Are you a mother, my answer Yes when asked that day. It was all around me. Everywhere we went. Carnations. I planned our little getaway this weekend for two reasons. First it was Phil's birthday weekend. I had wanted to do a little party, but it just wasnt in the cards. Second, I didnt want to be around anyone for Mother's day except Phil. Phil of course is the only person in my home life to acknowledge me as a mother. Aunt Cathy I guess has different views on what it means to be a mother. In the physical right now , no I do not have a child. In my heart, I will always have my first son, whom I labored and gave birth to. If a woman gives birth at term to a baby who lives for only a short 5 mins, is she not a mother? Or how about a woman who looses her child at 6 yrs old, and has no other living children, is she no longer someones mother.
I am heartbroken at the reactions of my family, My mother not so much, I dont care to worry about her feelings anymore. But my brother and sil, or my aunt the girls, I expected more from them. I guess its better not to expect from people, and only do for yourself. Phil got me a lovely mother's day card. Although my eyes welled with tears, I was happy that he acknowledged it. I bought myself a mother's day card, and wrote a letter in there to myself. Urging myself, and congradulating myself for making it through this very hard time. I put it in Michaels baby book with the letters I have written to him.
I guess all and all I was just looking for the people who are in my life to stop living in denial and starting accepting the fact that I gave birth to a little boy. A little boy who did not have a chance at life, whom I did not get to hear coo, whom I will never get to see grow up. The fact still remains I am his mother. I just wish everyone else would open there eyes.
This particular mother's day will mean alot to some of the girls on the forum (hi girls). Misty had her triplet girls on Friday. All were born at nice weights. I am sure it wont be long until she can bring them all home. I have read alot of posts from the women on the PIL forum, posts of hope. There are alot who have been through the same or worse then I have and have come out with miracles in their arms after trying again. Those woman for the rest of their lives will never take for granted what they have been given by having their babies. They deserve the very best for Mother's Day for all they did to make their precious little ones, and do to keep them happy and healthy.
I think alot about the women who are like me. I tend to think of us, as the Mother's of the wanted, but lost. We are mother's who cradled our belly's, rubbed our tummy's, sang to our baby's while driving down the highway, put head phones around our bulges, who dreamed BIG, and looked forward to the little things. We are the ones who in the end had to say goodbye to our little ones, some of us before they took a breath. We are the ones guarded by our Angels.
There are a big bunch who are in different phases of becoming a mommy. Some a few short weeks, others in the home stretch. Doing everything in their power to secure their little one, and preparing to hear "Mommy, I love you".
To all my forum friends, which is what I consider most, I hope you had a wonderful mother's day, all and all. Whether your child(ren) are near or far, they were with you on Mother's Day, if only in your heart.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU
I have a whole bunch of things running through my mind, and I feel the need to just keep writing. I guess that is a good way to clear my head before bed.
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