I was doing some thinking last night about my mother and how our relationship has gone downhill in the last 2 or 3 years. My mother has an issue about not being in control of every aspect of everyone around her's life. When I finally asked her to get her own place 3 years ago, she felt as though I tore off her right arm. She has to be in control or around everything that is going on, so she can add her two cents.
The first time I got pregnant, I remember feeling so anxious to tell her. She only had my brother and I, and with him living in Ohio, I thought she would be so excited to be having a grandchild close by her. WRONG!! The first words out of her mouth were "Are you fucking kidding me, you aren't even married" For the rest of my life I will remember that day. The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time is also the day my mother hurt my feelings. I immediately hung up on her, thinking what an inconsiderate bitch. She had nerve since she had my brother out of wedlock with a guy she wasn't all that serious with. Unfortunately for my brother he grew up not knowing his dad. At the time Phil and I had been together for 4 1/2 years. We were committed to spending the rest of our lives together,no piece of paper was going to change that. I guess that wasnt good enough for her.
Although shortly after she tried to cover up her comments with some other bullshit, I always remained upset with her for saying that. 3 Short weeks later I found out I lost that baby.
When I got pregnant with Michael, I remember not wanting to tell her at all. Everyone convinced me to tell her. She didnt have a reaction this time. "That's good" was the basics of it. As the pregnancy went on, she actually seemed to start to get excited about it, slightly. Traci and I were both due at the same time, so she was proud to tell people that she was going to have two grandbabies in 2005. When the night came that my water broke, My mother was not the first person I thought to call for support. I called my Aunt Cathy at 5:30am after being in the hospital for 2 hours. I waited until around 7:30 to call my mother and I am glad I did. Same reaction as when I told her I was pregant, Oh really, wow.
The doctors talked to me about having a Peri come see me, and all I could think is I do not want my mother here when he comes. I just want my Aunt. She was offended when I told her not to come that night, and she hasnt gotten over it yet.
Thats how my mother is, she holds onto everything. Until the day she dies she will hold a grudge against anyone for anything they may have done to her. I hope I am never like that.
I tend to get upset with people for a few hours and then it sorta just rolls off my back and I am done with it. My mother and I are very different. I dont have an issue telling someone exactly how I feel. I like people to know what I am thinking, or that I am hurt. I like to point blame to the person at the time something happens and move on from it. I can't imagine holding a grudge over someone for years.
My mother also likes people to think that she is being left out. She will know something and totally act as though she is finding out for the first time. Take the situation with me flying to Ohio. She asked me right after Lily was born when I planned on going out. I told I didnt know when I was going to go, that I didnt have anything scheduled. When I decided to fly out, I didnt call her, frankly, I talk to her every 6 weeks or so, I didnt feel the need to call her. When my brother talked to her on Sunday night he told her I was flying out on the 25th, yet when she called me Monday evening, she acted as though she didnt know.
These are the little things that piss me off about my mother. I have told her several times that I dont have room in my life for her games yet she continues to try and play them. She is jealous of my relationship with Aunt Cathy, she gets annoyed that Danny and I get along so well, She has expressed her disgust at my choice of a life mate, although until she moved out on her own, she didnt mind being supported by him. Its all these things rolled into one that have caused me to dislike my mother so much.
I wonder if it will ever change.. :shrug:
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