something about you makes me me

there is just something about the rain that calms me...i love to just lay in bed on a rainy morning, and listen to the drops as they fill the puddles outside.... this is how my morning began....  i spent about an hour just lounging around this morning and thinking.... about my life, where i was, where i have been, and where i am going... i realized i have come along way in the last 5 years... i have made huge changes in my life, my marriage, myself... i have learned to take more time for me, really enjoy the things i am doing, and consistantly try to be better...

this month phil and i are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary... it really seems like just yesterday that we were married... we have been together for almost 11 years, and we have surely been through our ups and downs... but as i sit here today i can honestly say that i am more in love with my husband now than i have ever been... we have molded our relationship to work equally for both of us, we have accepted each others faults, and supported each other through everything life has thrown us... we have learned to communicate our feelings, and respect our differences... maybe these are a few of the keys to a successful marriage, im not sure, i will let you know in another 5 years...

i have really been trying to work on embracing people and things for who or what they are... its sometimes hard for me to see that not everyone thinks the way i do, reacts as i would, or is as passionate about things as i can be... i think by allowing myself to really look at the whole picture in situations i have really done well with this as of late... i realize i am not going to like everything everyone says or does, and that just because everything isnt exactly as i see it to be, doesnt make it better or worse... i have really learned to let go of things a lot faster... im pretty proud of myself for this...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

you brought me here

most nights i lay in bed thinking of things i would like to write, or paint, or do... i often come up with some really interesting ideas... i rehearse them in my mind as if i were putting them into words, typing them methodically here in this space, my space, a little place i started long ago and slowly drifted away from... tonight i was brought back, not sure why but it must mean something.... i checked the blogs of others i know and realized that at least 2 of them were back again as well... kizmat?

now because i strongly dislike when i break my promises, im not gonna make any, but i will try to re-use this outlet for some of the things floating in my head...

I did it!!!!!!!!!

Finally!

Only one of the best days ever

So yesterday, September 29th, was the Rob Thomas concert... and well if you know me well enough you know that I adore him... My brother is on the road with him right now and they were coming to Charlotte, so naturally he got Phil and I some tickets.... as I am sitting in my kick ass seats, my brother is texting me and waving to me to come on his side of the stage... So I run my ass over there to see what he wants, and hes like follow me... Beyond the big gate, standing there waiting for me is Rob Thomas... I about had a heart attack... I was shaking and nervous and no clue what the hell to say to him... He gave me a nice hug which calmed my nerves a bit... I thanked him for his music and all it has done for me, and got me through in the very rough years after losing Michael.... He told me to enjoy the show, it was going to be a great one, and it was... 2 hours of non stop Rob singing his beautiful music.... He gave me another big hug and a kiss on the cheek and took a picture with me...

There is just about the lyrics to his music that seems to always fit something or other in my life... My love for him is not one of lust or desire, but more admiration for all he does, and all he shares with the world... He is truely an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have spent a few minutes of my life with him.... <3

So on that note I leave with 2 lines of a song of his that I plan on including in my tattoo for michael, (when i finally get it done)

No, you will not be forgotten

and you will not be alone

Ok so with all that being said... Im sitting here suffering from the flu, my entire body hurts, my head feels like it wants to explode, my throat is almost impossible to swallow, and i generally feel like crap... lovely

stuck in a rut

ever since i came back from Charleston, i feel like i am stuck in this food rut, i havent been eating good at all... i have had Taco Bell and McDonalds a few times, and each time i finish i feel like crap because i know that i just did damage to all my hard work in losing 32 lbs... last week at weight watchers i gained 3.4 lbs.. i expected this since i was away for the weekend... but this week has been up and down, up and down... i think i may have even gained another lb or so... i have to put an end to my quick stops at the fast food crap holes and get back on track... there is no need for this... im not emotional, i have no excuse... but if i keep up with this path, i will be back up that 30lbs in no time... its time to put and end to all the crap...

ahhhh that feels much better to get it off my chest...

so after seeing that clorie keeps up with hers, and she has way more on her plate then i do, i realized that i could definately use this outlet to let it all out... so with that being said, i am going to try really hard to get here and just babble about it all...

ok so lets see what else is new... oh ROB THOMAS concert in 8 days, that is HUGE news... danny is working for him again and they are coming to charlotte... im so excited....

oh and rosann will be down this week as ron gets set up in his new place in greensboro, so hopefully her and i can get together this week and catch up...

work has been slow, but not.. its weird, we are taking alot of our PTO to get it out of the way, so this last week, and this week, im not there much... its a nice little break but im ready to get back to the hussle and bussle of working because then i wont be sitting around the house snacking... =)

phil and i decided to go to savannah in october while im on vacation... we are going to go from tue to saturday the 17th... should be lots of fun... gonna book everything on wednesday and figure out what all we are going to be doing while we are there...

ok well thats about all the time i have for today... haha, not that anyone reads this but if you do, drop a note to say hi =)

playing catch up

Ok so I know I really suck at keeping up with this blog, but hey its here when I need it, so there ya go... With all the other stuff to do its a wonder I have to get over here... There are games out there to play people... HAHA

Anyway... Today is July 1st 2009... I cant believe we are halfway through 2009 already... Where has the time gone? Insane.... But this month is going to be an awesome month, and thats not just cuz its my birthday month... HAHA...

Ok so lets see.. what has been going on? Well I been working, working, and yeah working... and spending my off days running errands, and trying to fit in some time at the pool to work on my tan... so with that being said, Phil and I are heading down to Tampa on the 8th, to visit his mother and hit the beach... not my ideal vacation, but a vacation none the less... and Im doing the right thing by supporting Phil's wanting to visit his mother... Im sure it will be fun, especially since Martin (Phil's cousin) lives down there and he is a riot... The only sucky part is we are driving home on my birthday, so we are going to get on the road early and see what we find on our way home, and make a great day of it...

Then at the end of the month, my aunt and the girls are coming to visit.. FINALLY... I so cant wait... I havent seen them since I moved down here, and I miss them... They are getting so big, I see the pictures and cry cuz I miss them... So it will be a nice visit for them to come down....

Lets see what else... Oh yeah I joined Weight Watchers, 7 weeks ago, and of course I am doing great... Im down 21.6 lbs already, which is really great...being on vacation will be tough, but I plan on trying my best to stick to the plan....

Oh and if life couldnt get any better, my brother went out on tour with Rob Thomas again... that mans music moves me like no other... I <3>

Ok I quickly got bored with writing this blog, so thats all for now... btw, if you want to get me a birthday present, I am accepting donations to get my tattoo done... Its long overdue, and my son deserves it so I must work on getting it done... =)

ok get up with ya's soon... (if anyone even reads this anymore... LOLOL)

coulda been worse right?

today was our district Ops Managers meeting, and it was the second most dreaded day this week for me... i wont go into the first... anyway.... i have such a meeting phobia... i hate being in small rooms with people i dont know and having to speak... it has been something that has haunted me for my whole existance... im not really sure why, but it is just something i am not good at.... i am though a great observer, so this is how i spent my 5.5 hrs of the meeting... i listened, i made notes, i thought of ideas, i made plans... at first i was thinking that the whole meeting was a big waste of time for all of us, but in the end i did really get alot out of it... i learned alot about my position, and just how much of a role i play in my stores success...

in other news... having gotten myself addicted to the likes of facebook and twitter, i had to follow this story... i must say i do agree with ashton to the point of i would rather see and hear the things he has to say then watch some stuffy news reporter who is being censored by the brass upstairs... there are not many news "organizations" out there who do not censor their content, and supply us with a wide variety of topics... as for twitter, i joined after hearing something about john mayer, it escalated from there... i follow a few dozen people now, and its interesting to get a glimpse in the life of celebrity life... and its most interesting to see what they have to say about things that are going on in the world... i think the reason i found myself intrigued by ashton kutcher's tweets was that he and his wife are using their fame to support causes, and spread the word... make sure you check out http://www.malarianomore.org/ give a gift of life in the form of a $10 donation, that donation can drastically improved the well being of another human being...

and finally my last tid bit of babble for tonight... when i started the new year i made a promise to myself that each month i would try something new... whether it was learning something or stopping something, or changing something... last month (march) i failed miserably with the no cuss'n, and in april, i got so side tracked with life that i forgot, although i guess you can say picking back up on my blog and starting to tweet, were new things for the month.... but i digress... so what im asking is for anyone out there still reading this blog, to write me with suggestions for something fun i can do in may... it has to be something new to me, it has to keep my attention, and it cant be illegal :D... so put your thinking caps on and let me know what you come up with...

a walk down memory lane - the ridgefield days

this morning i logged on to facebook for my morning fix, and see a message about how there are row boats cruising through town... apparently a water main break has put a section of town under water, and it got me thinking...





i grew up in a very small town, approximately 2.6 square miles, with roughly 10,000 current residents, im sure back in the early 80's there were more like 6,000 residents... it was one of those towns where you knew your neighbors, you didn't lock your doors, you could easily walk into your friends' houses and grab a snack, without anyone thinking twice...





for the first 4 years my mother, father, brother and i lived in bruce street... a semi big apartment community adjacent to the town pool, sports fields, and the park... there was a creek that ran through our "backyard"... it was the place to be, many a night was spent catching lightening bugs, racing big wheels, playing in the creek, and enjoying a game of man hunt... all the neighbor kids got along, played together, had petty fights, and just generally had a good time... when it was dark enough, you would hear parents whistling and kids making their way back to their porches, begging for just a few more minutes...





at 9, my parents separated and my brother, mother and i moved to broad ave ... we lived in a tiny apartment above a deli, on the main road through town... even still, there were other families right next door and a nice amount of kids to hang out with... the Paratores lived next store, and gerri and i were often found finding mischief, or walking aimlessly down the block... we built igloos in the winter, played ball in the Oritani parking lot after hours, listened to salsa from Erika's house, and just hung out...





as we got older we were able to branch out, walking through town, going to the park, meeting at the "lot", drinking down "railroad", kissing fools behind the schools, going to parties, drinking too much and lying to our parents about our whereabouts... ahhh those were the days...





these were the days before even pagers became the norm, and cell phones? what were they??? we were innocent kids, doing innocent things, sipping on 1 beer for 4 hours straight, sneaking cigarettes from our parents, and washing off our eyeliner before going home from school...





as i got older, my circles changed... there were "clicks" in high school, and i really didn't belong in any of them... i was just there, going through the motions, trying to fit in, being friendly to all (ok maybe most)... when you grow up in a small town, and go to a small school, life is a series of the same ole same ole really... there were 76 kids in my graduating class, prom was only done for senior year (and thanks to Jeff Nunez, mine sucked), the night of graduation was spent together at a country club, staying out of trouble... and then everyone went their separate ways...





after high school i didnt really keep in tough with too many people, as i said before, i didn't really fit in with too many clicks, and the few true friendships i had were all i had left... the small town i knew and loved started getting bigger, the population started to boom, they changed the "circle" to accomodate more traffic... the small town feel wasnt there anymore, at least not from my side of town... im sure had we stayed at bruce st our whole lives things may have been different...





fast forward to 2008, and the inception of facebook and myspace, and other social networking websites, that bring you back to your past, put in you contact with old friends, catching up on the good ole days, and learning about the present... it's most interesting to me to see the revolution of peoples lives, people you played manhunt with, kids you secretly wanted to be friends with, girls you disliked cuz they nabbed your crush... sharing stories of the old days, and watching their children's easter videos... its interesting to see who the people from your small town have become, and where their paths have taken them...

friends, food, fun, family

a whole lotta f's going on this weekend... it's easter weekend, and i was lucky enough to have a four day weekend... saturday night we hit here, with some friends... very nice little set up they had there... i was of course disappointed in the fact that they charge an $8 cover, and $4 a beer, but the entertainment was surely worth it, i would have felt alot better about the amount had we stayed a bit more then 2 hours.. then we headed to some backwoods, redneck bar called jokers in rock hill... it reminded me alot of Docs up in PA, just a little more high energy... aside from not being able to breathe through the cig smoke, it was a good time... then the 4 of us hit up Denny's for some latenight munchies... the whole downfall of the night was not being able to fall asleep til 5am, after getting home at 3am, and then waking up at 10:30 am to start my easter dinner prep...





easter was great, had an awesome dinner, my ham was amazing... lily and skyler did an easter egg hunt... opened their baskets, and we all just sat around and relaxed... see pictures from our day here...





so i have one more day off tomorrow, and the plan is to sit around and rest... and get ready for my long week ahead at work... hope ya'll had a good easter...

time keeps on slipping

i often imagine myself coming here and typing out the words that flutter through my head, but time never permits... im going to try and get better... yeah yeah you have heard it all before... im sure at this point no one even comes here to read anymore... Oh well, with all the things floating around inside my head, i my as well take advantage of this blog and let it loose...





more to come.. promise

this is my niece lily, demonstrating her meditation technique... makes me smile

It's been forever

I thought I'd say hey...

thats all for now... haha

not all that jazzy but its something

so im sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to come up with something witty and wise to write about, and im drawing a blank... ya see there is nothing new and exciting going on, or at least nothing i think anyone would be interested in hearing about... work is great, had a great week filled with lots of laughs and odd faces from fellow employees... the best part of all, which im sure none of you will care about, i got 6 ONC's (Old Navy CC's) this week. It was a big week for me, very exciting :choke:

im off today and tomorrow... today im heading over to traci's to help her move some furniture around to get ready for new stuff... then tomorrow i am having lily all day which should be fun... im debating whether or not i want to take a ride down to the zoo or not... but with her a picnic at cherry park is so much better so we may just do that...

summer is right around the corner... i already have some of my patio set up with flowers... the great debate still goes on in my head whether or not i want to do veggies again this year... they didnt do all that great last year, but if i buy this then maybe i can get a good crop going... i'd love to do cucumbers and tomatos at very least... im going to try and see what happens... im not going to repeat of last year with all the different stuff, cuz truth be told, i just dont get enough sun on my patio for enough hours to keep things growing... =(

ok im off to see the kiddos and move some stuff with traci...

yeah when i have something important to talk about i'll be back... hell who am i kidding i'll be back to babble sooner then that im sure

c'est la vie mon cheri

ahh ps: if you havent done so already, check out my aidswalk page and give a small donation if you can... thanx a bunch

when i slack i slack

as i sit here waiting for traci and the kids to come over for family dinner
i surf through the dozen or so blogs that i *try* to keep up with and realize
just how much of a slacker i am with my own blog. i find time everyday to myspace and facebook, and check out this dribble but i cant seem to ever find time to keep up with my own life.

this working woman stuff has really taken me over. dont get me wrong i really love my job. i work with a great bunch of people and the good days definitely outweigh the bad, but i just dont ever seem to have time.

ya see most days for me start between 2 and 4 AM. i do my 15 mins of meditation, take my shower, shove a waffle down my throat, pop some pills (bp meds people) and im off for my commute. i use the 30 min drive to work to clear my head, blast some tunes and sing my lungs out. its just the perfect amount of a release i need to start my day.

im home daily between 2-3 pm, but boy once the shoes come off and my fat ass hits the couch im done for. things like housework and cooking have gone to the birds and i often spend my days off trying to play catch up if i can drag myself away from the dvr long enough. im in bed reading by 6:30 or 7:00 trying to catch some sleep to start all over the next day...

so you see time doesnt really allow for me to have for myself. i try though, i really do. this weekend im off so i spent my morning trying to get things done, hit the recycle center, drop off the 2 months worth of recycling that has accumulated on my patio, hit the farmers market for some fresh produce, that i vow to use this week to prepare some meals for my loves. i have to find a balance in this working thing that allows me some more time to just do...

its a miracle if i cook one meal per week, although im in harris teeter and awful lot buying stuff to do so... the plan is genuine, just putting it to use is where i falter. i set a goal today to find time, less in front of the tv when i come in from work and more on myself.

the weather is starting to really get warm here and i need need need to be out in the sun. im convinced it is the only thing that keeps me sane and less depressed. im going back to walking my complex, doing alittle of this and that, and far less couch warming. im sure if i move more, and sit less, i will be less tired all the time, and no doubt it will help allieviate some of the stress in my life.

well im sure by now i have lost most of my loyal readers, it goes hand in hand when you put your blog on hold for 6 months, not that there were many before. but i will try and update more often, i pinky promise. although there isnt all that much excitement in my life anyhow, im sure i can come up with a thing or two to right about

for now, peace out people, drop me a line, let me know your still out there

i have peripheral neuropathy, porphyria, wernicke syndrome, cercical (neck) spondylosis and all that jazz

so here i am dealing with numbness in my arms and hands when i sleep... to the extent that i wake up and they are 30lbs each... my poor digits look all bloated and painful... i get out of the bed, start moving and boom its gone... so i decide to check webmd to see what it may be and dont you know i could have all of the above diseases or syndromes... (not to make light of anyone with any of the serious ailments above) the logical part of me says, "you need more water", my blood is obviously in desperate need of oxygen hence causing my veins to all but shut down while i sleep instead of streaming happily through my body... today i all but gave myself water toxicity in efforts to get back on the path i was with drinking water before my life was uprooted to go earn a buck...

so for a seriously neurotic person such as myself, webmd is probably not the best choice in diagnosing my ailments... im not sure why im always compelled to go to the site and use the symptom checker... i have had just about everything as far as they are concerned... before me sits a list of local doctors, we have the coverage, so i guess i should use it since we are paying almost a $100 a WEEK for this crap... ugh dont get me started there!

im back on my food plan tomorrow... i cant do this rollercoaster anymore.. i have been consistantly losing weigh, even through the past two weeks where bojangles seasoned fries comforted me on the ride home after a rediculous day at work where some dickwad i work with was just a big prick.... ahhhh the joys of emotional eating... will i ever overcome.....

so i vow today that i will not give in to the temptations as i drive home past every single fast food restaurant calling my name, begging me to come visit... i will instead, bring an extra bag of carrots in my brown bag and crunch my merry way back home.... and if above mentioned dickwad cares to be disrespectful again, i will politely tell him to fuck off in my own polite manner and let it roll off my back...

to the gym i go... burn mf'er burn =)

so much to tell, so little time

well if you have noticed my total lack of time to blog, and well keep up generally just about everywhere it is because, i decided to take a job at the store is located about 25 mins away, its a brand new store, setting to open on august 30th. i have been enduring the whole training process for the last weeks, including many an early morning work arrivals. i decided to choose the logistics department. basically that means, we take in the truck and put out freight, do price changes, set up new displays, etc etc etc... i have done my training at a few other stores, but im eager to get into our store and get things moving along. anyone who has worked in retail, knows its not rocket science, but hey its a job, it pays really well for this area, and i dont have to break my back or work 50 hours a week between two jobs to make some money. so if you have been wondering where i ran off to, and whats been occupying my time, there you have... with a few naps thrown in there on my 4 and 5 am days...


jacob and tabby, went back home to ohio a week or so ago (traci's sisters' kids). it was nice getting to spend some time with them, swimming and such.... here's a summers end picture of all 4 of the twerps together... isnt it amazing how not tan they are for being in the south... i look at myself in the mirror and wonder why in the world i have no color either... probably due to the fact that its too damn hot to go outside while the sun is out...LOL


my final tidbit of news for now, is the fact that my very beautiful cousin jaclyn is about to embark on the most major change in her life tomorrow (wed aug 22nd), she is packing the car and heading off to college. im sorta sad that i cant be there to watch her off and help her move into the dorms. im so jealous of the opportunity she has been given and wish i had pushed for the opportunity when i was her age.... so say a few prayers for jaclyn, and aunt cathy too (my goodness she must be going nuts), that the move goes smooth, and jaclyn loves every minute of her college experience.

well thats about all i have for ya's now... i will try to stay up to date in the next few weeks, but my blogs will probably be scarce until the store opening is over and we get on a normal weekly schedule and i find time to manage all my lovely responsibilities.... damn to be a teenager again...LOL

for now....
peace out people!!!

post secret movie

love this site and all it stands for

postsecret

"who am i"

so for a few days now i have been contemplating the all too important question, who am i... as proposed at the outlet, a blog created by the beautiful and talented adele nieves[check out her other blog a book without a cover in the links section], of liquid words. adele and i reconnected a couple of years ago in email. we were high school classmates. so since initially reading the blog, i started thinking about who i am, and what my purpose has been for my being on this earth. as most of you know i have done some soul searching since losing my son and making as many positive changes in my life as possible. i started out small, with small goals in mind. i have worked my way up to some larger changes including picking up and moving 800 miles away from all things comfortable.

so the other day i sat down and began typing my answer to the hugely open question of who am i. my initial intention was to forward off my conclusions to Adele [ i still may do that], but i figured i should share the question with you guys and give you some food for thought as well.



you see the picture i have of myself is somewhat completely opposite of the life i actually live... i have this idea of the life i want to live and feel i work pretty hard to achieve those goals, but other parts of me haven't quite reached the potential i believe them to be. i almost feel like i am a hippie trapped in the body of an over made, over make-up'd, big haired woman. i dream of living off the land, meditating hours a day, doing yoga, running barefoot through the fields of planted daisies. cloth diapering my children, all while toting them around in a sling as i am preparing baby food from the fresh fruits and veggies growing in my garden.

you see this is the vision i have for my life, its so important to me to be a more whole person. to give 110% to myself, my health, my future, my family, my community. i know i have made great strives toward my ultimate me and with a little work i will become who i envision myself to be. i still though get up everyday, put on my make up, gussy up my hair, dress my best, even if i am just running to the recycle center to drop off my bottles and cans, in my duster skirt and berks.

so i guess the point i am making, or at least set out to make is that sometimes the package is much bigger then the gift itself. all in all, the only thing that matters in the end is how you feel about yourself, and in the last year or so i have really come to realize that i love myself for who i am, who i have been, who i want to be, and who i will day become... through and through

*note to self - dwindle down some of the cover girl and let your natural beauty shine through.

yum yum want some?

a few weeks back i started randomly receiving vegetarian magazine... [ let me say nothing happens randomly, im sure there is some deep seeded reason that it mysteriously started arriving in my name, to my mailbox, maybe as a reminder that i need to keep working hard at eating healthy] im not sure where it came from as anyone who knows me, knows i enjoy me a nice well done steak, and yummy chicken... on the cover of the latest issue i received was a picture of a vegetarian pizza that looked so delicious, i had to make it, my way of course, as onions are not a part of my diet, ever!



phil being phil had to have some meat on his, so he opted for the left over turkey meatballs from the previous nights dinner... i chose a small cucumber and tomato (the first from my garden) salad with a splish of olive oil, and my veggie and cheese pizza... i donned my pizza with zucchini and squash slices, and some tomatoes, layered on top of some ricotta cheese, topped with some fresh mozzarella and some shredded =)



doesnt it make you want a pizza?

Post Secret

Take a click over to PostSecret, read the postcards, and then click the comment section below this post and let me know how many secrets you could have written yourself. I see 5, can you guess which ones?

it's tricky dancing between drops

i guess the saying april showers, brings may flowers only exists in the north, because it sure feels like april to me. the first few weeks we lived here, it was sunny skies everyday. my patio was nourished with rays of sun on a daily basis. its seems the last two weeks all we have is rainy afternoons. dont get me wrong i know we "need" the rain, believe me i see the trees around my little commune here, they were in serious need of a drink.

is it too much to ask for the rain to come in the midst of the night or early morning hours, pretend if you will to be a sprinkler system set to soak while the rest of the world sleeps. my patio only sees 3 hours of full sun per day, i need every last second. the dry and humid air of the day is not doing wonders for my garden.

i can only hope that this two week soaker will bring life to many of the fruits and veggies and plants abound who are dying from thirst. i know it could be worse, it could rain all day but i wish it would rain during my off hours, when the sun is rising and shining on the other side of the complex. too much to ask? probably so

the rain brings me down, i need the sun in my life, it uplifts me, brings to a place of joy, the rays wash away the sadness, keep the tears at bay. i hope with a new week on the cusp, it brings brighter days. i have big plans for the month of august. many new beginnings for me, im set to try new things, right some wrongs if you may. hopefully i can do them in the sun.

speaking of new beginnings, i don't think i shared the news with anyone who is bored enough to read my senseless dribble, but here is a tidbit or two of actual newsworthy information. remember the two girls from the loss forum that i explored the city with? if you dont recall read here first. well both kathy and mary are expecting little ones in a few more months... such wonderful news. kathy just found out that she is expecting a little boy in november, and i believe if my sometimes terrible memory serves me right, mary is expecting a little girl in october. so that just leaves me, the last of the mohegan's. could it be my turn? bp is under control and i am finally off the meds, and af seems to finally be on a normal track, hey ya never know.

i'll keep ya posted