I feel like I was traveling down the highway doing 90 miles and hour and I hit a deer. I knew the time would come, I just didnt think it was going to hit me so quickly. Who would have thought that June 1st would come so quickly.
When you are pregnant each week takes an eternity to come. Each milestone seems like forever away. You creep up through the trimesters holding in your heart so much hope for a perfect ending. I didnt get the happy ending, instead I got what seems like just yesterdays pain, 20 weeks later.
I wonder why the things in life that are so good, and fun, and make you the happiest, are the hardest to remember the little details of. Yet, when you loose a baby, you can retrace every second of that situation.
I didnt think that time was going to cause so much heartache for me. I didnt think things were going to slap me in the face. I miss my boy. Im sad that he had to go. I am sad that I will never get to see him again. That I will not get to experience life with him. Take him to his first day of kindergarden. To help him learn to tie his shoes, write his name, fall in love.
I know in my heart of hearts that I will have all of these things with another child. I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that I will hear the words, I love you mommy. I just dont wish I could hear then and feel them now. In just about a week or so I would be holding my child in my arms, I would be hearing his first cry, I would changing his poopy diapers. Instead I am left with a whole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. I feel the pain a person would feel if they were to fall on their face.
I have repeated the same question to myself over and over and have no answer, WHY! I probably will never have an answer. But I tend to think that everything in life happens for a reason and Michael was taken from me to make way for something else in my life. To help me make the changes that I needed to make. And who knows, maybe to bring another baby into my arms. I just wish I didnt have to deal with the pain of it all.
2 more days until I head to Ohio to meet Lily. I am actually looking forward to the trip. I cant wait to meet her, and to spend time with Skyler. He is such a great little kid. I miss them and I really hate that they live so far away. In the last 2 years it has been me, or Phil and I going out there to see them. I hope they will come visit here this summer so the kids can seem them. Time goes by so quickly. The girls are growing up so fast and havent seen Skyler in about 2 years now.
Well I will update on my trip to Ohio when I return and I am sure I will have plenty of pictures to share.
It has been Three months, three weeks, 17 hours, 50 minutes and 52 seconds since I quit smoking!!. 1328 cigarettes that I did not smoke, saving $275.65. Life saved: 4 days, 14 hours, 40 minutes. I am so PROUD of myself!!!!!
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