the highway, put head phones around our bulges, who dreamed BIG, and looked forward to the little things. We are the ones who in the end had to say goodbye to our little ones, some of us before they took a breath. We are the ones guarded by our Angels.
There are a big bunch who are in different phases of becoming a mommy. Some a few short weeks, others in the home stretch. Doing everything in their power to secure their little one, and preparing to hear "Mommy, I love you".
To all my forum friends, which is what I consider most, I hope you had a wonderful mother's day, all and all. Whether your child(ren) are near or far, they were with you on Mother's Day, if only in your heart.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU
I have a whole bunch of things running through my mind, and I feel the need to just keep writing. I guess that is a good way to clear my head before bed.
I am heartbroken at the reactions of my family, My mother not so much, I dont care to worry about her feelings anymore. But my brother and sil, or my aunt the girls, I expected more from them. I guess its better not to expect from people, and only do for yourself. Phil got me a lovely mother's day card. Although my eyes welled with tears, I was happy that he acknowledged it. I bought myself a mother's day card, and wrote a letter in there to myself. Urging myself, and congradulating myself for making it through this very hard time. I put it in Michaels baby book with the letters I have written to him.
I guess all and all I was just looking for the people who are in my life to stop living in denial and starting accepting the fact that I gave birth to a little boy. A little boy who did not have a chance at life, whom I did not get to hear coo, whom I will never get to see grow up. The fact still remains I am his mother. I just wish everyone else would open there eyes.
This particular mother's day will mean alot to some of the girls on the forum (hi girls). Misty had her triplet girls on Friday. All were born at nice weights. I am sure it wont be long until she can bring them all home. I have read alot of posts from the women on the PIL forum, posts of hope. There are alot who have been through the same or worse then I have and have come out with miracles in their arms after trying again. Those woman for the rest of their lives will never take for granted what they have been given by having their babies. They deserve the very best for Mother's Day for all they did to make their precious little ones, and do to keep them happy and healthy.
I think alot about the women who are like me. I tend to think of us, as the Mother's of the wanted, but lost. We are mother's who cradled our belly's, rubbed our tummy's, sang to our baby's while driving down the highway, put head phones around our bulges, who dreamed BIG, and looked forward to the little things. We are the ones who in the end had to say goodbye to our little ones, some of us before they took a breath. We are the ones guarded by our Angels.
There are a big bunch who are in different phases of becoming a mommy. Some a few short weeks, others in the home stretch. Doing everything in their power to secure their little one, and preparing to hear "Mommy, I love you".
To all my forum friends, which is what I consider most, I hope you had a wonderful mother's day, all and all. Whether your child(ren) are near or far, they were with you on Mother's Day, if only in your heart.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU
I have a whole bunch of things running through my mind, and I feel the need to just keep writing. I guess that is a good way to clear my head before bed.
Our Vacation,What we looked forward to for weeks, What we needed for months,What we will do again SOON.
Our Journey started on Friday while visiting the downtown area of Seneca Falls. It was a quaint little town, with very friendly people. We visited a few local museums about local history. The visitors center provided us with a map of great things to see and do. We grabbed a quick light breakfast in a little town diner. We headed to the the site of the first Woman's Rights Convention was held in 1848.
Here is the remains of the Church on the corner of the Convention.
Below is the memorial wall that stands next to the building that houses the museum. Enscripted on this wall is very powerful stuff. I enjoyed reading it.It is called the Declaration of Sentiments.
Here is a picture of Phil walking along the water in Seneca Falls. There is a foot path along the waters edge, where you can sit and watch the boats in the summer. Its very nice. I would love to go back when the weather is nicer and the lake is filled with boats.
Phil and I visited many winery's in our journey to Upstate, NY. We visited the Fingerlakes , there was an abundance of winery's with a great variety of types of wines. Myself I am a sweet wine, fruity type of girl. I do not like dry wines. I do not like red wine at all really. Phil enjoys a dryer wine. Strong and to the point. One of the winery's that we really enjoyed was Swedish Hill. There we were able to find many wines we both enjoyed.
The Belhurst Castle and Winery was another stop in our journey. The Castle was beautiful, and the views were amazing. We sat down and had a cup of tea for me, coffee for Phil and a little afternoon snack. The bill $22.00. It was expensive in my eyes, but well worth it. We really enjoyed talking and sitting there staring at the sunset.
I did a little photo editing to add the name. =)Here is that terrific view
Below is a lone flower I noticed when parking the car. Everywhere else on the property was a wonderful spread of flower, but around this one patch, only this one grew. There was plenty of greenery, but not bulbs on them. It reminded me of Michael when I saw it, I decided to grab a picture.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
lackadaisical
8th grade, I do remember it well, but what I do not remember is my vocabulary. After school I was studying with Tayler, gearing up for the end of the year. 8th grade graduation, soon to come. Vocabulary was always fun for me, now, just logical. For her; crying. Unfortunate bad student with good grades. Creature of habit. Dont change up the order of the definition or she is lost.
We went through all words as they would relate to us, our life, lackadaisical she is asked, is like Michael. I was caught off guard, Why I asked. Because he was lacking life when he was born. This prompted her to ask questions, the day I both dreaded and hoped for. I dont want them to have unanswered questions. She said she often relates her vocabulary words to things that are going on in her life. 20 new words a week, must be great to be young.
I am sitting here thinking of how I can make my life better. What can I do to better myself as a human being. I dont think there is anything wrong with me but bettering oneself can't hurt either. I have in my life given my share of gratuitous deeds. Donations to the food bank, money, time. I tutored 3rd graders when I lived in New Jersey. Very gratifying. I may consider this for next school year. The kids are growing up, they do not demand so much of me. Jaclyn will start 11th grade in August, Tayler 9th, Lauryn 4th. Lauryn is turning out more and more like Tayler. Wanting the easy way out of things, crying in class for a bathroom pass away from assignments. Hopefully she will grow out of it sooner then later.
Tomorrow vacation, time for relaxation, romance, lust, warmth, just like any other day, just no dishes, no laundry, and lots of cuddling.
Gonna be fun, time to go shave my legs.. LOL
5-5-70 my hunnie turns 35 tomorrow. Old man!
We went through all words as they would relate to us, our life, lackadaisical she is asked, is like Michael. I was caught off guard, Why I asked. Because he was lacking life when he was born. This prompted her to ask questions, the day I both dreaded and hoped for. I dont want them to have unanswered questions. She said she often relates her vocabulary words to things that are going on in her life. 20 new words a week, must be great to be young.
I am sitting here thinking of how I can make my life better. What can I do to better myself as a human being. I dont think there is anything wrong with me but bettering oneself can't hurt either. I have in my life given my share of gratuitous deeds. Donations to the food bank, money, time. I tutored 3rd graders when I lived in New Jersey. Very gratifying. I may consider this for next school year. The kids are growing up, they do not demand so much of me. Jaclyn will start 11th grade in August, Tayler 9th, Lauryn 4th. Lauryn is turning out more and more like Tayler. Wanting the easy way out of things, crying in class for a bathroom pass away from assignments. Hopefully she will grow out of it sooner then later.
Tomorrow vacation, time for relaxation, romance, lust, warmth, just like any other day, just no dishes, no laundry, and lots of cuddling.
Gonna be fun, time to go shave my legs.. LOL
5-5-70 my hunnie turns 35 tomorrow. Old man!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The Number 18
The number 18 represents so much in life. 18 months old, for most is a significant time, walking, talking, independant. 18 years old, same thing on a different level. For me 18 sucks, plain and simple.
On Mother's Day, May 8th. It will be 18 weeks since the fate of my son was sealed. At 18 weeks his predestined path in life started its first steps in the journey to my heartbreak. It is hard to imagine that it was 18 weeks ago, it seems like yesterday morning. I would be a bulging bundle of baby right now, only 4 weeks to go. Hard to picture myself that way.
All in all , I hope that for whatever reason he was taken from me, he is fullfilling his predestined path in the manner in which it was meant to be.
When I was 18, my path in life was heading down the road of abuse. I didn't know it then. Im guessing 18 is just a number for me. NO place for it in my life.
18th- Aunt Cathy's doomed marraige
18th- my mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (she survived)
Danny born- 17th, his son 19th, his daughter 16th, his wife 22nd. He's lucky, no 18th's.
My dad, June 18th- a life of drugs, and drinking too him at 42, dont know the date but Im sure it was the 18th (or meant to be)
Its very bizarre to have to much go wrong on 1 number.
Speaking of bizarre, the conversation of my losses came up the other day. 1 day before my first loss, I was at my MIL's house, 1 day before the start of my last loss, she was at my house. FATE??? We discussed how in the future I cant take any chances. It's horrible to say, but its just strange.
Vacation, just a meer 2 days away. I am more excited then words can say. I will take plenty of pictures to share!
On Mother's Day, May 8th. It will be 18 weeks since the fate of my son was sealed. At 18 weeks his predestined path in life started its first steps in the journey to my heartbreak. It is hard to imagine that it was 18 weeks ago, it seems like yesterday morning. I would be a bulging bundle of baby right now, only 4 weeks to go. Hard to picture myself that way.
All in all , I hope that for whatever reason he was taken from me, he is fullfilling his predestined path in the manner in which it was meant to be.
When I was 18, my path in life was heading down the road of abuse. I didn't know it then. Im guessing 18 is just a number for me. NO place for it in my life.
18th- Aunt Cathy's doomed marraige
18th- my mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (she survived)
Danny born- 17th, his son 19th, his daughter 16th, his wife 22nd. He's lucky, no 18th's.
My dad, June 18th- a life of drugs, and drinking too him at 42, dont know the date but Im sure it was the 18th (or meant to be)
Its very bizarre to have to much go wrong on 1 number.
Speaking of bizarre, the conversation of my losses came up the other day. 1 day before my first loss, I was at my MIL's house, 1 day before the start of my last loss, she was at my house. FATE??? We discussed how in the future I cant take any chances. It's horrible to say, but its just strange.
Vacation, just a meer 2 days away. I am more excited then words can say. I will take plenty of pictures to share!
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