Lessons: 3, and 4

This post is going to be a little different, as I am having a hard time relating to Lessons 3 & 4.


Lesson 3: You Become What You Believe


This lesson was for me all about becoming your authentic self.  Looking back a few years I really had no clue who I was, and was my purpose was.  As I grew and evolved and identified with my life, I came to really understand who I am as a person.  Now don't get me wrong, there is  still alot out there for me to learn, but I am getting there.  There was a point in my life a few years back, that everyday I would wake up and look in the mirror and think, I am fat or  I am ugly.  Every negative thought I filled my head with led me to believe more and more that, that was I was.  I read an article a few years ago that talked about self doubt, and overcoming what you believe yourself to be.  It really turned me around, and I learned to embrace myself for who I am.  Now, truth be told, I am overweight, its a battle I have been fighting my whole life.  But I am working on it, and it certainly does not define me.  I don't necessarily like being overweight, and the pro's to losing weight definitely defeat the cons, but like everything else it takes time.  I am on the right path again, with a totally different mindset then I have ever had in my life, so success if in the future.


So basically this lesson was a little tricky for me, because I already feel like I am who I believe myself to be.  I just need to continue to follow the actions to be my true authentic self.  I have been keeping a journal with more detailed things on these lessons for myself, and although I didn't find myself very interested in this lesson, I filled 4 pages in my journal on that night.  


Lesson 4: The Truth Will Set You Free


The title of the lesson is pretty much self explanatory.  I sat with this last night, meditated on it this morning, and thought more about it this evening.  I was trying to find some un-truth I have been hiding.  What am I not admitting to myself or others that is holding me back?  What kept coming to me was denial.  I often find myself denying things to myself, as if to say, if I don't accept it, its not happening.  I don't really have any big secret that I am keeping that will make me free to be who I am.  So the only thing I really got out of this was to be more aware of denying my truths as a way of ignoring what is really going on.


So all and all, I may not have found these lessons to be huge aHa moments, they did provoke thinking and a few realizations.  I guess that makes lesson learned.

Lesson 2 - Letting Go of Anger

So let me start off by saying WOW!  This topic could not have come at a better time.  The universe really came through in giving me the message I needed, for that I am grateful.  


"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah


No words have ever rang truer to me then those at this moment. 


Before the "class" began I was thinking about what angers I had to let go of?  What have I been holding onto?  


My initial thought was the destruction of the relationship I had with my mother.  Now I wont bore you with the details of the situation, and at this point I don't even know if I can recall them all. But I will say that words are as lethal a weapon as a knife or a gun.  The words you speak to someone can have a direct impact on how a person feels and perceives themselves.  I don't hold anger toward my mother for the things she said, I came to terms with those words long ago.  Tonight I realized though that I was holding onto the anger of wishing things would have been different.  I now accept that they are not, and will move on knowing that I forgive.


I always say, no regrets, only life lessons, but if I am being honest with myself, that is not always the truth.  I do regret not allowing myself to let go fully and take the lesson that I had learned and move on.


The other thing I realized that I have been holding onto is the loss of my son.  I realized tonight that I have been allowing the feelings I have about his loss to define who I am and what my life is.  I have held back on being who I really want to be, my authentic self, because the guilt I have over his passing.  Although it has been almost 7 years since he passed, I don't quite think I have ever really forgiven myself.  For what I really don't know, because the bottom line is, it wasn't my fault.  Maybe I have never accepted that it had happened, and there is nothing I could have done to change it.  I do know I can't continue to allow this situation to define who I am, and who I want to be.  


Oprah posed the question tonight, What's holding you back right now? My answer was this, What's holding me back is the fear of allowing myself to truly be happy after the loss of my son. Tonight I let it go.


So I identify the hurt, accept that I can no longer hold onto anger for things that have happened in the past, and realize that I can not hold onto the hope that things would have been any different.  I decide to give up the anger. I choose to forgive myself for allowing the things I can not control to directly impact who I am as a person.

Tonight, I feel free...

Oprah's lifeclass day 1 - ego

I wasn't really sure what to think of this whole Oprah life-class thing... I enjoy Oprah for the most part, so I signed up to give it a shot. A few minutes in and I was hooked. The wheels in my head started turning and I really started to put the things she was saying into perspective in my own life.  I took notes, wrote down quotes, put my feelings in writing.  It felt good.


Oprah stated that no thing, no job, no possession matters in defining who you are.  I had to pause the TV and really sit and think about this for a few minutes and it hit me. I had a million reasons for giving up my job at [that place] at the time.  Then tonight I started thinking about how working at [that place] was defining me.  I may not have realized it at the time to the fullest but deep down there were much bigger reasons for letting it go.  At the time it was mostly about how I was being treated, how unappreciated I was, how much time it took away from my family.  These are all true, but only after really thinking about it tonight do I realize just how important they are.  I allowed my ego to make my decisions and define my self worth.  I allowed my responsibility to a company who viewed me as expendable to overshadow the much more important things in my life.  The things that make me happy.  I pushed them aside, and the instances that I did bring them in the picture, I am not sure I was fully present.  


I defined myself on the vision those I worked with had of me. I always took on the role as the fearless leader who would make everything OK, and who always took everyone's feelings into consideration.  I made decisions based on the best interests of everyone except for myself.  I created an identity based on this false sense of self and evolved it.  Its only now, 5 months later that I realize the damage I caused to myself during that time.  The expectations that I set for myself based on every ones perception of me, was at times way more then I should have handled. It only offered me a false sense of achievement.


Oprah posed the question, where is your ego getting in the way, my response is simple.


My ego gets in the way when I am not being my authentic self for fear of how others will perceive me.




I intend on participating in all 25 life class sessions in the next 5 weeks, I will probably use this platform to discuss them, and connect them to myself.  I'm pretty sure I will learn a thing or two about myself.


10/11 - Lesson 2: Letting Go of Anger - I'm really looking forward to this one.

 meditation music

The Meditation Room

i stumbled on this website a few weeks ago.  its a great place for anyone who is beginning out with mediation, or just needs something different.

The love I feel for my husband....

37 years ago today the world was forever changed

To Me!!!!

A few interesting facts about July 12, 1974

I was born on a friday.

I have been alive for 13,515 days, which includes 9 leap years.

I have lived through 7 US Presidents.

Bill Cosby, Richard Simmons, and Cheryl Ladd all share my birthday.

The NY Mets played at Dodgers Stadium and won!

Bruce Springstein performed at the Bottom Line Cabaret in NYC.

Random facts about 1974

Volkswagen first introduced the Golf in 1974.

Chinatown was the #1 movie in 1974.

Billboards #1 song for 1974 was "The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand.

The 55 mph speed limit was enforced to preserve gas usage

Sears Tower in Chicage became the worlds tallest building

The average cost of a new home was $34,000

Gas was .55C per gallon

The average cost of a new car was $3,750

Work begins on the 800 mile long Alaska Oil pipeline

I Promise Myself




To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Christian D. Larson

Over a year

Ack! I havent posted anything here in a while... Stay tuned, I will start again =)

it's not always sunshine and roses

it's written all over my face
disappointment
hurt
anger


i cant find the words to say how i feel
instead i bottle it all up and wait for the moment
the one moment that will feel right to let it out

so for now
i will live amongst a school of smiles

quotes

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."


- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."


- Ursula Le Guin

 

"You need to be aware of what others are doing, applaud their efforts, acknowledge their successes, and encourage them in their pursuits. When we all help one another, everybody wins."


- Jim Stovall

 

"You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself."


- Harry Firestone

new leaf, new life

i swear life throws you curve balls to see how you will react...
i am mentally and physically exhausted all the time
trying to do the best i can for everyone
and im almost always failing someone at one time or another
i cant be everything everyone wants me to be
its slowing burning a hole in me
im trying for him, her, them, us
it doesnt seem to have been noticed
the only person i dont seem to be trying for is myself

again, im starting over
im sure some will fall to the wayside
in order for me to be all that i am
i have to make me a priority
and that includes all that make me who i am

there are 168 hours in a week
i need to divide them evenly
as to not leave anyone behind
including myself

i have a plan, i wrote it out
i have to make it happen
i will make it happen


4/26/10 -

today i

- read a magazine from cover to cover while listening to music
- i made dinner for my husband
- i grocery shopped (and am proud to say 80% of my cart was fresh fruits and veggies)
- i worked out for 45 mins
- i cleaned up my mountain of papers, mail, and magazines
- i bought myself roses
- i meditated for 1 hr 15 mins
- i wrote a letter that i don't ever intend on sending, freeing non the less

today is a fresh start for me
im taking back my life

" Quiet your mind so that inspirations may rise from its depths" Unknown

have you ever felt like you were just being pulled in all directions?  that is precisely how i have been feeling lately...  i feel a little stressed out and the fact that i am not doing the things i need to be doing for myself are causing me even more stress....

it has been a few weeks since i have meditated... i often use the excuse of "not enough time" when it comes to everything in my life that is about me... not to make excuses but work has been crazy, my schedule is up, down and all over the place... i am exhausted beyond words most days... the only little pleasure i seem to find is going on facebook and playing stupid games...

as of tonight im taking back my time... im giving myself exactly what i need to give myself in order to get back on the path i was walking (or should i say running ) on 3 months ago... i felt so good then, in control, together, healthy

now i just feel over extended and under appreciated... frankly this is just not working for me... so now i take back my life, in a whole, at home, at work...

HOW TO MEDITATE 

to be continued....

it's my life and im going to do what i want

every single decision i make in life is about me, as selfish as that sounds... the reality is i only have myself to look after, my hubby is almost 40 he can look after himself.... now im not saying i dont consider him in my decisions, cuz of course he's my numero uno, but for the most part this life is about me, its my journey


i have had a bunch going on, mostly busy busy at work, which i wont bore you with, but i will pat myself on the back and say that my improvements are only positives for the most part, and i had a hellava great weekend at work... i have never been through such a busy salesweek and come out feeling so on top of the world... i really think our team did an amazing job, and yes i will take part of the credit for how smoothly things ran... yeah thats right i toot my own horn occasionally, someone has to right?


in other tara news, i am going tomorrow to see if i qualify for free hearing aids...the audiologists thinks i should be able to get approved since i am employeed full time and young, and kinda need my hearing to function... we shall see... i received alot of mixed emotions from people on the whole hearing aid thing... i wasnt too surprised, i mean i know what i can and can not hear... i would rather fix the problem with a solution, then allow things to progressively get worse... i mean its not the end of the world afterall...

i have also gotten most of the things i need to get my garden rolling... im hoping to start the seeding this weekend if the weather stays this nice, its been beautiful the past few days and i am really looking forward to gardening...its one of those things that helps keep the stress away... im not sure if i want to try eggplants and squash again... im still on the fence, but i got plenty of tomatos and cucumbers and peppers oh my

im hoping for a weekend off here soon, a nice 3 day weekend so that phil and i can head to the beach, we need a little getaway and some alone time... we havent really seen much of each other lately, with our schedules being so off... i would LOVE to do this before we start our remodel at work, but its not looking to good for that happening, but hey ya never know






speaking of the remodel, im pretty darn excited about it, its going to raise the bar in our store and im excited to see how things are going to go... its going to be interesting to walk in every morning and see the changes made overnight

i have been having these very weird dreams lately, i wont go into detail, but lets just say, maybe they are my deep down innermost desires? haha who knows?

you are what you continue to be

the title speaks for itself.... you become the person you continue to allow yourself to be...not too long ago (several years) i lived my life in a state of depression, i didnt care about anything but what had happened to me, and what i could have done to prevent it... then one day i woke up and realized i wasn't going to go anywhere in life if i kept allowing myself to be miserable.... there was this turning point, not that i can pin point it now , but there came a point when i realized enough is enough and i needed to move on...

to a point i have these moments often, of course none as grand as the original, most of the time its little things, like im not going to complain about this or that, im not going to worry about this or that... about a week ago i decided that everytime i have a gripe with someone or something, i am going to find a solution to the problem rather then worry about the problem itself... im going to take the rein on things and lead by example, find the solution and then share it with everyone around me...

i do realize i cant do and be everything or everyone, but at the same time i have a really hard time letting things continue on when i know they are not right... i have to figure out a way to find a balance without jeopordizing who i am... make sense?  in alot of ways im just a "let things run smooth" kinda gal... i tend to put the high expectations on others that i do for myself... i also feel that everyone should be trying the best they can... and when i get let down i end up being frustrated, so from now on i vow no more frustration, instead i will support the problem, find the solution, and share it

in other news... spring is finally starting to make its way into my world and i couldnt be happier... i love the sun, the warm afternoons, sitting on the porch reading or painting, or tending to the garden...

speaking of which... i dont know what i want to grow this year... my cucumbers did amazing last year, so i will definately be doing those, and those little yellow tomatos were great... i can firmly tell you i wont be doing anything upside down, as that really didnt work all the great, unless i find some tips on ways ot really make it work, im going to stick to upright planting... phil of course wants some peppers so i am going to do a flower box of those for him... im thinking of adding two more flower patio boxes this year, since the smaller fruits like cherry tomatos and mini peppers do really well in them with the sun shining on them for hours at a time...

im also considering doing a rubbermaid container with those small watermelons... i will have to research them more for this area and see if they would work on my porch, but i would love love love to have some of them grow...i just love having my patio garden and watching everything sprout up, and in the long run it saves me so much $$ on fresh produce from the market

well thats all i got for now, time to back the bus up into the bed and call it a night...

take a while and take a breath, let yourself down slow

i have this habit of searching for unsigned artists and getting myself totally obsessed with them before they become famous, so is true for Colbie Caillat, and now I can't get enough of Jonathan Clay , there is just something about his voice that makes me want to slow dance with myself =0)  ... so i suggest you check him out... Wonderful, Love at War, This Ones for Me, Back to Good, and Hello Goodbye are among my favs so far...

so today is day 12 without my prozac and it wasnt the greatest of days... i felt a little down and the mood at work felt down so that just added to my mood... the doc said i would have a short period of time where i would bottom out so to speak, then rise back up... hopefully today was the bottom... i perked up a little later in the day, and by the time i got home i felt good.... phil and i had a nice dinner, and watched some tv together for a bit before he went to bed...

my brother is back for a bit from the Rob Thomas tour... he brought me some goodies back from Austrailia which of course made me tickled... of course the one thing i asked for, he failed to bring me... rob himself... haha

well here is is march 1st, a little crazy how fast the year is going by already.... i have 10 weeks til i have been at weight watchers for 1 year,  by may 5th i hope to lose another 20lbs, that would put me at 55lbs in a year, which by all accounts is a healthy number for a year in my book, it could certainly have been that by now had i not slacked off ALOT, but im back on play again and have mapped out my week to include when i will work out based on my work schedule, i think that became part of my problem, lack of exercise.... phil and i joined Omni, but with my work schedule, i havent been getting there... so now i have a plan that will work, and i will stick to it, and get this 20lbs off by my hunnies birthday...

and finally im going to leave you with something to look at here.

something about you makes me me

there is just something about the rain that calms me...i love to just lay in bed on a rainy morning, and listen to the drops as they fill the puddles outside.... this is how my morning began....  i spent about an hour just lounging around this morning and thinking.... about my life, where i was, where i have been, and where i am going... i realized i have come along way in the last 5 years... i have made huge changes in my life, my marriage, myself... i have learned to take more time for me, really enjoy the things i am doing, and consistantly try to be better...

this month phil and i are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary... it really seems like just yesterday that we were married... we have been together for almost 11 years, and we have surely been through our ups and downs... but as i sit here today i can honestly say that i am more in love with my husband now than i have ever been... we have molded our relationship to work equally for both of us, we have accepted each others faults, and supported each other through everything life has thrown us... we have learned to communicate our feelings, and respect our differences... maybe these are a few of the keys to a successful marriage, im not sure, i will let you know in another 5 years...

i have really been trying to work on embracing people and things for who or what they are... its sometimes hard for me to see that not everyone thinks the way i do, reacts as i would, or is as passionate about things as i can be... i think by allowing myself to really look at the whole picture in situations i have really done well with this as of late... i realize i am not going to like everything everyone says or does, and that just because everything isnt exactly as i see it to be, doesnt make it better or worse... i have really learned to let go of things a lot faster... im pretty proud of myself for this...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

you brought me here

most nights i lay in bed thinking of things i would like to write, or paint, or do... i often come up with some really interesting ideas... i rehearse them in my mind as if i were putting them into words, typing them methodically here in this space, my space, a little place i started long ago and slowly drifted away from... tonight i was brought back, not sure why but it must mean something.... i checked the blogs of others i know and realized that at least 2 of them were back again as well... kizmat?

now because i strongly dislike when i break my promises, im not gonna make any, but i will try to re-use this outlet for some of the things floating in my head...

I did it!!!!!!!!!

Finally!

Only one of the best days ever

So yesterday, September 29th, was the Rob Thomas concert... and well if you know me well enough you know that I adore him... My brother is on the road with him right now and they were coming to Charlotte, so naturally he got Phil and I some tickets.... as I am sitting in my kick ass seats, my brother is texting me and waving to me to come on his side of the stage... So I run my ass over there to see what he wants, and hes like follow me... Beyond the big gate, standing there waiting for me is Rob Thomas... I about had a heart attack... I was shaking and nervous and no clue what the hell to say to him... He gave me a nice hug which calmed my nerves a bit... I thanked him for his music and all it has done for me, and got me through in the very rough years after losing Michael.... He told me to enjoy the show, it was going to be a great one, and it was... 2 hours of non stop Rob singing his beautiful music.... He gave me another big hug and a kiss on the cheek and took a picture with me...

There is just about the lyrics to his music that seems to always fit something or other in my life... My love for him is not one of lust or desire, but more admiration for all he does, and all he shares with the world... He is truely an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have spent a few minutes of my life with him.... <3

So on that note I leave with 2 lines of a song of his that I plan on including in my tattoo for michael, (when i finally get it done)

No, you will not be forgotten

and you will not be alone

Ok so with all that being said... Im sitting here suffering from the flu, my entire body hurts, my head feels like it wants to explode, my throat is almost impossible to swallow, and i generally feel like crap... lovely