coulda been worse right?

today was our district Ops Managers meeting, and it was the second most dreaded day this week for me... i wont go into the first... anyway.... i have such a meeting phobia... i hate being in small rooms with people i dont know and having to speak... it has been something that has haunted me for my whole existance... im not really sure why, but it is just something i am not good at.... i am though a great observer, so this is how i spent my 5.5 hrs of the meeting... i listened, i made notes, i thought of ideas, i made plans... at first i was thinking that the whole meeting was a big waste of time for all of us, but in the end i did really get alot out of it... i learned alot about my position, and just how much of a role i play in my stores success...

in other news... having gotten myself addicted to the likes of facebook and twitter, i had to follow this story... i must say i do agree with ashton to the point of i would rather see and hear the things he has to say then watch some stuffy news reporter who is being censored by the brass upstairs... there are not many news "organizations" out there who do not censor their content, and supply us with a wide variety of topics... as for twitter, i joined after hearing something about john mayer, it escalated from there... i follow a few dozen people now, and its interesting to get a glimpse in the life of celebrity life... and its most interesting to see what they have to say about things that are going on in the world... i think the reason i found myself intrigued by ashton kutcher's tweets was that he and his wife are using their fame to support causes, and spread the word... make sure you check out http://www.malarianomore.org/ give a gift of life in the form of a $10 donation, that donation can drastically improved the well being of another human being...

and finally my last tid bit of babble for tonight... when i started the new year i made a promise to myself that each month i would try something new... whether it was learning something or stopping something, or changing something... last month (march) i failed miserably with the no cuss'n, and in april, i got so side tracked with life that i forgot, although i guess you can say picking back up on my blog and starting to tweet, were new things for the month.... but i digress... so what im asking is for anyone out there still reading this blog, to write me with suggestions for something fun i can do in may... it has to be something new to me, it has to keep my attention, and it cant be illegal :D... so put your thinking caps on and let me know what you come up with...

some things are better seen in photos

imagine the beauty that the light brings to the park at different times of day, you walk through the canopy of a large variety of trees, they cast shadows on the ground, using the light from the sun to dance on the blacktop. by far the most soothing part of yesterday was admiring the shadows. being in the sun, enjoying the outdoors, does wonders for my soul. wanna dance?

this tree sits in the park, with these wonderful rings on it. no matter the direction you turn your head, something new appears. what do you see? WHOWHO

i have to tell you guys about this ant. he was the most persistant ant i have ever seen. he was carrying this "kix" type cereal puff along the floor with all his might, trying im sure to bring back dinner to the den. we watched him for a few minutes, struggle, push, pull his meal. strength i tell ya.

i just had to share this most adorable picture of my neice and nephew. they just look too cute... i wish it was in front of a plain white wall, would make a perfect picture to frame. Who knows, maybe I will frame it after all.

family relations

truth be told, your universe really does shift when you move 700 miles... i wasn't so naive to think that the relationships in my life wouldn't change, but i guess my perception of change was a bit different. you would think the relationships you left behind would strengthen under the weight of miles, sadly that is not always the case. in moving i expected the changes, but not to the extent they are.

firstly, not long after we got settled in sc, we were hit with somewhat sad news. my brother and his wife traci were separating. in this day and age separation/divorce is unfortunately far to common, so i guess after the initial sting, i got it. i did/do have moments of sadness for my niece and nephew, but i can totally understand how in the grand scheme of things this will benefit everyone in the situation. my brother and sis in law were young. the didn't start there life together on the most normally of terms. my brother was for many years on the road with several top names. guitars has/was/always will be his niche. for a little over 10 years of their marriage, he was on the road for most of every year. they both settled into their life, doing their thing. making money, buying a home, cars, living life. two years ago, my brother retired from the road (this is the part where you here the dun dun dun). for obvious reasons, their family dynamic shifted. my brother was there everyday, jumping in as man of the house, co-parenting, etc. not always an easy situation to adjust to i imagine. long story short, it seems that for now, their marriage isn't going to work out. it's sad and it sucks but i honestly feel in the end their decision will vastly improve their relationship, as strange as that sounds.

so your wondering why i brought that up, the moral of the story is people change, and their changes effect everyone around them

im learning to reconnect with my brother and sister -in law, as you know we have lived separated by states for most of our adult life. you know someone differently when you visit them a few times a year. traci and i have always been close. we always talked on the phone just about weekly. we built a sisterhood. it has grown since we are here now. i admire her on many levels. she's a hard worker, who loves her kids to pieces. my brother and i disagree alot, as we did as kids, but there is still that connection. we both know we can disagree and that is going to be fine. we support and respect each other, through our differences. phil is finally getting to have a go at having a brother. we have been together for 8 years now, and he is just getting the opportunity to connect with my brother which is great. i hope they build a strong connection, and lasting friendship.

in the grand scheme of life changes, the 4 changes i didn't expect come from my girls back in pa. although if you have any incling into my life in the last 2.5 years, you know that some of these changes started way back when. with my aunt anyway... if you have never lost a child then you can't possibly understand the roller coaster of emotions that go along with grieving. i spent a good part of the first year a recluse in my home. i just couldn't stand to be around people who didn't get "it". in my eyes, my aunt didn't get it. she was before my confidant, someone i could talk to about anything, a staple in my life. my feelings about holding my precious lifeless son, and inevitably how that transformed me as a person, are/were topics that i just could never talk to her about. i always felt she just expected me to get over it and move on. i honestly don't think i ever will.

i partly blame myself for the demise of my position in the lives of my girls... i sheltered myself from them to keep them from seeing my hurt. i didn't want my sadness to rub off on them. unfortunately through that, i never allowed them to express their grief or sadness. the other part of me wishes my aunt would have turned my situation into a life lesson on grief, and how to approach a person who has lost a loved one.

though the relationship was a shade of distant, i still did my part when i could. the first year i picked lauryn up everyday from school, helped her with homework, waited with her until the girls came home. i went to basketball games and school events when i could. i probably could have gone to more, but some days just plain suck.

a major part of our decision to relocate from pa, was how that would affect my relationship with the girls. i had brought up the plan months before we had even solidified it, a buffer of sorts. when the time came, remarkably it was easier then expected to say goodbye. having computer access of course helps, its easier to keep in touch on this thing. i stayed up late into the night on my last night in pa, writing letters to the girls and my aunt. expressing how i felt, and how proud of them i was, and how i was going to miss them. sadly those letters were never returned, or acknowledged.

it is almost as if our relationship has turned into one of those, distant relative things, where you only send cards on holiday's, and even then they are not replied to with a thank you. i bring this up, not because i need to be thanked, believe me that is far from the case. and before anyone throws in the whole "they are kids thing" that is in my opinion is no excuse. jaclyn is 18, tayler 16, lauryn 11. in my opinion old enough to know that a simple thank you goes along way. i sent checks and gifts for two occasions so far and made sure to call with my tidings, and i was never met with a "hey thanks for the card" or "hey thanks for thinking of me". not really sure why this stabs me in the heart, non the less it does. i guess the final dig for me was when not one of them called me for my birthday last week. that really stung.

my once close relationship with my aunt has changed so much... we barely talk on the phone, and by barely i mean, i think 2x since i have been here, the last on june 5th when i called her for her birthday and was promptly cut off. we exchange emails back and forth every few weeks. the relationship is kinda stale now, almost generic. it kinda blows but i can only do my part to right the wrong. we both will have to let go of the past and accept the fact that we disagree in order for things to move forward. way back when she said that her and the girls would come down here for a few days before jaclyn starts college in august. at this point im pretty sure that wont happen, as the few times i did mention it in email, it was ignored. sad really, i would have loved for them to come into my new world, and to see skyler and finally meet lily. i will keep my offer on the board and hope that one day i am taking up on it.

so all and all, a thousand or so words later, i guess my whole point is this, people change, people move on, people forgive, people grow, people reunite, people forget.... it's all meant to be one way or the other. we don't always like the changes we see in others or vice versa, but we have to accept the changes and grow on them....