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It's all about the things I want in life,

the battle I face to get there,

the strength I need to make it through another day.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Lesson 2 - Letting Go of Anger

So let me start off by saying WOW!  This topic could not have come at a better time.  The universe really came through in giving me the message I needed, for that I am grateful.  

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah

No words have ever rang truer to me then those at this moment. 

Before the "class" began I was thinking about what angers I had to let go of?  What have I been holding onto?  

My initial thought was the destruction of the relationship I had with my mother.  Now I wont bore you with the details of the situation, and at this point I don't even know if I can recall them all. But I will say that words are as lethal a weapon as a knife or a gun.  The words you speak to someone can have a direct impact on how a person feels and perceives themselves.  I don't hold anger toward my mother for the things she said, I came to terms with those words long ago.  Tonight I realized though that I was holding onto the anger of wishing things would have been different.  I now accept that they are not, and will move on knowing that I forgive.

I always say, no regrets, only life lessons, but if I am being honest with myself, that is not always the truth.  I do regret not allowing myself to let go fully and take the lesson that I had learned and move on.

The other thing I realized that I have been holding onto is the loss of my son.  I realized tonight that I have been allowing the feelings I have about his loss to define who I am and what my life is.  I have held back on being who I really want to be, my authentic self, because the guilt I have over his passing.  Although it has been almost 7 years since he passed, I don't quite think I have ever really forgiven myself.  For what I really don't know, because the bottom line is, it wasn't my fault.  Maybe I have never accepted that it had happened, and there is nothing I could have done to change it.  I do know I can't continue to allow this situation to define who I am, and who I want to be.  

Oprah posed the question tonight, What's holding you back right now? My answer was this, What's holding me back is the fear of allowing myself to truly be happy after the loss of my son. Tonight I let it go.

So I identify the hurt, accept that I can no longer hold onto anger for things that have happened in the past, and realize that I can not hold onto the hope that things would have been any different.  I decide to give up the anger. I choose to forgive myself for allowing the things I can not control to directly impact who I am as a person.

Tonight, I feel free...


Myscza Herman said...

WOW is all I have to say. I've lived a long time with a lot of anger and rage. I don't know/remember where I heard this, but when you hold on to anger, the only person you are hurting is yourself.

I am glad you are feeling free, *hugs*

Tara said...

=) thanks Michele