babble...

Lessons: 3, and 4

2011-10-15T02:48:00.001-04:00

This post is going to be a little different, as I am having a hard time relating to Lessons 3 & 4.

Lesson 3: You Become What You Believe

This lesson was for me all about becoming your authentic self. Looking back a few years I really had no clue who I was, and was my purpose was. As I grew and evolved and identified with my life, I came to really understand who I am as a person. Now don't get me wrong, there is still alot out there for me to learn, but I am getting there. There was a point in my life a few years back, that everyday I would wake up and look in the mirror and think, I am fat or I am ugly. Every negative thought I filled my head with led me to believe more and more that, that was I was. I read an article a few years ago that talked about self doubt, and overcoming what you believe yourself to be. It really turned me around, and I learned to embrace myself for who I am. Now, truth be told, I am overweight, its a battle I have been fighting my whole life. But I am working on it, and it certainly does not define me. I don't necessarily like being overweight, and the pro's to losing weight definitely defeat the cons, but like everything else it takes time. I am on the right path again, with a totally different mindset then I have ever had in my life, so success if in the future.

So basically this lesson was a little tricky for me, because I already feel like I am who I believe myself to be. I just need to continue to follow the actions to be my true authentic self. I have been keeping a journal with more detailed things on these lessons for myself, and although I didn't find myself very interested in this lesson, I filled 4 pages in my journal on that night.

Lesson 4: The Truth Will Set You Free

The title of the lesson is pretty much self explanatory. I sat with this last night, meditated on it this morning, and thought more about it this evening. I was trying to find some un-truth I have been hiding. What am I not admitting to myself or others that is holding me back? What kept coming to me was denial. I often find myself denying things to myself, as if to say, if I don't accept it, its not happening. I don't really have any big secret that I am keeping that will make me free to be who I am. So the only thing I really got out of this was to be more aware of denying my truths as a way of ignoring what is really going on.

So all and all, I may not have found these lessons to be huge aHa moments, they did provoke thinking and a few realizations. I guess that makes lesson learned.

Lesson 2 - Letting Go of Anger

2011-10-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

So let me start off by saying WOW! This topic could not have come at a better time. The universe really came through in giving me the message I needed, for that I am grateful.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah

No words have ever rang truer to me then those at this moment.

Before the "class" began I was thinking about what angers I had to let go of? What have I been holding onto?

My initial thought was the destruction of the relationship I had with my mother. Now I wont bore you with the details of the situation, and at this point I don't even know if I can recall them all. But I will say that words are as lethal a weapon as a knife or a gun. The words you speak to someone can have a direct impact on how a person feels and perceives themselves. I don't hold anger toward my mother for the things she said, I came to terms with those words long ago. Tonight I realized though that I was holding onto the anger of wishing things would have been different. I now accept that they are not, and will move on knowing that I forgive.

I always say, no regrets, only life lessons, but if I am being honest with myself, that is not always the truth. I do regret not allowing myself to let go fully and take the lesson that I had learned and move on.

The other thing I realized that I have been holding onto is the loss of my son. I realized tonight that I have been allowing the feelings I have about his loss to define who I am and what my life is. I have held back on being who I really want to be, my authentic self, because the guilt I have over his passing. Although it has been almost 7 years since he passed, I don't quite think I have ever really forgiven myself. For what I really don't know, because the bottom line is, it wasn't my fault. Maybe I have never accepted that it had happened, and there is nothing I could have done to change it. I do know I can't continue to allow this situation to define who I am, and who I want to be.

Oprah posed the question tonight, What's holding you back right now? My answer was this, What's holding me back is the fear of allowing myself to truly be happy after the loss of my son. Tonight I let it go.

So I identify the hurt, accept that I can no longer hold onto anger for things that have happened in the past, and realize that I can not hold onto the hope that things would have been any different. I decide to give up the anger. I choose to forgive myself for allowing the things I can not control to directly impact who I am as a person.

Tonight, I feel free...

Oprah's lifeclass day 1 - ego

2011-10-11T00:12:00.002-04:00

I wasn't really sure what to think of this whole Oprah life-class thing... I enjoy Oprah for the most part, so I signed up to give it a shot. A few minutes in and I was hooked. The wheels in my head started turning and I really started to put the things she was saying into perspective in my own life. I took notes, wrote down quotes, put my feelings in writing. It felt good.

Oprah stated that no thing, no job, no possession matters in defining who you are. I had to pause the TV and really sit and think about this for a few minutes and it hit me. I had a million reasons for giving up my job at [that place] at the time. Then tonight I started thinking about how working at [that place] was defining me. I may not have realized it at the time to the fullest but deep down there were much bigger reasons for letting it go. At the time it was mostly about how I was being treated, how unappreciated I was, how much time it took away from my family. These are all true, but only after really thinking about it tonight do I realize just how important they are. I allowed my ego to make my decisions and define my self worth. I allowed my responsibility to a company who viewed me as expendable to overshadow the much more important things in my life. The things that make me happy. I pushed them aside, and the instances that I did bring them in the picture, I am not sure I was fully present.

I defined myself on the vision those I worked with had of me. I always took on the role as the fearless leader who would make everything OK, and who always took everyone's feelings into consideration. I made decisions based on the best interests of everyone except for myself. I created an identity based on this false sense of self and evolved it. Its only now, 5 months later that I realize the damage I caused to myself during that time. The expectations that I set for myself based on every ones perception of me, was at times way more then I should have handled. It only offered me a false sense of achievement.

Oprah posed the question, where is your ego getting in the way, my response is simple.

My ego gets in the way when I am not being my authentic self for fear of how others will perceive me.

I intend on participating in all 25 life class sessions in the next 5 weeks, I will probably use this platform to discuss them, and connect them to myself. I'm pretty sure I will learn a thing or two about myself.

10/11 - Lesson 2: Letting Go of Anger - I'm really looking forward to this one.

2011-09-27T00:47:00.004-04:00

meditation music

2011-09-27T00:34:00.003-04:00

The Meditation Room

i stumbled on this website a few weeks ago. its a great place for anyone who is beginning out with mediation, or just needs something different.

The love I feel for my husband....

2011-08-19T23:55:00.000-04:00

37 years ago today the world was forever changed

2011-07-12T01:45:00.001-04:00

To Me!!!!

A few interesting facts about July 12, 1974

I was born on a friday.

I have been alive for 13,515 days, which includes 9 leap years.

I have lived through 7 US Presidents.

Bill Cosby, Richard Simmons, and Cheryl Ladd all share my birthday.

The NY Mets played at Dodgers Stadium and won!

Bruce Springstein performed at the Bottom Line Cabaret in NYC.

Random facts about 1974

Volkswagen first introduced the Golf in 1974.

Chinatown was the #1 movie in 1974.

Billboards #1 song for 1974 was "The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand.

The 55 mph speed limit was enforced to preserve gas usage

Sears Tower in Chicage became the worlds tallest building

The average cost of a new home was $34,000

Gas was .55C per gallon

The average cost of a new car was $3,750

Work begins on the 800 mile long Alaska Oil pipeline

2011-07-08T02:00:00.000-04:00

I Promise Myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Christian D. Larson

Over a year

2011-07-08T01:53:00.002-04:00

Ack! I havent posted anything here in a while... Stay tuned, I will start again =)

it's not always sunshine and roses

2010-04-29T00:49:00.000-04:00

it's written all over my face
disappointment
hurt
anger

i cant find the words to say how i feel
instead i bottle it all up and wait for the moment
the one moment that will feel right to let it out

so for now
i will live amongst a school of smiles

quotes

2010-04-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."

- Ursula Le Guin

"You need to be aware of what others are doing, applaud their efforts, acknowledge their successes, and encourage them in their pursuits. When we all help one another, everybody wins."

- Jim Stovall

"You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself."

- Harry Firestone

new leaf, new life

2010-04-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

i swear life throws you curve balls to see how you will react...
i am mentally and physically exhausted all the time
trying to do the best i can for everyone
and im almost always failing someone at one time or another
i cant be everything everyone wants me to be
its slowing burning a hole in me
im trying for him, her, them, us
it doesnt seem to have been noticed
the only person i dont seem to be trying for is myself

again, im starting over
im sure some will fall to the wayside
in order for me to be all that i am
i have to make me a priority
and that includes all that make me who i am

there are 168 hours in a week
i need to divide them evenly
as to not leave anyone behind
including myself

i have a plan, i wrote it out
~~i have to make it happen~~
i will make it happen

4/26/10 -

today i

- read a magazine from cover to cover while listening to music
- i made dinner for my husband
- i grocery shopped (and am proud to say 80% of my cart was fresh fruits and veggies)
- i worked out for 45 mins
- i cleaned up my mountain of papers, mail, and magazines
- i bought myself roses
- i meditated for 1 hr 15 mins
- i wrote a letter that i don't ever intend on sending, freeing non the less

today is a fresh start for me
im taking back my life

" Quiet your mind so that inspirations may rise from its depths" Unknown

2010-04-06T20:38:00.000-04:00

have you ever felt like you were just being pulled in all directions? that is precisely how i have been feeling lately... i feel a little stressed out and the fact that i am not doing the things i need to be doing for myself are causing me even more stress....

it has been a few weeks since i have meditated... i often use the excuse of "not enough time" when it comes to everything in my life that is about me... not to make excuses but work has been crazy, my schedule is up, down and all over the place... i am exhausted beyond words most days... the only little pleasure i seem to find is going on facebook and playing stupid games...

as of tonight im taking back my time... im giving myself exactly what i need to give myself in order to get back on the path i was walking (or should i say running ) on 3 months ago... i felt so good then, in control, together, healthy

now i just feel over extended and under appreciated... frankly this is just not working for me... so now i take back my life, in a whole, at home, at work...

HOW TO MEDITATE

to be continued....

it's my life and im going to do what i want

2010-03-25T00:04:00.001-04:00

every single decision i make in life is about me, as selfish as that sounds... the reality is i only have myself to look after, my hubby is almost 40 he can look after himself.... now im not saying i dont consider him in my decisions, cuz of course he's my numero uno, but for the most part this life is about me, its my journey

i have had a bunch going on, mostly busy busy at work, which i wont bore you with, but i will pat myself on the back and say that my improvements are only positives for the most part, and i had a hellava great weekend at work... i have never been through such a busy salesweek and come out feeling so on top of the world... i really think our team did an amazing job, and yes i will take part of the credit for how smoothly things ran... yeah thats right i toot my own horn occasionally, someone has to right?

in other tara news, i am going tomorrow to see if i qualify for free hearing aids...the audiologists thinks i should be able to get approved since i am employeed full time and young, and kinda need my hearing to function... we shall see... i received alot of mixed emotions from people on the whole hearing aid thing... i wasnt too surprised, i mean i know what i can and can not hear... i would rather fix the problem with a solution, then allow things to progressively get worse... i mean its not the end of the world afterall...

i have also gotten most of the things i need to get my garden rolling... im hoping to start the seeding this weekend if the weather stays this nice, its been beautiful the past few days and i am really looking forward to gardening...its one of those things that helps keep the stress away... im not sure if i want to try eggplants and squash again... im still on the fence, but i got plenty of tomatos and cucumbers and peppers oh my

im hoping for a weekend off here soon, a nice 3 day weekend so that phil and i can head to the beach, we need a little getaway and some alone time... we havent really seen much of each other lately, with our schedules being so off... i would LOVE to do this before we start our remodel at work, but its not looking to good for that happening, but hey ya never know

speaking of the remodel, im pretty darn excited about it, its going to raise the bar in our store and im excited to see how things are going to go... its going to be interesting to walk in every morning and see the changes made overnight

i have been having these very weird dreams lately, i wont go into detail, but lets just say, maybe they are my deep down innermost desires? haha who knows?

you are what you continue to be

2010-03-15T00:46:00.000-04:00

the title speaks for itself.... you become the person you continue to allow yourself to be...not too long ago (several years) i lived my life in a state of depression, i didnt care about anything but what had happened to me, and what i could have done to prevent it... then one day i woke up and realized i wasn't going to go anywhere in life if i kept allowing myself to be miserable.... there was this turning point, not that i can pin point it now , but there came a point when i realized enough is enough and i needed to move on...

to a point i have these moments often, of course none as grand as the original, most of the time its little things, like im not going to complain about this or that, im not going to worry about this or that... about a week ago i decided that everytime i have a gripe with someone or something, i am going to find a solution to the problem rather then worry about the problem itself... im going to take the rein on things and lead by example, find the solution and then share it with everyone around me...

i do realize i cant do and be everything or everyone, but at the same time i have a really hard time letting things continue on when i know they are not right... i have to figure out a way to find a balance without jeopordizing who i am... make sense? in alot of ways im just a "let things run smooth" kinda gal... i tend to put the high expectations on others that i do for myself... i also feel that everyone should be trying the best they can... and when i get let down i end up being frustrated, so from now on i vow no more frustration, instead i will support the problem, find the solution, and share it

in other news... spring is finally starting to make its way into my world and i couldnt be happier... i love the sun, the warm afternoons, sitting on the porch reading or painting, or tending to the garden...

speaking of which... i dont know what i want to grow this year... my cucumbers did amazing last year, so i will definately be doing those, and those little yellow tomatos were great... i can firmly tell you i wont be doing anything upside down, as that really didnt work all the great, unless i find some tips on ways ot really make it work, im going to stick to upright planting... phil of course wants some peppers so i am going to do a flower box of those for him... im thinking of adding two more flower patio boxes this year, since the smaller fruits like cherry tomatos and mini peppers do really well in them with the sun shining on them for hours at a time...

im also considering doing a rubbermaid container with those small watermelons... i will have to research them more for this area and see if they would work on my porch, but i would love love love to have some of them grow...i just love having my patio garden and watching everything sprout up, and in the long run it saves me so much $$ on fresh produce from the market

well thats all i got for now, time to back the bus up into the bed and call it a night...

take a while and take a breath, let yourself down slow

2010-03-01T01:10:00.000-05:00

i have this habit of searching for unsigned artists and getting myself totally obsessed with them before they become famous, so is true for Colbie Caillat, and now I can't get enough of Jonathan Clay , there is just something about his voice that makes me want to slow dance with myself =0) ... so i suggest you check him out... Wonderful, Love at War, This Ones for Me, Back to Good, and Hello Goodbye are among my favs so far...

so today is day 12 without my prozac and it wasnt the greatest of days... i felt a little down and the mood at work felt down so that just added to my mood... the doc said i would have a short period of time where i would bottom out so to speak, then rise back up... hopefully today was the bottom... i perked up a little later in the day, and by the time i got home i felt good.... phil and i had a nice dinner, and watched some tv together for a bit before he went to bed...

my brother is back for a bit from the Rob Thomas tour... he brought me some goodies back from Austrailia which of course made me tickled... of course the one thing i asked for, he failed to bring me... rob himself... haha

well here is is march 1st, a little crazy how fast the year is going by already.... i have 10 weeks til i have been at weight watchers for 1 year, by may 5th i hope to lose another 20lbs, that would put me at 55lbs in a year, which by all accounts is a healthy number for a year in my book, it could certainly have been that by now had i not slacked off ALOT, but im back on play again and have mapped out my week to include when i will work out based on my work schedule, i think that became part of my problem, lack of exercise.... phil and i joined Omni, but with my work schedule, i havent been getting there... so now i have a plan that will work, and i will stick to it, and get this 20lbs off by my hunnies birthday...

and finally im going to leave you with something to look at here.

something about you makes me me

2010-02-22T23:11:00.003-05:00

there is just something about the rain that calms me...i love to just lay in bed on a rainy morning, and listen to the drops as they fill the puddles outside.... this is how my morning began.... i spent about an hour just lounging around this morning and thinking.... about my life, where i was, where i have been, and where i am going... i realized i have come along way in the last 5 years... i have made huge changes in my life, my marriage, myself... i have learned to take more time for me, really enjoy the things i am doing, and consistantly try to be better...

this month phil and i are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary... it really seems like just yesterday that we were married... we have been together for almost 11 years, and we have surely been through our ups and downs... but as i sit here today i can honestly say that i am more in love with my husband now than i have ever been... we have molded our relationship to work equally for both of us, we have accepted each others faults, and supported each other through everything life has thrown us... we have learned to communicate our feelings, and respect our differences... maybe these are a few of the keys to a successful marriage, im not sure, i will let you know in another 5 years...

i have really been trying to work on embracing people and things for who or what they are... its sometimes hard for me to see that not everyone thinks the way i do, reacts as i would, or is as passionate about things as i can be... i think by allowing myself to really look at the whole picture in situations i have really done well with this as of late... i realize i am not going to like everything everyone says or does, and that just because everything isnt exactly as i see it to be, doesnt make it better or worse... i have really learned to let go of things a lot faster... im pretty proud of myself for this...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

you brought me here

2010-02-16T01:16:00.003-05:00

most nights i lay in bed thinking of things i would like to write, or paint, or do... i often come up with some really interesting ideas... i rehearse them in my mind as if i were putting them into words, typing them methodically here in this space, my space, a little place i started long ago and slowly drifted away from... tonight i was brought back, not sure why but it must mean something.... i checked the blogs of others i know and realized that at least 2 of them were back again as well... kizmat?

now because i strongly dislike when i break my promises, im not gonna make any, but i will try to re-use this outlet for some of the things floating in my head...

I did it!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-09T23:38:00.002-05:00

Finally!

Only one of the best days ever

2009-10-01T00:32:00.003-04:00

So yesterday, September 29th, was the Rob Thomas concert... and well if you know me well enough you know that I adore him... My brother is on the road with him right now and they were coming to Charlotte, so naturally he got Phil and I some tickets.... as I am sitting in my kick ass seats, my brother is texting me and waving to me to come on his side of the stage... So I run my ass over there to see what he wants, and hes like follow me... Beyond the big gate, standing there waiting for me is Rob Thomas... I about had a heart attack... I was shaking and nervous and no clue what the hell to say to him... He gave me a nice hug which calmed my nerves a bit... I thanked him for his music and all it has done for me, and got me through in the very rough years after losing Michael.... He told me to enjoy the show, it was going to be a great one, and it was... 2 hours of non stop Rob singing his beautiful music.... He gave me another big hug and a kiss on the cheek and took a picture with me...

There is just about the lyrics to his music that seems to always fit something or other in my life... My love for him is not one of lust or desire, but more admiration for all he does, and all he shares with the world... He is truely an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have spent a few minutes of my life with him.... <3

So on that note I leave with 2 lines of a song of his that I plan on including in my tattoo for michael, (when i finally get it done)

No, you will not be forgotten

and you will not be alone

Ok so with all that being said... Im sitting here suffering from the flu, my entire body hurts, my head feels like it wants to explode, my throat is almost impossible to swallow, and i generally feel like crap... lovely

stuck in a rut

2009-09-21T20:53:00.003-04:00

ever since i came back from Charleston, i feel like i am stuck in this food rut, i havent been eating good at all... i have had Taco Bell and McDonalds a few times, and each time i finish i feel like crap because i know that i just did damage to all my hard work in losing 32 lbs... last week at weight watchers i gained 3.4 lbs.. i expected this since i was away for the weekend... but this week has been up and down, up and down... i think i may have even gained another lb or so... i have to put an end to my quick stops at the fast food crap holes and get back on track... there is no need for this... im not emotional, i have no excuse... but if i keep up with this path, i will be back up that 30lbs in no time... its time to put and end to all the crap...

ahhhh that feels much better to get it off my chest...

so after seeing that clorie keeps up with hers, and she has way more on her plate then i do, i realized that i could definately use this outlet to let it all out... so with that being said, i am going to try really hard to get here and just babble about it all...

ok so lets see what else is new... oh ROB THOMAS concert in 8 days, that is HUGE news... danny is working for him again and they are coming to charlotte... im so excited....

oh and rosann will be down this week as ron gets set up in his new place in greensboro, so hopefully her and i can get together this week and catch up...

work has been slow, but not.. its weird, we are taking alot of our PTO to get it out of the way, so this last week, and this week, im not there much... its a nice little break but im ready to get back to the hussle and bussle of working because then i wont be sitting around the house snacking... =)

phil and i decided to go to savannah in october while im on vacation... we are going to go from tue to saturday the 17th... should be lots of fun... gonna book everything on wednesday and figure out what all we are going to be doing while we are there...

ok well thats about all the time i have for today... haha, not that anyone reads this but if you do, drop a note to say hi =)

playing catch up

2009-07-01T22:47:00.004-04:00

Ok so I know I really suck at keeping up with this blog, but hey its here when I need it, so there ya go... With all the other stuff to do its a wonder I have to get over here... There are games out there to play people... HAHA

Anyway... Today is July 1st 2009... I cant believe we are halfway through 2009 already... Where has the time gone? Insane.... But this month is going to be an awesome month, and thats not just cuz its my birthday month... HAHA...

Ok so lets see.. what has been going on? Well I been working, working, and yeah working... and spending my off days running errands, and trying to fit in some time at the pool to work on my tan... so with that being said, Phil and I are heading down to Tampa on the 8th, to visit his mother and hit the beach... not my ideal vacation, but a vacation none the less... and Im doing the right thing by supporting Phil's wanting to visit his mother... Im sure it will be fun, especially since Martin (Phil's cousin) lives down there and he is a riot... The only sucky part is we are driving home on my birthday, so we are going to get on the road early and see what we find on our way home, and make a great day of it...

Then at the end of the month, my aunt and the girls are coming to visit.. FINALLY... I so cant wait... I havent seen them since I moved down here, and I miss them... They are getting so big, I see the pictures and cry cuz I miss them... So it will be a nice visit for them to come down....

Lets see what else... Oh yeah I joined Weight Watchers, 7 weeks ago, and of course I am doing great... Im down 21.6 lbs already, which is really great...being on vacation will be tough, but I plan on trying my best to stick to the plan....

Oh and if life couldnt get any better, my brother went out on tour with Rob Thomas again... that mans music moves me like no other... I <3>

Ok I quickly got bored with writing this blog, so thats all for now... btw, if you want to get me a birthday present, I am accepting donations to get my tattoo done... Its long overdue, and my son deserves it so I must work on getting it done... =)

ok get up with ya's soon... (if anyone even reads this anymore... LOLOL)

coulda been worse right?

2009-04-17T23:35:00.004-04:00

today was our district Ops Managers meeting, and it was the second most dreaded day this week for me... i wont go into the first... anyway.... i have such a meeting phobia... i hate being in small rooms with people i dont know and having to speak... it has been something that has haunted me for my whole existance... im not really sure why, but it is just something i am not good at.... i am though a great observer, so this is how i spent my 5.5 hrs of the meeting... i listened, i made notes, i thought of ideas, i made plans... at first i was thinking that the whole meeting was a big waste of time for all of us, but in the end i did really get alot out of it... i learned alot about my position, and just how much of a role i play in my stores success...

in other news... having gotten myself addicted to the likes of facebook and twitter, i had to follow this story... i must say i do agree with ashton to the point of i would rather see and hear the things he has to say then watch some stuffy news reporter who is being censored by the brass upstairs... there are not many news "organizations" out there who do not censor their content, and supply us with a wide variety of topics... as for twitter, i joined after hearing something about john mayer, it escalated from there... i follow a few dozen people now, and its interesting to get a glimpse in the life of celebrity life... and its most interesting to see what they have to say about things that are going on in the world... i think the reason i found myself intrigued by ashton kutcher's tweets was that he and his wife are using their fame to support causes, and spread the word... make sure you check out http://www.malarianomore.org/ give a gift of life in the form of a $10 donation, that donation can drastically improved the well being of another human being...

and finally my last tid bit of babble for tonight... when i started the new year i made a promise to myself that each month i would try something new... whether it was learning something or stopping something, or changing something... last month (march) i failed miserably with the no cuss'n, and in april, i got so side tracked with life that i forgot, although i guess you can say picking back up on my blog and starting to tweet, were new things for the month.... but i digress... so what im asking is for anyone out there still reading this blog, to write me with suggestions for something fun i can do in may... it has to be something new to me, it has to keep my attention, and it cant be illegal :D... so put your thinking caps on and let me know what you come up with...

a walk down memory lane - the ridgefield days

2009-04-13T12:33:00.007-04:00

this morning i logged on to facebook for my morning fix, and see a message about how there are row boats cruising through town... apparently a water main break has put a section of town under water, and it got me thinking...

i grew up in a very small town, approximately 2.6 square miles, with roughly 10,000 current residents, im sure back in the early 80's there were more like 6,000 residents... it was one of those towns where you knew your neighbors, you didn't lock your doors, you could easily walk into your friends' houses and grab a snack, without anyone thinking twice...

for the first 4 years my mother, father, brother and i lived in bruce street... a semi big apartment community adjacent to the town pool, sports fields, and the park... there was a creek that ran through our "backyard"... it was the place to be, many a night was spent catching lightening bugs, racing big wheels, playing in the creek, and enjoying a game of man hunt... all the neighbor kids got along, played together, had petty fights, and just generally had a good time... when it was dark enough, you would hear parents whistling and kids making their way back to their porches, begging for just a few more minutes...

at 9, my parents separated and my brother, mother and i moved to broad ave ... we lived in a tiny apartment above a deli, on the main road through town... even still, there were other families right next door and a nice amount of kids to hang out with... the Paratores lived next store, and gerri and i were often found finding mischief, or walking aimlessly down the block... we built igloos in the winter, played ball in the Oritani parking lot after hours, listened to salsa from Erika's house, and just hung out...

as we got older we were able to branch out, walking through town, going to the park, meeting at the "lot", drinking down "railroad", kissing fools behind the schools, going to parties, drinking too much and lying to our parents about our whereabouts... ahhh those were the days...

these were the days before even pagers became the norm, and cell phones? what were they??? we were innocent kids, doing innocent things, sipping on 1 beer for 4 hours straight, sneaking cigarettes from our parents, and washing off our eyeliner before going home from school...

as i got older, my circles changed... there were "clicks" in high school, and i really didn't belong in any of them... i was just there, going through the motions, trying to fit in, being friendly to all (ok maybe most)... when you grow up in a small town, and go to a small school, life is a series of the same ole same ole really... there were 76 kids in my graduating class, prom was only done for senior year (and thanks to Jeff Nunez, mine sucked), the night of graduation was spent together at a country club, staying out of trouble... and then everyone went their separate ways...

after high school i didnt really keep in tough with too many people, as i said before, i didn't really fit in with too many clicks, and the few true friendships i had were all i had left... the small town i knew and loved started getting bigger, the population started to boom, they changed the "circle" to accomodate more traffic... the small town feel wasnt there anymore, at least not from my side of town... im sure had we stayed at bruce st our whole lives things may have been different...

fast forward to 2008, and the inception of facebook and myspace, and other social networking websites, that bring you back to your past, put in you contact with old friends, catching up on the good ole days, and learning about the present... it's most interesting to me to see the revolution of peoples lives, people you played manhunt with, kids you secretly wanted to be friends with, girls you disliked cuz they nabbed your crush... sharing stories of the old days, and watching their children's easter videos... its interesting to see who the people from your small town have become, and where their paths have taken them...

friends, food, fun, family

2009-04-12T22:41:00.005-04:00

a whole lotta f's going on this weekend... it's easter weekend, and i was lucky enough to have a four day weekend... saturday night we hit here, with some friends... very nice little set up they had there... i was of course disappointed in the fact that they charge an $8 cover, and $4 a beer, but the entertainment was surely worth it, i would have felt alot better about the amount had we stayed a bit more then 2 hours.. then we headed to some backwoods, redneck bar called jokers in rock hill... it reminded me alot of Docs up in PA, just a little more high energy... aside from not being able to breathe through the cig smoke, it was a good time... then the 4 of us hit up Denny's for some latenight munchies... the whole downfall of the night was not being able to fall asleep til 5am, after getting home at 3am, and then waking up at 10:30 am to start my easter dinner prep...

easter was great, had an awesome dinner, my ham was amazing... lily and skyler did an easter egg hunt... opened their baskets, and we all just sat around and relaxed... see pictures from our day here...

so i have one more day off tomorrow, and the plan is to sit around and rest... and get ready for my long week ahead at work... hope ya'll had a good easter...

time keeps on slipping

2009-04-12T13:16:00.003-04:00

i often imagine myself coming here and typing out the words that flutter through my head, but time never permits... im going to try and get better... yeah yeah you have heard it all before... im sure at this point no one even comes here to read anymore... Oh well, with all the things floating around inside my head, i my as well take advantage of this blog and let it loose...

more to come.. promise

this is my niece lily, demonstrating her meditation technique... makes me smile

It's been forever

2008-12-14T20:21:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd say hey...

thats all for now... haha

not all that jazzy but its something

2008-04-20T10:04:00.005-04:00

so im sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to come up with something witty and wise to write about, and im drawing a blank... ya see there is nothing new and exciting going on, or at least nothing i think anyone would be interested in hearing about... work is great, had a great week filled with lots of laughs and odd faces from fellow employees... the best part of all, which im sure none of you will care about, i got 6 ONC's (Old Navy CC's) this week. It was a big week for me, very exciting :choke:

im off today and tomorrow... today im heading over to traci's to help her move some furniture around to get ready for new stuff... then tomorrow i am having lily all day which should be fun... im debating whether or not i want to take a ride down to the zoo or not... but with her a picnic at cherry park is so much better so we may just do that...

summer is right around the corner... i already have some of my patio set up with flowers... the great debate still goes on in my head whether or not i want to do veggies again this year... they didnt do all that great last year, but if i buy this then maybe i can get a good crop going... i'd love to do cucumbers and tomatos at very least... im going to try and see what happens... im not going to repeat of last year with all the different stuff, cuz truth be told, i just dont get enough sun on my patio for enough hours to keep things growing... =(

ok im off to see the kiddos and move some stuff with traci...

yeah when i have something important to talk about i'll be back... hell who am i kidding i'll be back to babble sooner then that im sure

c'est la vie mon cheri

ahh ps: if you havent done so already, check out my aidswalk page and give a small donation if you can... thanx a bunch

when i slack i slack

2008-03-01T14:41:00.002-05:00

as i sit here waiting for traci and the kids to come over for family dinner
i surf through the dozen or so blogs that i *try* to keep up with and realize
just how much of a slacker i am with my own blog. i find time everyday to myspace and facebook, and check out this dribble but i cant seem to ever find time to keep up with my own life.

this working woman stuff has really taken me over. dont get me wrong i really love my job. i work with a great bunch of people and the good days definitely outweigh the bad, but i just dont ever seem to have time.

ya see most days for me start between 2 and 4 AM. i do my 15 mins of meditation, take my shower, shove a waffle down my throat, pop some pills (bp meds people) and im off for my commute. i use the 30 min drive to work to clear my head, blast some tunes and sing my lungs out. its just the perfect amount of a release i need to start my day.

im home daily between 2-3 pm, but boy once the shoes come off and my fat ass hits the couch im done for. things like housework and cooking have gone to the birds and i often spend my days off trying to play catch up if i can drag myself away from the dvr long enough. im in bed reading by 6:30 or 7:00 trying to catch some sleep to start all over the next day...

so you see time doesnt really allow for me to have for myself. i try though, i really do. this weekend im off so i spent my morning trying to get things done, hit the recycle center, drop off the 2 months worth of recycling that has accumulated on my patio, hit the farmers market for some fresh produce, that i vow to use this week to prepare some meals for my loves. i have to find a balance in this working thing that allows me some more time to just do...

its a miracle if i cook one meal per week, although im in harris teeter and awful lot buying stuff to do so... the plan is genuine, just putting it to use is where i falter. i set a goal today to find time, less in front of the tv when i come in from work and more on myself.

the weather is starting to really get warm here and i need need need to be out in the sun. im convinced it is the only thing that keeps me sane and less depressed. im going back to walking my complex, doing alittle of this and that, and far less couch warming. im sure if i move more, and sit less, i will be less tired all the time, and no doubt it will help allieviate some of the stress in my life.

well im sure by now i have lost most of my loyal readers, it goes hand in hand when you put your blog on hold for 6 months, not that there were many before. but i will try and update more often, i pinky promise. although there isnt all that much excitement in my life anyhow, im sure i can come up with a thing or two to right about

for now, peace out people, drop me a line, let me know your still out there

i have peripheral neuropathy, porphyria, wernicke syndrome, cercical (neck) spondylosis and all that jazz

2007-09-09T17:12:00.000-04:00

so here i am dealing with numbness in my arms and hands when i sleep... to the extent that i wake up and they are 30lbs each... my poor digits look all bloated and painful... i get out of the bed, start moving and boom its gone... so i decide to check webmd to see what it may be and dont you know i could have all of the above diseases or syndromes... (not to make light of anyone with any of the serious ailments above) the logical part of me says, "you need more water", my blood is obviously in desperate need of oxygen hence causing my veins to all but shut down while i sleep instead of streaming happily through my body... today i all but gave myself water toxicity in efforts to get back on the path i was with drinking water before my life was uprooted to go earn a buck...

so for a seriously neurotic person such as myself, webmd is probably not the best choice in diagnosing my ailments... im not sure why im always compelled to go to the site and use the symptom checker... i have had just about everything as far as they are concerned... before me sits a list of local doctors, we have the coverage, so i guess i should use it since we are paying almost a $100 a WEEK for this crap... ugh dont get me started there!

im back on my food plan tomorrow... i cant do this rollercoaster anymore.. i have been consistantly losing weigh, even through the past two weeks where bojangles seasoned fries comforted me on the ride home after a rediculous day at work where some dickwad i work with was just a big prick.... ahhhh the joys of emotional eating... will i ever overcome.....

so i vow today that i will not give in to the temptations as i drive home past every single fast food restaurant calling my name, begging me to come visit... i will instead, bring an extra bag of carrots in my brown bag and crunch my merry way back home.... and if above mentioned dickwad cares to be disrespectful again, i will politely tell him to fuck off in my own polite manner and let it roll off my back...

to the gym i go... burn mf'er burn =)

so much to tell, so little time

2007-08-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

well if you have noticed my total lack of time to blog, and well keep up generally just about everywhere it is because, i decided to take a job at the store is located about 25 mins away, its a brand new store, setting to open on august 30th. i have been enduring the whole training process for the last weeks, including many an early morning work arrivals. i decided to choose the logistics department. basically that means, we take in the truck and put out freight, do price changes, set up new displays, etc etc etc... i have done my training at a few other stores, but im eager to get into our store and get things moving along. anyone who has worked in retail, knows its not rocket science, but hey its a job, it pays really well for this area, and i dont have to break my back or work 50 hours a week between two jobs to make some money. so if you have been wondering where i ran off to, and whats been occupying my time, there you have... with a few naps thrown in there on my 4 and 5 am days...

jacob and tabby, went back home to ohio a week or so ago (traci's sisters' kids). it was nice getting to spend some time with them, swimming and such.... here's a summers end picture of all 4 of the twerps together... isnt it amazing how not tan they are for being in the south... i look at myself in the mirror and wonder why in the world i have no color either... probably due to the fact that its too damn hot to go outside while the sun is out...LOL

my final tidbit of news for now, is the fact that my very beautiful cousin jaclyn is about to embark on the most major change in her life tomorrow (wed aug 22nd), she is packing the car and heading off to college. im sorta sad that i cant be there to watch her off and help her move into the dorms. im so jealous of the opportunity she has been given and wish i had pushed for the opportunity when i was her age.... so say a few prayers for jaclyn, and aunt cathy too (my goodness she must be going nuts), that the move goes smooth, and jaclyn loves every minute of her college experience.

well thats about all i have for ya's now... i will try to stay up to date in the next few weeks, but my blogs will probably be scarce until the store opening is over and we get on a normal weekly schedule and i find time to manage all my lovely responsibilities.... damn to be a teenager again...LOL

for now....
peace out people!!!

post secret movie

2007-08-13T18:31:00.000-04:00

love this site and all it stands for

postsecret

"who am i"

2007-08-04T20:17:00.000-04:00

so for a few days now i have been contemplating the all too important question, who am i... as proposed at the outlet, a blog created by the beautiful and talented adele nieves[check out her other blog a book without a cover in the links section], of liquid words. adele and i reconnected a couple of years ago in email. we were high school classmates. so since initially reading the blog, i started thinking about who i am, and what my purpose has been for my being on this earth. as most of you know i have done some soul searching since losing my son and making as many positive changes in my life as possible. i started out small, with small goals in mind. i have worked my way up to some larger changes including picking up and moving 800 miles away from all things comfortable.

so the other day i sat down and began typing my answer to the hugely open question of who am i. my initial intention was to forward off my conclusions to Adele [ i still may do that], but i figured i should share the question with you guys and give you some food for thought as well.

you see the picture i have of myself is somewhat completely opposite of the life i actually live... i have this idea of the life i want to live and feel i work pretty hard to achieve those goals, but other parts of me haven't quite reached the potential i believe them to be. i almost feel like i am a hippie trapped in the body of an over made, over make-up'd, big haired woman. i dream of living off the land, meditating hours a day, doing yoga, running barefoot through the fields of planted daisies. cloth diapering my children, all while toting them around in a sling as i am preparing baby food from the fresh fruits and veggies growing in my garden.

you see this is the vision i have for my life, its so important to me to be a more whole person. to give 110% to myself, my health, my future, my family, my community. i know i have made great strives toward my ultimate me and with a little work i will become who i envision myself to be. i still though get up everyday, put on my make up, gussy up my hair, dress my best, even if i am just running to the recycle center to drop off my bottles and cans, in my duster skirt and berks.

so i guess the point i am making, or at least set out to make is that sometimes the package is much bigger then the gift itself. all in all, the only thing that matters in the end is how you feel about yourself, and in the last year or so i have really come to realize that i love myself for who i am, who i have been, who i want to be, and who i will day become... through and through

*note to self - dwindle down some of the cover girl and let your natural beauty shine through.

yum yum want some?

2007-08-04T14:00:00.000-04:00

a few weeks back i started randomly receiving vegetarian magazine... [ let me say nothing happens randomly, im sure there is some deep seeded reason that it mysteriously started arriving in my name, to my mailbox, maybe as a reminder that i need to keep working hard at eating healthy] im not sure where it came from as anyone who knows me, knows i enjoy me a nice well done steak, and yummy chicken... on the cover of the latest issue i received was a picture of a vegetarian pizza that looked so delicious, i had to make it, my way of course, as onions are not a part of my diet, ever!

phil being phil had to have some meat on his, so he opted for the left over turkey meatballs from the previous nights dinner... i chose a small cucumber and tomato (the first from my garden) salad with a splish of olive oil, and my veggie and cheese pizza... i donned my pizza with zucchini and squash slices, and some tomatoes, layered on top of some ricotta cheese, topped with some fresh mozzarella and some shredded =)

doesnt it make you want a pizza?

Post Secret

2007-07-22T12:12:00.000-04:00

Take a click over to PostSecret, read the postcards, and then click the comment section below this post and let me know how many secrets you could have written yourself. I see 5, can you guess which ones?

it's tricky dancing between drops

2007-07-20T17:55:00.000-04:00

i guess the saying april showers, brings may flowers only exists in the north, because it sure feels like april to me. the first few weeks we lived here, it was sunny skies everyday. my patio was nourished with rays of sun on a daily basis. its seems the last two weeks all we have is rainy afternoons. dont get me wrong i know we "need" the rain, believe me i see the trees around my little commune here, they were in serious need of a drink.

is it too much to ask for the rain to come in the midst of the night or early morning hours, pretend if you will to be a sprinkler system set to soak while the rest of the world sleeps. my patio only sees 3 hours of full sun per day, i need every last second. the dry and humid air of the day is not doing wonders for my garden.

i can only hope that this two week soaker will bring life to many of the fruits and veggies and plants abound who are dying from thirst. i know it could be worse, it could rain all day but i wish it would rain during my off hours, when the sun is rising and shining on the other side of the complex. too much to ask? probably so

the rain brings me down, i need the sun in my life, it uplifts me, brings to a place of joy, the rays wash away the sadness, keep the tears at bay. i hope with a new week on the cusp, it brings brighter days. i have big plans for the month of august. many new beginnings for me, im set to try new things, right some wrongs if you may. hopefully i can do them in the sun.

speaking of new beginnings, i don't think i shared the news with anyone who is bored enough to read my senseless dribble, but here is a tidbit or two of actual newsworthy information. remember the two girls from the loss forum that i explored the city with? if you dont recall read here first. well both kathy and mary are expecting little ones in a few more months... such wonderful news. kathy just found out that she is expecting a little boy in november, and i believe if my sometimes terrible memory serves me right, mary is expecting a little girl in october. so that just leaves me, the last of the mohegan's. could it be my turn? bp is under control and i am finally off the meds, and af seems to finally be on a normal track, hey ya never know.

i'll keep ya posted

some things are better seen in photos

2007-07-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

imagine the beauty that the light brings to the park at different times of day, you walk through the canopy of a large variety of trees, they cast shadows on the ground, using the light from the sun to dance on the blacktop. by far the most soothing part of yesterday was admiring the shadows. being in the sun, enjoying the outdoors, does wonders for my soul. wanna dance?

this tree sits in the park, with these wonderful rings on it. no matter the direction you turn your head, something new appears. what do you see? WHOWHO

i have to tell you guys about this ant. he was the most persistant ant i have ever seen. he was carrying this "kix" type cereal puff along the floor with all his might, trying im sure to bring back dinner to the den. we watched him for a few minutes, struggle, push, pull his meal. strength i tell ya.

i just had to share this most adorable picture of my neice and nephew. they just look too cute... i wish it was in front of a plain white wall, would make a perfect picture to frame. Who knows, maybe I will frame it after all.

fun in the sun, walk in the park, doesnt get much better then this

2007-07-20T15:44:00.000-04:00

i took the kiddo's to cherry park for a little fun... skyler and i planned a scavenger hunt list before we left, and packed our picnic bag up. we walked the 2 mile track first, everyone needs a little exercise and all..LOL, on the walk we did a little scavenger hunt, 30 things to try and find.. i think we found 20.... then we sat down for a picnic lunch, followed by some fun at the playground. it was a fun and free way to spend time with the kids...=)

must see tv

2007-07-18T16:30:00.001-04:00

An Inconvenient Truth

family relations

2007-07-18T10:19:00.000-04:00

truth be told, your universe really does shift when you move 700 miles... i wasn't so naive to think that the relationships in my life wouldn't change, but i guess my perception of change was a bit different. you would think the relationships you left behind would strengthen under the weight of miles, sadly that is not always the case. in moving i expected the changes, but not to the extent they are.

firstly, not long after we got settled in sc, we were hit with somewhat sad news. my brother and his wife traci were separating. in this day and age separation/divorce is unfortunately far to common, so i guess after the initial sting, i got it. i did/do have moments of sadness for my niece and nephew, but i can totally understand how in the grand scheme of things this will benefit everyone in the situation. my brother and sis in law were young. the didn't start there life together on the most normally of terms. my brother was for many years on the road with several top names. guitars has/was/always will be his niche. for a little over 10 years of their marriage, he was on the road for most of every year. they both settled into their life, doing their thing. making money, buying a home, cars, living life. two years ago, my brother retired from the road (this is the part where you here the dun dun dun). for obvious reasons, their family dynamic shifted. my brother was there everyday, jumping in as man of the house, co-parenting, etc. not always an easy situation to adjust to i imagine. long story short, it seems that for now, their marriage isn't going to work out. it's sad and it sucks but i honestly feel in the end their decision will vastly improve their relationship, as strange as that sounds.

so your wondering why i brought that up, the moral of the story is people change, and their changes effect everyone around them

im learning to reconnect with my brother and sister -in law, as you know we have lived separated by states for most of our adult life. you know someone differently when you visit them a few times a year. traci and i have always been close. we always talked on the phone just about weekly. we built a sisterhood. it has grown since we are here now. i admire her on many levels. she's a hard worker, who loves her kids to pieces. my brother and i disagree alot, as we did as kids, but there is still that connection. we both know we can disagree and that is going to be fine. we support and respect each other, through our differences. phil is finally getting to have a go at having a brother. we have been together for 8 years now, and he is just getting the opportunity to connect with my brother which is great. i hope they build a strong connection, and lasting friendship.

in the grand scheme of life changes, the 4 changes i didn't expect come from my girls back in pa. although if you have any incling into my life in the last 2.5 years, you know that some of these changes started way back when. with my aunt anyway... if you have never lost a child then you can't possibly understand the roller coaster of emotions that go along with grieving. i spent a good part of the first year a recluse in my home. i just couldn't stand to be around people who didn't get "it". in my eyes, my aunt didn't get it. she was before my confidant, someone i could talk to about anything, a staple in my life. my feelings about holding my precious lifeless son, and inevitably how that transformed me as a person, are/were topics that i just could never talk to her about. i always felt she just expected me to get over it and move on. i honestly don't think i ever will.

i partly blame myself for the demise of my position in the lives of my girls... i sheltered myself from them to keep them from seeing my hurt. i didn't want my sadness to rub off on them. unfortunately through that, i never allowed them to express their grief or sadness. the other part of me wishes my aunt would have turned my situation into a life lesson on grief, and how to approach a person who has lost a loved one.

though the relationship was a shade of distant, i still did my part when i could. the first year i picked lauryn up everyday from school, helped her with homework, waited with her until the girls came home. i went to basketball games and school events when i could. i probably could have gone to more, but some days just plain suck.

a major part of our decision to relocate from pa, was how that would affect my relationship with the girls. i had brought up the plan months before we had even solidified it, a buffer of sorts. when the time came, remarkably it was easier then expected to say goodbye. having computer access of course helps, its easier to keep in touch on this thing. i stayed up late into the night on my last night in pa, writing letters to the girls and my aunt. expressing how i felt, and how proud of them i was, and how i was going to miss them. sadly those letters were never returned, or acknowledged.

it is almost as if our relationship has turned into one of those, distant relative things, where you only send cards on holiday's, and even then they are not replied to with a thank you. i bring this up, not because i need to be thanked, believe me that is far from the case. and before anyone throws in the whole "they are kids thing" that is in my opinion is no excuse. jaclyn is 18, tayler 16, lauryn 11. in my opinion old enough to know that a simple thank you goes along way. i sent checks and gifts for two occasions so far and made sure to call with my tidings, and i was never met with a "hey thanks for the card" or "hey thanks for thinking of me". not really sure why this stabs me in the heart, non the less it does. i guess the final dig for me was when not one of them called me for my birthday last week. that really stung.

my once close relationship with my aunt has changed so much... we barely talk on the phone, and by barely i mean, i think 2x since i have been here, the last on june 5th when i called her for her birthday and was promptly cut off. we exchange emails back and forth every few weeks. the relationship is kinda stale now, almost generic. it kinda blows but i can only do my part to right the wrong. we both will have to let go of the past and accept the fact that we disagree in order for things to move forward. way back when she said that her and the girls would come down here for a few days before jaclyn starts college in august. at this point im pretty sure that wont happen, as the few times i did mention it in email, it was ignored. sad really, i would have loved for them to come into my new world, and to see skyler and finally meet lily. i will keep my offer on the board and hope that one day i am taking up on it.

so all and all, a thousand or so words later, i guess my whole point is this, people change, people move on, people forgive, people grow, people reunite, people forget.... it's all meant to be one way or the other. we don't always like the changes we see in others or vice versa, but we have to accept the changes and grow on them....

seesaw, knock on my door, who's there....

2007-07-16T00:10:00.001-04:00

in the midst of the night, i sit and wonder if i am coming or going. as if standing on the center of a seesaw teetering from side to side. my concern has me wondering which road will achieve the absolute best outcome for everyone around me. my incessant self obligatory need to please is a constant source of stress for me. though my intentions are always well meant, i need to practice some self control.

there have been lots of changes in my life in the last 18 months or so. both spiritually and emotionally. i insist less on near perfection. my self diagnosed ocd has really been shoved to the wayside. i find myself more relaxed in most aspects. when it comes to others though, i still find myself eager to offer criticism or suggestions. in meditation tonight i made myself aware of a lesson i was taught not to long ago. as a student in life, i will keep practicing this lesson, and use the rule of thumb to think before i speak.

i made the decision in the latter part of last week to start seeking employment. financially we are fine although covering groceries and my car payment would sure help us get ahead. 25-30 hours a week would be ideal for me. it will keep me open to watching the kids and running my errands, but still enough hours to make something to contribute to the house. hopefully i will start getting calls tomorrow. i do though dread the whole interview process.

*photos are of the birthday dozen from phil, they are without a doubt the most beautiful roses i have ever received.

get bent

2007-07-15T00:58:00.000-04:00

if you haven't seen this already http://bentobjects.blogspot.com/ , check it out...

ok somehow...

2007-07-14T17:06:00.001-04:00

somehow i didnt publish a blog from back in june so you will have to scroll down to see the garden before pictures... sorry

garden update

2007-07-14T16:57:00.000-04:00

ok a little garden update.. first my squash and zucchini took a nosedive and i wasnt sure why until i did some internet research and found out that they have some kind of leaf disease that was spreading every time i would water them. needless to say i was really bummed out because those are my two favorites. i got rid of the soil because i kept replanting, and was probably doing continuous damage with the icky soil. i replanted in fresh soil, wish me luck.

my tomatos are doing great, i have 4 plants of all different varieties and as you can see below they are coming along quite nicely. we should be ready to pick and eat those three in a few days.

eggplants are coming along, although they are really a little early i think. the only below is the only one that big. should be ready to eat in a few weeks.. yummy!

my my my has the pepper grown.. i have two plants but this plant with the pepper came with it already sprouted a little but it has grown in size tremendously. im really surprised with my lack of full sun how well all the full sun produce is doing. i have to water 2x a day as it is very dry here but that hasnt been a problem. i thought for sure the fact that the sun shines from 3:30-6:30 on my patio would be a problem, but apparently not =)

my flower boxes took a beaten last week when we had another pounding rain... 2 days after i was still pouring water out of them. I dont have holes on the bottom so they didnt drain well... i havent watered them since and they are finally starting to dry out.

my mother's day basket from phil is finally coming back.. thanks to rosann who told me how to manage the clusters once they died off.

well thats it for the patio garden update... comment people... tell me about your summer gardens!

a whole lotta happening

2007-07-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

so i am terrible about updating, i do apologize
i will do my best in this blog to get things up to date..

ok so ya'll know that we moved to south carolina.. the trip went well, we did have to end up stopping over night as driving a loaded truck isn't as easy as i expected it to be. none the less we arrived around noon on the 15th. we headed over to our apartment to sign all the paperwork, and unload a few things so we could spend the night.. the next day the movers came and unloaded us.. we are settling into south carolina as good as expected. it was a little bit of culture shock at first. things here are a little slower then we are used to.

phil signed on with a small used car lot about 15 mins from the house. he is doing well there and really enjoys it. there are tons of big dealerships here, and that means more hustling so this works out better. he hasnt had to deal with the stresses that come with fighting for deals and is home everyday before the sun goes down!!

being here with danny, traci, and the kids has been awesome!!! its been a godsend for me to watch lily grow up right before my eyes. she has changed so much in the last 2 1/2 months. she speaks in full sentences and she is so darn smart. skyler is 9 going on 20, strong willed and fresh...lol he is into sports now (baseball and football) hopefully that will help him learn to deal with disappointments of not always getting his way. a bit of bad news came with our move, a few weeks after we arrived, danny and traci let us know they would be separating. danny is now in his own place and has found a bit of himself with god. its only been a few days but he seems to be happy in his new place. its unfortunate that they are separating but in time they can rebuild the friendship that is far more important then the marriage. skylet is handling things pretty well, as can be expected he is pitching a few little fits here and there. in time they will work themselves out.

skyler is heading off to camp in about a week, a full week away from home with his cousin jacob, no phone calls, no visits... just the boys becoming one with nature and hopefully having a kick ass time. im sure he will do great. i made him a pillowcase out of some globe fabric i have for his special camping pillow. i look forward to hearing all about his trip when he gets home.

since i moved away, the toughest thing has been the lack of communication with my girls up north. i miss them all like crazy.. jaclyn just graduated high school and went on her first trip with just friends to ocean city. tayler is going into 11th grade and sticking with her basketball and doing great. lauryn has decided to leave catholic school and attend public school next year. all in all i think it was a better decision for her basketball career. my aunt is down 85 lbs after her successful gastric bypass surgery in february. she is apparently doing extremely well adjusting to all that comes along with that surgery. i miss them all so much, i cant wait to head up to pa for a visit.. hopefully in the next few weeks.

oh and rosann got a 1968 mustang as a 15 yr wedding anniversary gift from ron... how sweet!

well besides sitting by the pool and sweating off some lbs in the gym, hanging around with the kids a few days a week, and strengthening my relationship with phil.. not a whole lot is going on...

phils mom is heading down from nj on july 4th for a 5 day visit... this should be interesting.. i will have to update you guys on that soon... lol

in closing i will leave you guys with a few pictures i have since the move... enjoy

my ever growing garden

2007-06-21T16:55:00.000-04:00

well first i added a few new plants to my collection.. some of my items didnt do so well, such as the peppers, carrots and cucumbers.. so i replaced the peppers with two new already established plants from walmart... i also got a yellow tomato plant to add....

so now i have 4 different tomato varieties... one of which has prospered from seeds, the other 3 i bought stalks that were established.... here is a picture of the two largest tomato's, they are on this enormous stalk that has at least 3 dozen buds...

2 pepper plants (i dont eat peppers...lol) but i have a mixed stalk that grows both red and green bells, and a separate that grows yellow bells... here is a picture of the first green that is coming through...

my yellow squash and zucchini are doing well, there are about a dozen or so buds on each plant... on the yellow squash plant there are these long "strap" type things growing that attach themselves to things.. in the morning they will tightly curled around the pole in the middle, and my afternoon wrapped around a leaf's stem... here's a picture, you can see the swirly things pretty good, and the clusters of soon to be squash...

my eggplant plants are doing well, I have 3 in one big pot.. so far I have 2 thriving eggplants, and a few flower buds... i chose 2 different types to have some variety once they come through...

i found a mushroom in my squash planter about a week ago, it was so funny to see... I dont know about mushrooms but i probably shoulda let it grow and fed it to phil, he loves schrooms... but i plucked it out just to be safe...

a few more weeks i should have a full blown bunch of veggies to choose from.. until next time...

bare walls, boxes and a bunny cake

2007-04-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

Hop Hop Hop... Our last holiday here in PA was another quiet one. I made a Ham dinner, with mashed potato's, and peas and carrots. Phil and I did some work around here packing and then ate a late dinner. I made a carrot cake, not exactly the best in decorating, but it was cute enough and tasted delicious.

As you can see our boxes are packed and we are just about ready to load the truck. We have very little left to do, pack overnight bags and make sure that the items we will need quickly are on top of the containers. In the first box all the brown boxes you see are all books. I should have counted them as I packed them, but I can tell you that the total of the boxes weighs 120 lbs. You can also see the awesome stand up mixer my mother in law gave me. I used it on Easter for the cake mix and then the mashed potato's and it was heaven. It was given to her as a gift and she never used it so she offered it to me. I of course accepted since it was an item on my long list of wants, but never wanted to spend the $$ on it. So all in all we are all packed up and ready to go. We get the truck on Saturday, and we will spend the day slowly packing the truck. We will head to bed early and leave bright and early on Sunday morning after loading the mattresses and TV. Phil will drive the truck and I will lead in the car. It took me 10 hours when I went down a few weeks ago, I imagine it will take about 12 with the truck.

We move in to our new place on Monday morning, and should be all settled a few days after. I will keep you posted...

On another note, I purchased several seed packets to try again with growing my own veggies. I bought Cucumbers, Eggplant's, Tomato's, Green Peppers, and both Yellow and Green Squash. Last summer I did Eggplant's and Mini Tomato's and they were wonderful, so I look forward to trying all these new veggies out this year, wish me luck! I plan on turning our patio into a mini vegetable garden.

Below is the layout of our new place.. pictures to come once we arrive and unpack =)

Click to enlarge

Moving on up (well south in this case)

2007-03-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

A year of procrastinating is finally coming to an end. We have secured a new home in Rock Hill, SC. We are moving into a 2BR, 2 Full Bath Apartment, in an apartment complex that yields a pool and fitness center. The best part is we will only be a short 12 minute ride over to my brother's house. I look forward to being near my sis in law Traci, and the kiddo's.

Rock Hill is about 10 hours south of where we live now in PA. 4 states seperate SC and PA. 624 miles. Being so far from my girls is going to be tough. I don't look forward to the initial shock of it all but I know that it will be fine in the end.

So we leave April 14th, load the truck and go is the plan. Warmer climates here we come. I will miss Pennsylvania and my easy access to friends in NJ, but I will definitely not miss the snow.

there's something about chocolate

2007-01-30T14:43:00.000-05:00

well the cold finally found us in nepa. and it is relentless at the moment. it just doesn't seem to get warm in my humble abode these days. the heat is purring but the warmth isn't sticking around long enough to keep me warm. i have resorted to a hat and double socks to help. the biggest help though is my yummy delicious hot chocolate. there is something about a steaming mug of hot chocolate with a cold dollop of whipped cream floating on the top of the mug. when your lips hit the mug and you feel that cool cream touch your lips while sipping on the hot chocolaty pleasure. its a dream in my eyes these days.

so i haven't spent much time on this blog, i'm sorry for that. i'm sure by now my small following is long gone. i vowed a few times to get back into it and then life takes over and i get engulfed in other things.

my learning experience for the month of january went well. i watched all the episodes of living with the kombai, and perused the internet for as much information i could find. i regret not getting to the library for some literature but there is still time. i learned alot of interesting things about the kombai culture. their lives are so similar to the "west" and they don't even know it. all and all i am glad i spent time learning about their lifestyle.

i haven't spend much time thinking about a new adventure for february. any suggestions?

let's see, what else can i tell ya's about. oh i adventured into cloth pads. it's an environmentally friendly way to deal with aunt flo each month. i made a purchase from here and another from here. You can read all about cloth pads here. i just started using them yesterday and i have to say i really do like them better. they feel better against your delicate skin. its basically the same concept as a cloth diaper for a baby. reuse and recycle.

moving is still on our board of things to get done before summer. we had a slight financial set back but we are working on rebuilding what was lost from savings, and it should not put a dent into our plans too much. we are still hoping for april or may for the big move. hopefully april though so i can be there for lily's 2nd birthday.

finally i will leave you with a few postcards that i swiped from post secret, that made me feel, well just feel. * kickball * lotus * alone * scared

i strive to learn therefore i am

2007-01-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

So my new years resolutions included learning something new every month of the year. Basically something I did not know or did not previously know how to do. January was not looking all that well as I had a hard time finding something to learn about. Then last night while Phil and I were flipping through the stations we stumbled upon The Travel Channel and a preview of a show called Living with the Kombai. It started at 9pm so I figured I would have to miss it because it is Sunday and Desperate Housewives rules my TV on Sunday nights..

After the local news I decided to flip back to the the travel channel and realized that at midnight they would re-air the program. I got a cup of tea and got comfy to watch. Well 2 hours later I was still sitting there, very interested in what I was watching. So my mission this month is to learn all I can about the Kombai Tribe of Papua, New Guinea. I'm off to the library =)

Next Sunday there is a continuation of the program, talk about reality TV.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

2006-12-17T18:58:00.000-05:00

Did you ever read at PostSecret? I am a loyal follower and I read over there every week. To date I have had 2 secrets posted, one in the original book and another on the site. Each week on Sunday he updates the site with new secrets. You will be surprised how many over time pertain to how you feel. Neither of the secrets below are mine, but they do reflect how I am feeling about two different aspects of my life right now. Check them out.

Ohhhh christmas tree, ohh christmas tree, how lovely are your branches

2006-12-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

Phil and I went to pick out our christmas tree today... we decked it all out
Ohhhhh Christmas Tree

lights on

Angel at the top of my tree, right near the memorial ornament from the girls

Upclose of the beautiful ornament Janine sent me

Michael's Angel from 2005

Michael's Angel from 2006

Angel Tree Topper

Candle Missie sent me from Denmark

i give thanks to thee

2006-11-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

Had I thought the whole process through I would have definitely taken pictures of my meal... I may not be a baker, but boy can I cook... Granted everything I made today was pretty standard. Turkey (breasts only), mashed potatoes, green beans, candied yams (Phil did these), gravy and crescent rolls. Everything came out wonderful.

Our day was kinda plain, but I enjoyed just about every moment of it. I got up at around 10, did my thing until I woke up (it sometimes takes me a few minutes to get talking), I made a scrambled egg and some wheat toast and checked my emails. My brother called with his tidings, chatted with him for a few. Did some prep work for our dinner while Phil set up our table. Then we sat around and watched some football. I got bored because it was two teams I don't watch so I went to shower... Then it was back to the sofa to watch my Cowboys take on Tampa. I was interrupted a few times to deal with the turkey and potatoes but overall I had a nice peaceful day.

I ran up the street to visit my aunt and the girls for a few minutes, and of course had to deal with my mother being there. Im slim on patience so I basically ignored her comment and left. I wanted to get back home and catch the 4th quarter without being annoyed by her. Finished up the game and had some of the my yummy pumpkin pie. Then I retired to my bed where I watched my Thursday night line-up.

So all and all a great day... peaceful, calm and without incidents.

Hope you had a great day in your part of the world.

a baker i am not, but i tried and tried again....

2006-11-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

I would love to say that I had the most amazing experience baking pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving, but my first attempt ended up in the trash and while I was on the cusp of just purchasing a pre-made pie from the local Price Chopper, I called Phil for a pick me up and push to give it a another try. He convinced me that I am good at what I do and that I just needed to try again. Back to the store I went for my second round of pumpkin pie supplies.

You see my first pies would have been marvelous had I properly read the instructions I had in front of me and realized that I had totally omitted an ingredient. SUGAR! So when the pies where done, I stuck a spoon in a corner and took a little spoonful to taste. Immediately I spit it out and thought, what happened. I went back to my handy print out and realized I forgot the darn sugar, or in our case Splenda.

So with Phils little push, I braved the crowds and went back to the market for my extra supplies and came back to start the process all over again. The second time around, I am happy to report that the fruits of my labor have turned out wonderfully and I have two piping hot pies on the cooling racks, tasting wonderfully.

Since Phil and I will be giving thanks at home this year, just the two of us, I decided to run the second pie up to my aunts house for her and the girls to enjoy. I know she is upset that Phil and I have decided not to join them this year but I really enjoyed the idea of the two of us spending a quiet day at home, without a table full of food in front of us all day. We will play some cards, watch some football, and mostly just snuggle up under a blanket on the couch and enjoy being in each others arms.

Here are a few snap shots of my pies... Want some?

And just for the record, pie crust is very tempermental, as you can see I lost a bit here and there..LOL

Alive

2006-11-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

good eats, and the things that make them possible

2006-11-19T16:10:00.000-05:00

Today the question was posed, "what do you want for christmas", for some this is usually a pretty easy question to answer, and for me it is usually filled with alot of anxiety and indecisiveness. You see when I want something, I tend to just go buy it. That normally ruins it for everyone else who is trying to get me something I would really like. Much to my surprise this year I actually have items on my list that people can buy. I'm sure because of this I will end up not receiving any of them, and another bag of items to return with the crowds after the holiday's are over. I will happily go about my merry way returning my items and hopefully putting the funds toward the items I really would like.

So now you are sitting there going, what in the world does she want... Before I tell you, I am going to give you a little background into my culinary abilities of a year ago. A gourmet meal included a box of rice a roni and some chicken cutlets. In the past year I have evolved into a pretty good cook. I have taken alot of lessons from the likes of Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray. I have taken alot of chances and tried alot of things I would have normally shunned in the past. I am constantly on the lookout for something new and exciting to make. Believe me when I tell you, I have a very satisfied husband thanks to this. Tonight's menu includes Apricot-Glazed Pork Tenderloin and Red Roasted Potatoes. Not the most extravagant menu, but it beats Hamburger Helper.

So this brings me to my wants for this holiday season. First on my list is this most adorable lazyspoon, sure I have plenty of wooden spoons, but none as nifty as this. Secondly I would love this most adorable 5-Quart Oval Saute Pan or something similar since I realize this would take away a hefty amount of my holiday budget. Finally on my list would be a a couple of silicone baking pans, and a silicone wisk & spoonula set. So there you have it, my holiday wish list. If you feel the overwhelming desire to purchase one of these items for me to go along with the gift giving season upon us, drop me a line and I will shoot you my address. =)

The funny part is people tend to say that I am a pretty selfish person. Why I don't know, I think I am far from selfish, so I am sure there will be a few who do not understand how I would be happy with items for the home, but alas, I have evolved.

Cancun

2006-11-03T13:13:00.000-05:00

The trip started out awesome, but the last two days kinda sucked... so let me explain... First I had to get up at 4am, (ended up, up at 3am)... I drive to my friends house, pick her up, then head the 2 1/2 hours down to the airport in Phili.. We get there check in, get breakfast and wait and wait..LOL The flight was pretty bumpy, but nothing too bad... I got to watch, The Devil loves Prada on the way down so I was kewl with that...HAHA

We arrived in Mexico at the airport and you can clearly see the differences. Everything looks pretty shady and there are lots of men around trying to grab your bags and walk you to your pick up post (for a tip of course). We get to the van and already I was feel dehydrated.. It was HOT there..LOL We get to the hotel and check in. The hotel is amazing.. VERY VERY clean, and everyone is very polite and friendly. First we were given a room on the 3rd floor (no elevators) but we asked to be switched and were to the second floor. The room (2 doubles) was very nice, beautiful tile floors, marble counters, a huge TV, awesome patios for every room... fresh flowers EVERYDAY...

We got our suits on and went down to the "quiet" pool, the resort has 3 pools, a quiet pool, a party pool, and a sports themed pool (volleyball & basketball) and snorkling lessons. We swam and layed in the sun the first day until dinner time, then went up to get ready for dinner. Food, OMG the food.... There are 6 restaurants on premises. 2 share one spot alternating nights. The buffet was big and had themed nights for dinner. I didnt have many items that I didnt like. Im pretty picky though. I tried alot of stuff I would never have eaten at home. Breakfast was always great, although the buffet items were kinda tepid at best, so I stuck to the stuff they fresh prepare or had fruit and cereal.

They have 5 or 6 bars on site which is great... The wait service is outstanding and treat you with so much respect. After a day or two they know the things you like to drink and come up to you and ask if you want "fuzzy navel" or"beer" or whatever you were drinking. They do not expect a tip but I would tip often because they were great.

The second day we hung by the pool as it was the best weather day of the week. I got a nice sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! The next day it turned tan so it wasnt bad. We stayed by the party pool that day, and let me tell you it sure was a party. They do alot of games and contests. Keep in mind this is an ADULTS ONLY, tops optional place. The games were usually sexually related but not in a tacky sort of way. Everyone is treated with respect and its a no pressure zone, so if you dont want to participate, you dont have to.

Shopping down at Market 28 was great. You can really haggle with the people and get items MUCH cheaper then they are asking. They prefer when you pay US Cash, instead of CC or pesos. I really didnt buy much because everything I picked up was expensive (jewelry wise). I did get phil some religous items for a few bucks each. After the market we went to Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville, had a margarita and then went to do some more shopping in the strip mall. I got Phil and myself a few t-shirts $3 bucks each... Pretty good.

The best way to get around down there is by bus, it costs 65 pesos (65 cents or so) each way.. the taxi's are more expensive. Just dont take the bus during work ending or starting hours cuz its like sardines in there.

We went over to Isla Mujeras one day, thats an island that has shopping, snorkling, etc. We took the 9:30 ferry over, and came right back on the 11:50. It was pretty rough over there since we didnt do the tour we were on our own. It reminded me of the worst part of Newark or New York city. slum housing, and the shopping sucked.. So if you ever go to Cancun, avoid the island. It was a waste of $15 for the ferry..LOL

My friend that I went with had already been to Cancun 3 other times and had done pretty much everything. Often there were things I wanted to do but she would make comments like, "well I have done that already so I dont care if we do it" I felt alot of the time that she didnt want to so I never pushed the issue. I would spend ALOT of time in the night by myself or with other guests because she would want to go up to the room early and go to sleep. I met some really awesome people down there and they took me in and hung out with me. I didnt get to go to Coco Bongo (the one thing I wanted to do) She talked me out of it stating the place was too packed and hot and blah blah. I was pretty disappointed in my company and by the last 2 days I stopped trying to hide it. I grew increasingly aggravated with her and did my best to try to keep my feelings inside and not ruin my trip.

I made the trip the best I could on my own... I would definately go back, next time with Phil.. because I know we would explore the great sites they have to offer.

The trip back home was long and quiet (we werent really talking by this point) One suggestion is if you want some good shopping, save some money for the Cancun airport. They seem to have the best stores and best prices. I bought the majority of my gifts there for more then 75% less then they were asking at the shops.

All and all I had a pretty good time... I made it my own and spent time trying to have a good time on my own. It was unfortunate that I didnt get to do alot of the site seeing tours or club nights like I would have liked to do, but I will definately do it next time. The weather was pretty good.. hot alot but we did have rain daily... Only a 2 hour period or so hindered us doing anything.. the majority of rain was over night or early morning (6am). I would stay out around the resort til 2 or 3am most nights so I didnt get much sleep. Im having a hard time catching up and feel really tired and drained.

Money wise I did great. The trip itself with hotel and airfair for the all inclusive was $780. I brought $350 with me and only spent less then $150 (including food on the return day and gas in the car) and all gifts.

Here are some pictures from the trip... I didnt actually take all that many since I didnt have my camera with me most of the time...

Caribbean Sea!

2006-11-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

Shoulda Won Best Costume!!

2006-11-03T13:08:00.001-05:00

Getaway Cast on Halloween

2006-11-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

Drunk Canadian... HAHA He was awesome

2006-11-03T13:07:00.001-05:00

Beautiful Sunset

2006-11-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

Isla Mujeras - look at that water

2006-11-03T13:06:00.001-05:00

Towel Dinosaur

2006-11-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

Early Morning Haze

2006-11-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

12 things in my kitchen, that are good!

2006-09-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

Butternut Squash

Carnival Squash

Cucumber

Eggplant
Tomato's from my Garden

Baby Orange Tomato's

Peppers

Plum Tomato's

Spaghetti Squash

Yellow Squash

Yellow Tomato's

A law firm needs bottled water why?

2006-09-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

This morning was the annual Race for the Cure to support breast cancer through The Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. A few friends and I walked this year as we have done in years past. If you have never been to one of these, you can not possibly imagine the sea of people that are there to support a cause, and grab some free loot (we will get back to that later). So its a 5k (3 1/2 mile) run/walk around town. Through the sea of people (see photo below) you see the men and woman with pink t-shirts signifying that they have survived cancer. Everyone else wears white. In the mix you will pinpoint a woman with her beautiful bald head, and huge smile. She too is trying to survive, and fight the battle. Years down the road you will see her again, in her pink shirt marked proudly with the number of years she has survived.

There are too, many people that are just their for the free loot. A couple dozen companies out there trying to promote their business or product, shoveling free gifts at you to brand their name on your chip clip, or bottled water. You are shuffled through this line of folks to grab a few bags, fill them up with your promotional advertising items and then you run to your vehicle to load up, and for some to only come back and do it all over again. Here is some of the great loot, I loaded up on today....

While I walked around, I rehearsed this blog in my mind and selected items to show how ridiculous company's can get at a charitable event such as this. There were other things that I can not show you because they are living in the pit of my stomach right now, but Krispy Cream was there, with their spread of donuts, Mrs. T's perogies for after the race, an abundance of fresh fruit for the picking, TONS of candy in all shapes and sizes. So you are probably wondering what my favorite gift of the day is eh? Here it is...
How could I possibly not love this bag, its is most adorable, and since taken this photo, I have started the magic of removing the advertisement. Now I will have a nifty little bag to store more junk in next time I go for a hike or something...

So the race is on, we trek through the sea of bodies and along the way pass by Phil's job. There he was proudly passing out pink and white balloons to passers by, and a sweaty kiss for me as we jog past. Although they had no big advertisement going on, they too were selling themselves with their giveaway. I took a pink balloon, tied it to my knapsack and walked the rest of the race with it blowing in the wind. In the end, I untied my balloon, said a short prayer for a friend of ours who has been fighting the battle for a year now, and let my prayers drift off into the sky and into her heart.

Reminder: It is estimated that 214,640 women in the US will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. About 41,430 will die. Currently, there are over 2 million women living in the US who have been treated for Breast Cancer.

Breast Self Examine Instructions
To order a free BSE card, please click here.

If they are having one of these in a town near you, join in, you will be glad you did, free stuff and all.

10 random things around the house that I love and why....

2006-09-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

- The dying flowers from my husband because he thought enough to get them for me a week ago.

My new addiction to tarts because my house smells so beautiful. -

- My very sick husband because loves and supports me.

My Spider plant because it's been growing for me for years. -

- My kitchen windowsill because all things beautiful grow there.

My oil on canvas because it is pure serenity. -

- My snack because just a little goes along way.

My Third stack of books read this year because reading brings me peace. -

- My Mickey Mouse tissues because who can be sad when you see Mickey?

My Bed because this is where I dream the night away. -

I'm a terrible blogger

2006-06-12T17:46:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why, I got bored with the whole blogging thing. But since I have some good news to share, I figured why not. Im sure by now, no one even reads this thing anymore. But here goes nothing. I hit my first goal in this whole weight loss journey. 50lbs gone!!!!
It's hard to imagine what 50lbs is, when it comes off so slowly, but think of a small 5 or 6 yr old kid. I lost a whole one of those!!!
Or a bag of onions...

I still have quite a ways to go, another 50lbs at least, but the first 50 gives me the push I need to get the last 50 off.

Pretty kewl huh?

Seasons Change, So do people...

2006-04-08T12:52:00.000-04:00

Ok so this is a copy and paste from an email I shared with a friend of mine but I wanted to share with you guys...Just a little background so you can understand this all. Phil and I lived in NJ when we met ( I lived there til I was 26). My aunt went through a 2nd divorce, being a mom of 3, she decided to move to PA (where she grew up), immediately after she told me, phil and I decided to move out here also. (I am very close with her 3 daughters, and her too[sometimes..lol]) So in 2001 we loaded up our shit and move to PA. In the meantime, my brother was already living right outside of Cincinnati Ohio, and I would go out there 2x a year to visit, etc.

Now to understand my brother and his work situation, my brother was a tour manager for ALOT of big bands and groups, Cher, Cyndi Lauper, REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Tina Turner, amongst many others. Well being on the road so much took a toll on his marraige, and he decided 2 yrs ago to quit touring and took a job as a sales rep for a production company. Setting up contracts for stage set ups, ect. He dipped his toes into the business and contacted a company in Charlotte NC to interview.

Ok so my brother went for a job interview in Charlotte a few weeks back. My SIL Traci's parents live about 15 mins away from Charlotte in the top of South Carolina right over the border. So my brother got offered the job in NC, and they are selling their home in Ohio and moving to SC with her parents ASAP. My brother is going for May 1st, and Lily is going home with her mom on 4/17 and just staying down there til Traci can get down there, June 9th (once school is out).

So.... we get to talking, and Phil is here and Im on the phone with Traci, and Phil says, "Tara, lets move to SC". So at first I think he is joking, I get off the phone we talk about it, and well, we are moving too.. LOL Phil has a friend who lives just about 30 mins from Charlotte and he owns his own car dealership (this is someone Phil was in the business with for MANY years), and told Phil he has a job waiting whenever we can make it there.

So after a long ass discussion we decided that we are going to do it. Not right away of course, but we are going to get our debt situation taken care of , go down and check out houses in the area, get ready for the move, and probably go somewhere around August or Sept if not sooner. Our dream is to own our own home and we have been scrimping and saving to buy one. Technically we could have bought one by now cuz we have the downpayment, but it never felt "right" here.

Im excited and nervous at the same time. For obvious reasons, my aunt and the girls. We followed them up here from NJ, and I was lucky to have them so close and watch them grow, but I think right now as they get older it is easier for me to let go. I want to have that same bond with my niece and nephew. Of course change is always a good thing and Im sure we will be happy there.

The only problem is that Phils mom will still be in NJ so that means we are moving even further from her, and Im sure that is not going to over too easily. As for my mom, she followed us out here to PA and Im sure that is where she will stay. My brother and I would rather it that way also, but that is a whole other story..LOL

So that is where we are at... Gearing up to start a new life in a new state with new opportunities.

Makes ya wonder...

2006-03-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

So yeah, I get my shit together, start to feel better about myself and then I no longer have anything to write about here. What's up with that? LOL

I guess I could be here talking about all the wonderful and positive changes I have made in my life, but then would ya'll be that interested in reading ?

I guess I could tell you guys about the downside of my 30 lb loss. Fuckin' stretch marks. Ugh, they are popping up in the oddest of areas. Places I cant see, but upon Phils massages, he finds and points out the new ones. I guess I should bust out the cocoa butter now. That is the small price I will have to pay to be healthy and fit again.

Hmm what else is new... On a near and dear friend of mine from NJ passed away on the 12th. John aka -peanut (2me) was killed in a motor vehicle accident. He was only 36yrs old. Through the years we made sure to keep in contact. He was a big comfort to me during the many very difficult times in my life. I will miss him tons, but I know he is up there keeping Michael company and telling him all about me.

The nicer weather is coming, and car sales are picking up. So that is less time I will get to spend with my hunnie. We are planning a May trip out to Ohio with a few days stop along the way back to have some vacation time.

Lots of forum gals getting ready to meet their little ones in the next 10 weeks or so. Its very exciting. I look forward to seeing all the pictures and hearing about their safe arrivals.

Read any good books lately? I just finished Lisa Scottoline's Devil's Corner. I have her newest, Dirty Blonde on order. She's a new fav for me.

What's New?

2006-03-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

What's new and improved, How about we start with me, me, me... LOL

I am doing AWESOME in the weight loss department. I have a grip on my life and the things that are going on in it. My priorities are finally all visible. Im on a roll. HealthyChanges that's where I am at, click the words. Im currently down 26lbs, but tomorrow is weigh in day so that number will increase tomorrow. BIG start for me. I got serious on Dec 26th, after Jaclyn took a picture of me on Christmas, I looked in the view box on her new digital and almost died at the sight of myself. My goodness.. See for yourself...

Wow I amaze myself... It takes alot to show these pictures for me.. But hey I worked hard start this pattern, gotta keep up with it. I got a ways to go but its only going to get better!

Lets see what else is new...

Oh Tayler... boy this kid is amazing... Tonight is the final game against the first seeded team in our district/league. Dunmore is ranked 2nd which is an achievement in itself. The girls really came together for a kick as season!! 2 freshman starters (including Tayler) and a bunch of Sophmores and Juniors join the lone Senior tonight to take the title of District Champs... I will be on the edge of my seat all night... I SOOOOOOOO cant wait!!!!!

Ok so I will check in soon =) LOL i got bored already

Hand out straight...

2006-03-02T23:44:00.000-05:00

Ok slap it... LOL

Im sorry I haven't update, I will work on that soon I promise.

Yanno all this time working out leaves me little time for other things.. LOL
I know excuses, excuses...

I will try harder, tomorrow..LOL Im beat!

Are you true to your resolutions?

2006-02-11T00:21:00.000-05:00

Here is where I sent my resolution. Today is February 11th, 2006. 42 days into the new year. 42 days with a soda. I am true to my word with all that I am.

Do you know your own strength?

2006-02-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

I refer not to the strength it takes to lift a 100lb weighted bar above your head. Nor the strength to stop yourself from stepping in when you know you shouldn't. Not the strength needed to ask for something you want. But the strength to continue the battle that plagues inside of you everyday.

As I sit here tonight, I wonder what has given me the many strengths that I possess. How did I make it through those days that I thought I never would. What kept me going? What gave me hope? What made me want to continue on? Somewhere, somehow, I saw the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Either in sleep or wake, I saw a better future for myself. I thought of what would make me whole again. I found a path that gives me a sense of hope. I have goals to achieve.

I spend a year of my life living a life I thought I should have been living. I visited places I felt I needed to visit in order to grieve. Did I find balance there? Probably not. What I did find was comfort in knowing I am not the only one. In the end, backing away ever so slowly has benefited more then being there to begin with. You are what you live. I was living in grief. It had consumed so much of my life, that all I ever did was think of all that had gone wrong. Don't get me wrong, some aspects of my grieving showed me many things. It made me some very good acquaintances, and some very good friends. It taught me valuable lessons in being able to express myself. Good, bad or ugly.

In January, I decided to pack up the things that were visual reminders of my grief. I packed the small box of what is my son's life. Stored them away in a closet. Not to forget, because I never will, but to remove them from my everyday life, and try to start again. The days are now fewer and farther between that I find myself paralyzed with grief. I wonder if I had done this long ago if it would have had the same effect on me. Would I be waking and falling to slumber with other thoughts on my mind? Not staring blindly at his photo on my desk everyday, thinking about what might have been. The reality has become, what is, is. I couldn't have changed destiny. I can only change the future for myself, day by day.

These days when I wake up and rub my tired eyes, I think of my future. I look at my short term goals, and all they are going to help me achieve. The big picture has a million possibilities, it all just depends on how you look at it.

I still frequent many places of support on the net. Only now my reasons for being there are different. I go to see the positive. The new pregnancies for friends. The updates on the little ones that came in my time. To show support when I can. I have found other forums for support, with the issues that are today. Weight loss, motivation, friendship. I give what I can, and get more then I thought I could need. My path is solid with friends to be accountable to, and friends to keep accountable.

So for me the cycle continues. Strength is here, full on, full strong. I guess determination fuels my strength.

What's your strength?

It was 1 year ago today

2006-02-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

As I type the title of the post all I can think of is the Sgt Pepper song...

So today is the day I have waited 365 days for. My 1 year celebration of a smoke free life.
I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself. I made such a great decision to quit.
I will never look back, and I am proud of that.

i'm tip toeing upon you...

2006-01-31T00:36:00.000-05:00

February 2nd, 2006
Just around the corner,
a 1 year celebration!

nothing but net in a world of seniors....

2006-01-27T11:47:00.000-05:00

Last night was one of those nights in a kids life when one would realize that all the hard work, sweat, tears, time, and an occasional missed party was worth everything ever lost. My cousin Tayler, just 14 years old, a freshman in highschool, played the best basketball game of her life. She is a starter on the varsity team, which in itself is a huge achievement. Unfortunately the team lost in the end, Tayler certainly did not. She played her ass off, stole 17 rebounds, shot the first 8 points of the game, for a total of 20 points. As the girls exited the locker room on the way to the bus, you can see the hurt in their eyes. They wanted so much to win and could have. They were only 7 points behind. At the same time Tayler looked at me, with that sparkle in her eye, proud of herself and all she achieved. Im glad I was there to share that moment with her. I am beyond proud of her and all she has achieved. 4 more years and then she will be on the college court, she is just that good.

TOOT TOOT!!

2006-01-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

Ok so they always told me growing up not to toot my own horn, but I was never one to conform, so fuck em... I am going to toot away. I am pretty fuckin proud of myself for all the hard work I have been putting in to get this weight off. I have been eating sensible, working out daily, really watching how I prepare foods and staying in range of calories. Thursday I wore a pair of jeans that were TIGHT on me at thanksgiving, not the case now, I had to use a belt to keep them from sagging in my ass.

I have ALOT of weight to go but I determined to get it off. Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since I actually BUCKLED DOWN and I have a nice 17lb loss to show for all my hard work. Hopefully by Feb 23rd, I will have another 10 or 15 lbs off. It would be sweet to go to the doctor with at least 25lbs off, but 35 would be AWESOME.

My goal is to be 180-185 lbs. Sounds like alot yes, but on my frame that is skinny. But we shall see. 70+ lbs to go. Im sure I will get there by years end.

If you haven't gone there yet. Go check out www.sparkpeople.com it has been a great tool for me the last 18 days. It has great exercise regimes, awesom recipes, great tips on nutrition, articles out the whohaw, and tons of other stuff. You can enter your food for the day and count your calories, fat, etc. Check it out.

Looking forward to my "after"

2006-01-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

December 26th, 2005 I got serious about losing weight.

I had been doing just barely enough for the 2 months prior and then I got a grip. 3 weeks 10.6 lbs!!!!!

I am working out daily, with exception of Sundays, which is my day of rest.

I am eating healthy, 1460-1500 calorie days. Im drinking between 80 and 96 ounces of water each day.

I have stuck to my new years resolution of NO SODA!!

I took measurements of my body on January 2nd to join in on the challenge here RapidWorkout! and I retook them yesterday for kicks. Although the challenge does not end until the end of the month, I already see a HUGE difference.

My muscles are moving, and boy can I feel it. Im achy at night, but it is all worth it.

Wanna join in on some great weight loss challenges and share your experiences with some great ladies, check out RapidWorkout!.

What a difference a year makes.

2006-01-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

My, My, My
Let your bright light shine
Let your words live on
Far beyond this life
Beyond this life.

In the background I hear the music
The music that for the past year has soothed me
Has put me to sleep, blared while I cried,
played in the background while I type these blogs.

I love music, music of all kinds
There is so much expression in songs
So much emotion
Often times I find it hard to express myself
Then a song will come to mind.

Like at this very moment.

I feel like I need to be all graphic and express how tomorrow is going to be for me. The reality (at this moment) is that tomorrow is just another day in my life. I will wake up tomorrow and go about my day just as I would any other day. I will function, dress, cook, clean, launder. I will visit with my girls as they get dressed for their magical night at the formal. I dont think I have much of a choice but to live this life, or else I will miss the world moving around me. Nothing is going to change because Michael is forever in my mind.

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the loss of my son. A child I wanted more then life itself. Unfortunately, there were other worldly plans for him.

Tomorrow I will remember Michael, the way I felt having him in my belly, the slight movements he would make that I could feel, The joy he brought me when I looked at his ultrasound for the first time and saw his heartbeat, the many many journal entries I wrote before he was born, the way I felt holding him for the first time, tracing his body with my finger ever so gently, the items I bought him throughout the year that sit on his shelf. The lessons I have learned from his passing, and the wonderful gifts he has given me. Strength! Patience! Courage! Love!

I have alot to remember in this past year.

And I will remember these things in my own way.

PS: Thank you Angela for the beautiful card and all your heartwarming words. I appreciated receiving that in the mail today. You have been my friend since 3rd grade and I love you with all my heart. Thanks for being you.

2006

2005-12-31T11:29:00.000-05:00

How in the world did we get through an entire year already? Where has the time gone? Life really does just fly right by doesn't it!! It is that time again, to start fresh. The annoying bad date writing on checks and all. It always takes me a couple of weeks to get into the habit of writing the new year instead of the old.

So at this time of the year you are supposed to make a resolution.

res·o·lu·tion ( P )
The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
A resolving to do something.
A course of action determined or decided on.
A formal statement of a decision or expression of opinion put before or adopted by an assembly such as the U.S. Congress

Resolutions are things you really should take seriously, but most people resolve for the same thing year after year, never really making it past January. It is all downhill from there. The most common I presume are, lose weight, exercise, quit smoking etc... I do all those already so I decided on a resolution that I can stick to.

I resolve to not drink soda. Sounds simple enough but for me this could be quite the challenge. We shall see in February if I have stuck to it. No soda at all, no diet, no sprite, no seltzer. The hardest part is going to be restaurants that don't have sweetened Iced Tea. Water is good, I can make it.

This afternoon with my lunch I will have my last soda until at least 366 days from now, who knows maybe my last forever.

So for now I will bid you ado in the year of 2005. May 2006 bring you everything you hope for a more. There are alot of great things on the horizon for many I know in the coming year. I look forward to being apart of it all, and hopefully before years end, making a little magic for myself.

Will you think less of me?

2005-12-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

With the anticipation of the week ahead, I have been spending alot of time meditating. Deep breathing coupled with deep thoughts. Part of me wants to celebrate the gifts I have been given through my son, and another part of me wants to give in and just lay in bed crying. I do realize the latter will not change what has been. This morning I sat silent on my yoga mat, eyes closed, mind free of everything except my son. I tried to imagine what he would want from me. Where he would want me to be almost a year after he left me. What would be best for me to continue this journey that is life. My decision, come January 8th, I will start my year fresh. I am going to make a beautiful box up of all his things, his blanket, his pictures, the teddy bear I bought him, the ornaments, the angel statues, the baby book, the letters I have written, and the letter I will write on January 7th completing 1 year without him. I am going to pack away all these things, place the box on the top shelf of my closet.

Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind, I just think I have to move past what this situation and what it has done to me the last year, and continue on the positive path I have been following for the past 3 months. I have learned many lessons and met many wonderful people this past year. I like to think that was the reason Michael was given to me. To solidify my relationship with Phil, to help us grow stronger yet closer together. To realize that life is short, and I need to live for the moment and enjoy the little things.

In the last year I have become ALOT less uptight. I realize everything is not going to be the picture of perfection and the baseboards do not need to be cleaned daily. Skipping a day or two will not cause great catastrophe in my life. If I don't get around to the dishes immediately after eating, they will still be there an hour later, or even 4. I guess I have found a sense of peace lately.

I vow this new year to come to continue on my path of self exploration, to cherish every moment I spend with those I love, and even those I just like a little bit. I will continue to learn and grow, despite the terrible losses I have suffered in the past. I will allow myself to just be.

So.... Will you think less of me?

On the right road

2005-12-27T00:21:00.000-05:00

87lbs to go of 102

I'm working my way back to where I need to be.

The new year is going to be my time, to get myself healthy.
2007 is going to be my year, the year I become a mother again, I can feel it, but until then I have to continue to work my way to the ultimate goal.

Encourage me when you can
Motivation is key

Just cuz I haven't told you lately

2005-12-26T19:45:00.000-05:00

Ten months, three weeks, three days, 20 hours, 28 minutes and 57 seconds. 3934 cigarettes not smoked, saving $816.35. Life saved: 1 week, 6 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.

Falala and all that stuff

2005-12-26T19:29:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Ok so I am a day late and a dollar short, but yanno I was busy and all that.
I had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas, filled with lots of fun times, fun games, fun gifts, and funny memories. My Manicotti came out wonderful, but boy was it hard to make, I think I will stick to shells from now on. The kids had fun, and Phil and I got so many wonderful presents.

Last night I had a moment, but it was just that a moment, nothing to send me into a crying fit or anything. I was just sad. My first Christmas as a mother, and I can't even enjoy it with my son. It is so hard to believe that the 1 yr mark is just around the corner. Wish for me smooth vibes. I think I am going to be ok.

Hope you had a wonderful holiday, whatever holiday it is you celebrate.

I would love some feedback on something, hit to comment if you wish. Do you think it is ok for non religious people to celebrate Christmas? Do you think it has become so materialized that in most cases the underline celebration of Jesus' birth is forgotten by most? For those non-religious people out there, what exactly is it you are celebrating on Christmas?

Now this is all coming from someone who doesn't necessarily believe in all the uniformed religious stuff, although I was raised a Catholic. For years I have been trying to find my place in a religion that suits me but haven't gotten there yet. I do celebrate though, the birth of Christ, but at the same time I see it as an over exploited day of the year. It is fun though to get gifts. So I guess I am just as guilty of the over exploitation.

Unwritten

2005-12-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Hear the song here http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=10108314&a=1

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

"Unwritten"

Google the lyrics

Are you a slave to fashion?

2005-12-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

I will admit, I too am a slave to fashion in a lot of aspects, but this just goes above and beyond. The first thing that stood out to me was the tacky nylon ankle high's, Did she not realize she had capri pants on? Then there is the obvious *shoe protectors*. She probably paid a small fortune for the shoes and doesn't want to ruin them?

To an extent I tend to over indulge in clothing, purses, shoes, sneakers, things I just do not need. If I had to guess how many purses I have, Id have to go with about 4 dozen maybe. It is actually very sad. Most get used for a few weeks until a cuter one catches my eye. Then it finds its way into a box and piled in the closet, never to resurface unless I am cleaning out the closet.

My most recent purchase was a Louis Vuitton Ellipse. Granted it is a knock-off I got in China Town, NYC, but it is the purse of my dreams. I have wanted and dreamed of this purse for years. A brand new real LV would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $900, I paid $30 for my knock-off. The reality is you can not tell the difference without looking closely. 2 weeks later, Im ready to move on to something new. It is not all I dreamt of. It is stiff, the zipper is kinda hard to slide between the stiff leather bag. I'm kinda glad I never begged and pleaded for Phil to buy me the real thing.

Clothes, I am not so bad. I don't go out of my way looking for more expensive stuff. It usually just ends up the higher end stuff fits me better. *shrug*

Shoes, sneakers, boots Oh my.... I couldn't even begin. I have so many pairs of tennis shoes I could shoe an entire apartment complex. Most of which still have yet to wear and have tags still attached. I don't know why I need to have every color New Balance and Nike they come out with. My most recent purchase Nike Shox Turb OZ iD's, personalized with my own colors, and MY NAME!! How in the world could I not get them? They have been sitting in a box for a month.

So I guess I am a slave to fashion. Or maybe I just have an addiction to shopping. Or maybe I just like to buy myself things. Probably all of the above.
Oh well, off to check out Ebay =)

To hold in my hands.

2005-12-20T16:50:00.000-05:00

I wish I could hold the world in my hands, embrace the people who know no better then to continue to make a mess of their life. To explain the importance of respect, honor and dignity to the children who are born to parents in need of help. To make all the errs of the world disappear. To return to the times when people were hardworking, caring respectful people, who would never think to disrespect, or harm another human.

What happened to respect in this world?

Why are children not being taught the morals and values that they will need to be all they can be? Instead they are being taught about the wing spans of exotic birds that they will probably never come across in their lives.

In this day and age, it seems moms are getting younger, and younger. In turn, most children these days are not being reered in the right direction.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 very disheartening experiences. These situations made me wonder, just what is the world going to be like in 20 years? If I am ever blessed with children, what is life going to be like for my kids, kids.

I watched as a 18-20 year old mother of 2 small children was taken into custody for stealing from a local department store. Her 6 year old son was absolutely hysterical, while her 3 year just stared stunned. Instead of calming her son down, she yelled at him, swearing at him. I cant even imagine what she was thinking. She had apparently taken some high end clothing and make up kits and stuffed them into her stroller.

The part that bothered me the most is the lesson she just taught that 6 year old boy. What lessons is she teaching this child? He is going to be tormented by visions of those security guards taking his mother by force, while another tried to calm the children. I stood there in amazement, and wanted to grab a hold of that little boy and tell him everything would be ok, I wanted to give him a giant hug. But instead I stood there with eyes full of tears. Sadly, under the circumstances he is probably living in, his chance in life are going to be limited without a lot of hard work on his part.

I just don't understand some people, and I can't comprehend what this world has come to.

I would love to just fix it all.

I think of thee

2005-12-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

On what should have been your first holiday season I think of you. I bought you a beautiful angel and found the perfect spot on the tree. As we drove home this evening, your daddy and I watched this bright shining star. It seemed to follow us everywhere we went. Daddy said it is watching us home safely, I thought to myself, he is watching us home safely.
I miss you with every ounce of me.

in times of serenity, there comes peace

2005-12-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

the calm before the storm
emotions are filling me
slowly sneaking up on me
i feel you ever so lightly coming into my sight

i dont fear you
im ready to face you
head on we will meet
i feel myself running into the light

I was once drained of everything I thought I had in me, I then realized that I just wasn't ready to be beaten. my life has taken me down more roads then I care to have travelled down. I realized the pity party had to end. I needed to learn from the lessons I was given. I came to realize there is no complete recovery, and I couldn't really put the past behind me. I had to face things head on, deal with them, and move on from them. They are not filed away in a box somewhere. They are fresh in mind. All of them. All those memories, the good and the bad. I now know, my past will not hold me back from the future I invision.

It's been awhile

2005-11-22T13:50:00.000-05:00

Since I watched anything birth related on TV, probably about a year. I was switching channels and came across a Baby Story. I hesitated whether to change the chanel but decided I would watch the true miracle of life. It was amazing to watch again, and happened to be an episode I had seem a long time ago. I guess they arent doing current shows this week or something.

Im proud that I was able to watch the show. I did shed a tear, wishing it were me. Someday!

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

2005-11-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

Imagine my surprise when I opened PostSecret today and found my very own secret posted. When I was creating my secret I thought alot about the many secrets I have. I actually mailed in 2 different secrets. The one I would have preferred be posted was, so that sent my heart a flutter.
Lisa asked me, "was your secret about your cigs" Nope as I told you this afternoon, I did not send in about the cigs. Although it does fit me. Almost 10 months smoke free now... =)

So everyone wants to know my secret, Im sorry to say, I wont tell. Of course it would then not be a secret.

Make sure you bookmark the site, it is a wonderful place, He updates weekly so check it out every Monday if you remember.

Some are so sad, one today make me cry. I hope that person decided to keep collecting songs.

Gearing up for the holiday's

2005-11-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year again. Thanksgiving. I love getting together with family for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, my brother and family will not be travelling in from Ohio =(. I secretly keep hoping they are trying to surprise me, but deep down inside I know they aren't. Moneys always tight it seems. In just a little less then 2 weeks, Phil and I will be going on our Decks the Halls wine weekend in NY. I can't wait to get away. I need the vacation. It's only 4 days but I certainly need it.

Funny thing is, if I was having normal cycles that weekend would be the "time" to get pregnant. Hmmm I wonder. I dont think I am ready but yanno what, that really isn't in my hands. When my time comes it will come.

Im looking forward to getting through the next 3 months. Hopefully with as minimal of pain as possible. I feel like I am back at square 1 again in the support department though. I will leave that for a post later today.

I keep getting emails from this annoying woman asking me why I havent been blogging. Sorry, I have been busy taking advantage of the weather and going outside!! Big boost for my weight loss.

13lbs already, Hopefully I can hit 25 by Christmas, that would make me smile.

Where have you been?

2005-11-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

Ok so that is probably your question right?
Well I have been finding myself. Sounds silly right? But the truth of it all is I needed to find myself. My old self, before babies, and deliveries, and loss of life. The true me that had been hidden beneath the mask of losing the one thing I have always dreamt about. Motherhood. Now I am not saying there will not come a day, but right now, I need to get me back to being me.

Yanno when I met Phil I was 175lbs. Now on someone with my bone structure that is skinny. I was wearing a size 7-8 jeans. 2 weeks ago, 18's were snug. 10lbs per size, you do the math. then add 7lbs. Give up? Ok fine I will do the math for you. At last weigh in at the doctors office I was 287lbs. Amazing huh? I know I know I dont look like I weigh that much but I do.. Well I dont right now.. =)

Today I am happy to report that I have lost 8lbs since October 20th ( the day I changed my life) I still have a long way to go, but yanno what? I can do it. Now my weigh in day is friday, so I will check back then with an updated number for ya...

So for every 10lbs I lose it's a special treat. The treat only I could love. SHOES!!!! Yup that's right, every time I lose 10lbs I will go buy myself a new pair of shoes. hmmm maybe a purse.. Oh well I will decide, something for me though.

So that is where I am at and what I have been up to.
This week may be a small loss week as I had some minor surgery yesterday and I can't do my full workout. But I am still walking, even if it is really slowly. Im not letting that get me down, as by tomorrow or thursday I should be ready to get back to my workout full steam ahead.

Keep it real, or you will really keep it. (weight that is)

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be

2005-10-31T00:16:00.000-05:00

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be
John Keats

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

Walking hand in hand, heart in heart

2005-10-23T00:50:00.000-04:00

We walked through the falls, hand in hand. We took the long route, some 1300 steps. 16 sets of falls. Pure beauty, pure bliss. It was quiet, peaceful, serene. We talked alot about our future. Our goals, our dreams, how the events in our life have changed us. 6 years together isn't a very long time, but it seems like a long time to me. We have experienced so much in our time together. Ups, Ups, Ups, Downs, Downs, Ups, Ups.. Definately more ups then downs. I can count on 1 hand how many actual fights we have had. Disagreements, everyone has those, but actually fights, only 3. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many wonderful times we have spent.

Most of our great times were spent doing nothing, walking, talking, making pancakes, folding towels, sitting on the couch in a dark candle lit room, just holding each other. At night when he goes to bed, I tuck him in, cover him, kiss his forehead, and tell him how much I love him. These sort of memories are the ones I will hold onto for a lifetime. The silly things, like how many times he has bought me the same card from Hallmark, the notes on the bathroom mirror in eye liner, the time he locked the keys in the car and was standing out there in the pouring rain for 35 mins trying to use a hanger on the slightly opened window, all while refusing to allow me to try, his face when I got it unlocked in less then a minute. The pillow fights in the middle of the night. Painting his nails pink, and hiding the polish remover, The notes taped to back of my shirt, I think there were 23 of them, and I never felt 1. We laughed for months about that one.

I never knew just how wonderful love could be. I love Phil endlessly.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands

2005-10-21T00:50:00.000-04:00

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is and bottle it. I have been feeling so awesome this week. Mentally I am in the right frame of mind. Emotionally, I am doing great. Physically, I feel wonderful. I haven't been feeling stressed out or run down.

It's friday already, I cant believe how quickly time has flow. My diet is going wonderful. Guess not being stressed does great things for my eating habits.
WOOHOO

Calm has found me.

2005-10-18T01:01:00.000-04:00

I have found a calming in my life. I'm not sure when or how but I feel like a million pounds has been lifted right off my shoulders. I am feeling wonderful the last week or so. I had a tense 2 days with a situation, but now that it is resolved I feel rejuvinated. I think sometimes leaving the past behind makes the future seem so much brighter.

Im looking forward to my appointment with the nutritionist on Wed. Im hoping that will get the ball rolling and find a healthy way to get this weight off. I know I can do it, it is just a matter or getting some help. Even if that help is just someone to listen, someone that makes me feel like I am going to succeed. Hard to explain, but sometimes I just need to know from someone else that I am doing good.

Where there's a will, there's a way....

Im heading thata way...

Happy Birthday to my big brother Danny!!! The big 36. LOVE YOU!!!

OOOpppsss I did it again

2005-10-17T19:35:00.000-04:00

I went out again... woohoo me. I'm finding my way again and I LOVE it... Saturday night Phil and I went out for a nice dinner. Then I went up to Rosann's for the fire. Too windy outside, so we turned it into a garage party. I drank a 6 pack of this stuff.. YUMMY
Its Zima XXX Wild Black Cherry..

Its soooooooo good, much better then a Black Cherry Wine Cooler. 5.9% though...

I usually just drink beer, but figured, I would change up for a bit.

We all sat around bs'n. It felt just like old times. Glad I did it.